Wednesday, December 21, 2011


I have a lot more time on my hands these days. Not only that, but I have a lot less noise in my head. The benefit of this is that I can understand myself better. Instead of always thinking in terms of status update or blog posts... I can think about anything I want.  Lately I've been thinking about the things that make me happy. There are a lot. TONS of things that make me happy. AND, not only that, but if i'm listening to the right music... EVERYTHING makes me happy. Everyone and everything looks beautiful.

In my old car I had a DVD player and the kids were always watching movies. I never really had the opportunity to listen to whatever I wanted. I don't have a DVD player in my new car and I LOVE that. I listen to music, 99% chill, pretty music. My kids, in turn, are chill. That makes me happy because music is to my soul what water is to plants.

There is an older gentleman that walks his dog in the morning. I see him just about everyday on my way home from dropping off the kids at school. He looks like he was cool. He wears jeans and hoodies and skate shoes. He has white hair and creases in his skin.  He always has a face that looks like it's half smiling. I started smiling at him.  He smiled back. It is this really great, full, happy smile. Then I took it up a notch and started waving to him. Holy moly! He waves back with such enthusiasm! Like he's trying to get his friends attention at the airport.  Then I started noticing that I'm not the only one that does this! I was behind FIVE cars and ALL OF THEM WAVED. I thought he would keel over from the elation his face was exuding.

This is the highlight of my day. Seeing this guy. Seeing his happy face. I bet it's the highlight of his day. Seeing these strangers day after day and waving to them. The first day that I didn't see him I was worried. I was sad. Luckily he was back the next day. Some days I don't see him but I don't worry like I used to. He's more consistent, then he is not. Does that make sense? Also, I left him a Holiday card  because I know where he lives. =)

I started doing pinterest not very long ago. One of the things I like about it is that I can categorize my happiness. I can define it, label it, and tuck it away. Then I can pull it out whenever I want to look at it, add to it, take something away..... It makes me happy.

I rearranged my daughters room yesterday. This made me very happy. I took 4 LARGE bags of toys to the Goodwill this morning. She is only getting one new toy for Christmas. The rest is art supplies. Same applies for my son. This makes me happy also and I know the benefits of this.

I'm renting an RV for the holidays.  This is something my son has ALWAYS wanted to do. It is something of an obsession. (If you know someone with autism you can imagine what this obsession can be like) He informed me that he would rather have the RV than gifts. Good enough for me!  I can NOT WAIT to see his face and hear his little voice squeal with delight. He will hop on his toes, flap his hands then clench them, and scream. Then my daughter will scream so she can be heard over him but Mr. CEO and I will just look at them and smile, our hearts full of joy to please them so much. I will enjoy the RV because I will be drunk all day. (I'm joking) ((Sort of)) At any rate, THAT makes me happy too. =)

So this blog is full of ramblings. There are plenty of other things that make me happy but this is what is in the forefront of my mind. This is what I'm thinking about and smiling about right now.

I feel like I'm losing my humor but to be honest... I'm going through a pensive time right now. I like it. I'm 32 so that makes sense. I'm about to have a maturity/clarity spurt. Those of you in your 40s and more know what I'm talking about.

Funny shenanigans will come up soon. I promise.

Today's playlist is:
"jar of hearts"
"a thousand years"
all by Christine Perri

They sound sad... but they're beautiful. The music makes me happy.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

They only LOOK homeless

 HA! You thought this blog was going to be all sappy and full of Christmas glitter. No, I'm talking about my children.

My children have these gloves.
Pretty standard little kid gloves right? Well my son decided he wanted to cut the finger tips off to match my gloves. So I cut off the tips. Then my daughter decided she wanted HER fingertips cut off too.

They proceeded to run around the house wearing my hats and scarves then they huddled together to build a lincoln log house. It was really cute. But honestly, it looked more like 2 hobos trying to warm themselves over a coffee can fire.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

I don't miss facebook

Oh who am I kidding? I can't lie to YOU. Well, I do and I don't miss it. Let me categorize and bullet point them so you can see the pros and cons of my decision and what I miss and don't miss.


  • stupid comments
  • stupid people
  • stupid pictures
  • stupid updates
  • stupid ads
  • stupid links
  • losing messages
  • checking my computer constantly
  • being late for everything
  • funny comments
  • funny conversations
  • funny people
  • funny pictures
  • funny updates
  • funny links
  • LSNB!
  • lol-ing
  • sharing funny stories with Mr. CEO

All in all I miss the interaction but I don't miss the pointlessness of it all. I HAVE started texting people more and sending out more emails though. I suppose that's ok, it's keeping private things private. OH! and I've stopped thinking in status updates. You know what I'm talking about. It's like having a translator in your brain that takes a situation you are experiencing and translates it into a cute/funny/witty status update.  That took a few days to go away. 

So that's an update from me. Still here.... still kicking.... just cleaning my house after months and months and months and months of neglect. So I may be scarce for a little while longer. But when I DO come back? You can bet your ass there will be a drink video involved. 

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Things I did when I wasn't on Facebook

  • ran 2 miles
  • showered, make up, hair, dressed
  • on time to appointment!
  • cleaned my 3 bathrooms
  • organized, sorted and purged 2 bathrooms (especially drawers and under the sink)
  • 3 loads of laundry. folded AND put away. 
  • washed comforters
  • made dinner, on time
  • watched a christmas movie with the kids
  • worked on arts and crafts project with kids, cleaned up afterward
  • did the dishes!
  • gave my kids a bath ON TIME
  • wrapped a birthday present, cleaned up afterward
I had so much energy today. Yeah I had urges. Crazy urges. I would walk over to my computer, wake it up, then remember. So I would walk away. I remember things that I was doing. I was able to keep my train of thought, and not blow up at the kids.  I was in a fantastic mood when Mr. CEO came home.  It was a GREAT day without FB. 

If I HAD been on Facebook.... if I'm being honest... I probably would have only accomplished the dishes, but there would have been a bunch left over that didn't fit because I waited so long.   =(

Not so anonymous

Is that spelled right? anonymous? it doesn't look right. Anyway....
I didn't want to write this blog.  I didn't want to write it because I am ashamed, embarrassed, guilty, regretful, and ashamed. AND embarrassed. But mostly ashamed.

I knew I had a problem. I thought I could beat it on my own. My husband was very delicate when he broached the subject offering his support of what I was doing but gently reminding me that it was not the only thing I should be doing.

Hello. My name is Lisa, and I am addicted to facebook. This may sound funny or like I'm making fun of other addicts but I'm not. I believe it is a serious condition.

In the beginning it was fine. A way to connect with friends and family, a way to share photos, a way to stay in touch. I would go on it every now and again, but socially. Sometimes only to stop in to watch. I started spending more time there, socially... but still more time.  I began a fan page and I think that is where it started to spiral out of control.

I started neglecting my daily duties. Dinner started late, laundry was left in the washer for days, errands weren't getting ran. I noticed I was always late to meetings and appointments.
Before I knew it I was checking my Facebook first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Obsessively checking it on my phone, and running to my computer after a trip to the bathroom to see if I missed anything.

I never wanted anyone to know how much I was on it. It's so embarrassing. It has become my dirty little secret. Then the lying started. I started to lie about how long I was on it. I lied about leaving the house and going for walks, even though I was just at home on FB.

When you start lying about how much time you spend on FB... you are on it too much. I didn't care. I had fans, I had friends, we had conversations, we were being funny! Why take life so serious?! Laugh when we can! And I sought out laughter constantly.

Then there are my kids. I was always too busy on the computer to play with them, get them ready for bed, read them stories.... I've lost time with them that I'll never get back. NEVER.

Just typing this out makes me feel sick to my stomach. I hate what this addiction has done to me. What it's made me become. I hate that I can't just get off the god damn computer. I hate that I couldn't be one of the those people who could limit their time, who had discipline.

Last night I deactivated my account. We all now that you can't delete it. We all know that it's still there, waiting for you to come back. So every day is a struggle not to get on. Or at least, it will be. Today was day 1. I made it through today.

If you are like me, please consider what I'm saying. The things that need your attention most, are the things and people in your own home.

I realize how ridiculous this may sound to you- but it is absolutely serious to me.
So if you can't find me on Facebook... now you know why.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

dues paid

How should I start this post? I'm going to try out a few different things and whatever sticks is what you guys see.

My husband VERY recently bought me a new car. We had been looking and toying with the idea of selling. (remember my craigslist ad? p.s. lots of feedback)  Unbeknownst to me, my husband had gone off and found the exact car I wanted. He locked that shit down and surprised me. He told me he had to go to a dealership because he wanted to test drive a car himself. I said fine I'll go. Then I saw the car... with the bow.... I knew it was mine. I went in and signed the papers. I drove off the lot with it. 

I posted a pic on Facebook about it. I was SOOOO excited. This is a luxury car. The very first time I had even SAT in one was for a .5 mile test drive a month ago. Unfortunately, there were some friends and/or family who were not as happy as I was about our new purchase. Some people just couldn't be happy for us. It was sad really. 

When my husband and I first met, he was living in a 2 bedroom apartment with 2 employees. The office was in the living room. He had the master bedroom, one employee had the second bedroom and another had the living room futon. He was starting a company and he was just about at square one. Believe it or not, they had moved up. The weekend after I met him I spent a weekend alone with him. The first night was spent in the apartment. When I first walked in, his "roommates" were gone.  He had music playing on the computer systems... all linked together, the Gladiator soundtrack, Enya, and other ambient music I loved. The apartment was very small and we spent that first night on a deflating air mattress. I awoke at 2am to a flat ground and him saying "roll over, I have to pump this up". [insert dirty joke here]

The next day was spent exploring the "city". We stayed at a bed and breakfast and it was truly a romantic experience. The next day was followed by dinner with his parents before I had to catch my flight home. 

I flew home that evening knowing 100% that he was the man I would marry. 2 weeks later we were engaged. 2 weeks after that I quit my job and moved in with him into that tiny 2 bedroom apartment with a deflating bed. Every night around 2am we would wake up and he would pump it back up using a hand pump. Shortly thereafter his 10 year old daughter flew in to stay with us for the summer. I was 23 at the time, hadn't babysit in 12 years and was generally uncomfortable around kids. It was the hardest summer of my life. I loved him, was trying to love her, trying to make myself useful by cooking, cleaning, doing laundry and helping out with computer work. We all struggled that summer, and we all probably lost a little faith in the situation. 

I left at the end of summer to go back home. He was relocating his "office" so I thought it would be better if I was out of the way. I also missed my mom. I had never lived so far away before. This is where the story gets complicated if you're talking to the two of us. We each have our own story of the events that transpired. In the end, we had a long discussion and decided we would try to make this work. Again, I would be sleeping on an air mattress, BUT, with this man next to me, I would have slept on a rock just to be with him. 

His "office" was once again in an apartment. It took up the master bedroom and we occupied the smaller bedroom while 3 employees slept in the living and dining room. It was an interesting experience to say the least. I discovered my love of Family Guy and Cabernet Sauvingon. I'm sure it was the latter that caused the pregnancy I soon found myself faced with. We were engaged yes, married no. It took ONE day after that to get a real bed, and only 3 weeks after that to get a place of our own. 

We suffered financially, we suffered emotionally, we suffered physically. I've always believed in him... even when no one else did. He always believed in me and what I would some day become. We stayed together, and have gone through thick and thin. Through richer and poorer. In sickness and  in health. Exactly what we declared in our wedding vows shortly after moving into our new apartment and discovering our pregnancy. His company has grown, our family has grown, and so has our love for each other. 

He is my best friend, as I am his. We've been hungry, tired, broke, on the brink of collapse but we believe in each other. We've come a long way together. If he wants to celebrate our distance thus far with a new car... far be it for me to deny him this gesture. It doesn't matter what I drive or where I live. As long as I'm with him.... I would sleep on a deflating air mattress. 

Saturday, December 3, 2011

I do.

About 4 years ago someone asked me what marriage was like. I knew my answer immediately because I had often mulled this over in my own mind. ("my own mind" sounds redundant, no?) I replied,
"It's like having a 24/7 slumber party with your best friend" because for me, that's what it was like. After 2 bottles of wine she broke down and said her marriage wasn't like that. Which is OK isn't it? All marriages are different.

I didn't marry my husband because I was soooo in love and it seemed like the natural next step. Nope, I married him because he made my life happier/funnier/better. Being away from him was unbearable and so I pushed myself on him with the power of a rhino in heat. For me, marriage was about not having to be apart, to spend all our funny moments together. Much like a comedy duo.  He makes me happy, he makes me laugh, he makes me feel important/beautiful/wicked smart.

I think I got my idea about marriage from my parents. They were always laughing, joking and having a great time. Marriage looks like a very fun adventure. This got me thinking, does this apply to everyone??  How do other people decide to get married?
Do they do it because it's what's "expected" of them?
Do they do it because.... well why not?
Do they do it for the tax reasons?
Do they do it to save on rent?
Do they do it because they're in love and want to keep being in love?
Do they do it because they'll get lots of sex now that they're married? (BWAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!!)
Do they do it so someone else will pick up their dry cleaning?
Do they do it so they can combine their awesome CD collections?
Do they do it because they're best friends and they want to rock and roll all night and party every day?

I dunno. Clearly.

But I do have some ideas on different types of marriages. I have paired them up with childhood games/activities that they most closely resemble.

Chase- this is when one person nags and the other person tries to ignore it.
Red Rover- this is a passive aggressive marriage. Send them over, then deny them access.
Doctor- S.E.X. and lots of it.
House-  this is where everything appears fine on the outside, but everything inside is fake.
Slumber party- where you stay up late with your best friend giggling and talking
Hide and seek- this is a physically abusive relationship. procure divorce documents immediately.
Simon says- this is a verbally abusive relationship. procure divorce documents immediately.
Tag- this is obviously an affair.
Nap time- this is when you have kids and in your free, "alone" time you sleep.
Monopoly- where you marry for money.
Catch- both partners work
heads up seven up- perverts
Go fish- not marriage.... dating
Risk- obvious.
The game of Life- this is where we want it all, house, kids and mortgage. thanks Alice!

and of course "Battleship" is divorce.

After 4 years I don't know how my friend's marriage is. I don't ask. It's her business, if she wants to talk about it then she can, she doesn't have to.  But because she's my friend, I hope she's working on a slumber party.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

My craigslist ad

we're selling our minivan. *sigh* It was our second one. We loved it. LOVED it.
That thing drives so smooth, it feels like a cadillac. No lie.
I thought the van was really beginning to think it was a cadillac.

They upgraded the body style for 2011 so it is freakin' SWEET!
I realize that is a term not usually associated with a minivan....
but seriously, it's awesome. Seriously.
On a side note- we had a "no eating in the car rule" so that's... you know.... good.

 So here are the facts:

23,000 miles (in airplane miles that's hardly anything at all)
gray exterior
light gray interior
wood trim
blue tooth
back up mirror
air conditioning
sunroof (I may or may not have stood up dancing and singing to Prince's "kiss")
tiptronic and auto transmission (sometimes you feel like a race car driver, sometimes you don't)
cruise control (Sadly, Tom is not included)
power windows and rear vent window
power driver seat
dual passenger heated seats (rrrrrarrrrr) and climate control
rear climate control
V6 engine
DVD with wide screen (dual screen. meaning the screen splits in two) and headphones
auto hook up for games
sun shades for all rear windows (because honestly, my kids' futures are pretty bright)
automatic and remote operated trunk

This is the same* van that is featured in the supremely awesomely bad ass "swagger wagon" videos found on
I know you want to see it. Go ahead... check it out. I'll wait here.

Did you watch it? I KNOW RIGHT?!?!?!  TOTALLY HILARIOUS!! So yeah... this van is totally famous.

*it is NOT the exact same van. It is not even the same model, but don't tell the van... it will totally destroy it's ego.

any interest whether it be heart-pounding enthusiastic, or just mild intrigue
call [insert phone number here]

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

I was about to make dinner....

First sentence generously provided by: Bill Sloniker 

I was about to make dinner, but then noticed that I was out of wine. I can’t possibly make dinner without it. So I went to the store to get a bottle.

Being at the store and seeing some balloons reminded me that my husband’s birthday is coming up and I needed to buy cake mix.  

When I was in the cake mix isle, I saw birthday candles. This gave me an idea that I wanted to light pillar candles on his birthday.  I needed to go to a different store for that.

When I got to the different store I found the the pillar candles I needed. They also had a rug on sale.  I remembered that my hardwood floors were dirty and that I needed to mop them.

I found some floor cleaner and a new mop. While I was over in the cleaning section I saw a really cute apron.  I tried it on.  It needed pearls.

I went to the jewelry store to see if they had any pearls. They did! While I was trying them on I realized I had let my roots get out of control. I needed a touch up. 

I drove to the beauty supply store for some hair dye. I found the most precious shade of pink nail polish while I was looking around. I tried it on my pinky finger.  I had to get it.  At the checkout I saw some vials of glitter.  I super love glitter so I went to the arts and crafts store.

While I was there I saw that they had all the supplies needed for making a Christmas wreath, I bought them.  I just love decorating for Christmas.  OOH! That reminded me that I needed to make cookies for a party my son was having.

I went to the nearest bakery and bought 2 dozen cookies. While I was there I saw these two old ladies chatting. This made me miss my friends. So I called one of them up.  She was busy making dinner. CRAP! DINNER!

I headed home to finish making dinner.  I turned the oven on, turned my stereo on and then realized….. I forgot my bottle of wine. 

Monday, November 28, 2011

That banana didn't stand a chance.

About a year ago I did a status update: "That banana didn't stand a chance once I put peanut butter on it."

One of my friends replied that it sounded like a good start to a story. That idea gave birth to my "first sentence" writing exercise. So here it is, the very first story I wrote, provided by me. 

That banana didn't stand a chance once I put peanut butter on it. Unfortunately I had to use creamy instead of crunchy.  The crunchy  kind breaks up the soft monotonous texture of the banana.  Whenever I am deep on a case, this is my snack of choice.  Today though, I would need more than a peanut butter banana. I needed an answer, and I needed it fast. Who was this Mr. Schultz? and Why did he steal that candlestick?  

My client Mr. Hornsberry has been calling day and night. I'm running out of excuses. Ever since he first called me he had been on my case like I was on his. I was working on it, I just hadn't made much progess. The thief had left a note, but figured it was just a red herring. Something to throw me off his scent. With a note like "this is Mr. Schultz, I have your candlestick", there was no way I could build a case on that. 

I went through my usual line of questions with the victim. Did he know anyone who would wish him ill will? Had he angered anyone recently? Had he forgotten to pay a bill? Did he know anyone by the name of Schultz? Of course, all his answers turned up nothing.  Everyone knew him. He was a great guy, with great deals…. and great sausages. His chops were pretty excellent too.  His neighbors all concurred that he was a likable guy and they couldn't imagine anyone wanting to hurt him or steal from him.  This guy was the Mother Theresa of delicatessen owners. I was going to have to dig deeper. 

That night as I was digging through his trash I noticed an envelope addressed to him with no return address. There was a stamp on it that read "URGENT! ACT NOW! YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY WON!"   I opened the letter. Indeed, if he acted soon he could be the winner of one million dollars. One million dollars looks a lot like motive to me.  

The next morning I went to the dry cleaners to pick up my coat. I noticed on the bulletin board there were some ads. A dog walker, a yoga class, a theatre troupe performing "Hamlet" starring Keanu Reeves. That reminded me, I still had to buy my ticket. An antique refurbisher, a mobile dog washing company- they didn't leave an address. Then there, in the bottom left hand corner "Mike Hunt, P.I."  I've always gone by the name Mike. Michael is just too long. My card wasn't the biggest ad or the brightest, but I saw that some of my number tags had been taken.  It's nice to have job security.  

As I stepped outside it began to rain. Well at least I had my coat. I didn't bother taking the dry cleaner's plastic off. I walked the empty, wet streets alone with with my thoughts. Who steals a deli owners candlestick? Who would want a candlestick? Unless….. UNLESS.  I made a run for local electric company. I had questions for them. I would need a list of everyone who didn't have power.  The man with no power is a man with no light. A man with no light is a man in need of a candlestick.  Unfortunately though, I would soon find out that a man with no power is actually 30 men with no power. None by the name of Schultz.  Well I was back to square one. 

2 days later I got a phone call from Mr. Hornsberry. He sounded upset. He asked me to rush over to his house. When I got there he said there was a mysterious charge on his credit card. I looked at the bill "SF REFRB……. $18.00" He didn't know where the charge had come from. He hadn't used his card in days. There was no phone number on the statement. This was going to take a while.  I started with the phone book. I started at the A's. One week later I got to the S's.  I found something: "Schultz mobile dog grooming" interesting. I decided to give them a call. 

That afternoon I gave Mr. Hornsberry a call. 
"Mr. Hornsberry- I solved the case"

I should have recognized it when i first saw it. It was right there under my nose. The ad at the dry cleaners. Antique refurbishing. It wasn't 2 ads. It was ONE ad. Antique refurbishing AND mobile dog grooming. The late Mrs. Hornsberry had sent his family heirloom, the candlestick, to the cleaners. The dog cleaners, that were also antique refurbishers. The candlestick would be ready in 4 days. No need to pick up- they delivered.

Monday, November 21, 2011

It's hard to believe that someone can.....

First sentence provided by: Holly Hegler 

"It's hard to believe that someone can get bumped off by an ordinary tube of mascara, but it can happen."

More easily than you would think. Muggers should be more leery of a woman yielding a tube of mascara than one with pepper spray. I know what you're thinking, you're thinking I made this up but it's true. It really happened to my sister's neighbor's cousin's mechanic's daughter's lab partner's uncle's doctor's daughter's best friend. 

She was out with some friends, bowling I think it was. Her friends all left and she realized she left her sweater in the bowling alley. So she went back to get it and on her return to the parking lot a guy came up and grabbed her. She fumble around in her purse looking for her pepper spray. She grabbed what she thought was the pepper spray. It was just mascara. Wasting no time she rammed the tube into his eye. Then she stomped on his foot, elbowed him in the gut, turned around and kicked him in the nuts. This didn't kill him. No, it only knocked the wind out of him and dropped him to the ground with a mix of fury, pain, and confusion. 

After he fell to the ground, she dropped the mascara and got in her car. While she was backing up, her tire caught the end of the mascara tube. Instead of smashing it though, it shot it out like a rocket..... right into the guy's mouth. He jammed into his windpipe and he suffocated, thus killing him.  That is why they now have a 7 day hold on any tube of mascara you buy.  They are lethal. Guns don't kill people, mascara tubes do. 

Friday, November 18, 2011

The envelope please....

I feel like all my material lately has been so serious and somber. I knew quitting drinking would be bad for my blog.  Well, I have one more for you. Sorry.

Today I received the results from my BRACA test. This of course is for the gene mutation that causes breast cancer.

I'm not genetically predisposed to get breast cancer. That doesn't mean I won't get it, but that drops my percentage rate from 87% to 20%. Which is good. 

I don't have to step into action until I'm 35. (I'm 32 now) At that point I will start with the yearly mammograms and yearly MRI's (which I will schedule 6 months apart from each other) and every 6 months I will go in for a clinical breast exam. It sounds so serious, but it could be so much worse, so much scarier, and so much more stressful. 

Lucky for me, my % rate is 20.44% this is cool because the cut off is 19.99%. So it's like getting the special treatment without really needing it. Now it's all covered by insurance and what not. Booyah.

I was going to make this long and sappy but I don't want to, and I don't think I have it in me. I just wanted to share with  you guys the good news. Sort of. Well yeah, it IS good news. =)

Thursday, November 17, 2011


During the holidays I reflect on their true meaning, so here we are at Thanksgiving.
What comes to your mind when you think about the origins of Thanksgiving? Go ahead, take a minute. Reflect.
For some reason, in my head, I think that thanksgiving is about the English settlers who came to Plymouth Rock breaking bread with the Native Americans. Why this is in my head I have no clue. After all, they're only carrying on a tradition that was already set in place.  I suppose that was what made them set a date for thanksgiving in the Americas.

For those of you who don't know what's it about, I'll tell you. Gather 'round children while I tell you a tale..... A tale of farmers. Of many villages, with many farms and many crops. In the spring the farmers plant seeds. The rains come and feed the seeds. Then summer comes and the small sprouts eat the sunshine and they grow and grow. By the time fall comes to an end, the sprouts have become food ready to eat. So all the farmers in the villages reap the harvest. It is a lot of hard work. Once they have finished though, they celebrate and have a great feast! They give thanks to the land, to the sun, to the rain, to the earth and to their Gods for providing such a bountiful harvest. At the celebration they eat and drink and are merry with their community. This, is Thanksgiving.

Nowadays we do not have to wait once a year for a bountiful harvest. We only need to go to the grocery store on payday. Or hit up Costco. The hard work we put in it varies. Sometimes people put in hard work behind a computer, some wear lab coats, some wear hard hats. Some people will labor for hours in the kitchen preparing a feast for their loved ones. We all put in hard work differently.

I'm going to give thanks for my bounty and my husband who provides me with it all. After all, it's HIS hard work year round that makes it all possible. I will also give thanks for the time we get to spend with our loved ones and the long journeys they've made. (Modern day pilgrims)

There you have it. My own personal reflection of thanksgiving. Many thanks to all my readers and your beautiful comments.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Things you can't say to your kids....

Things you can't say to your kids once they're teenagers.

Put that nipple back in your mouth.
Get your tongue out of his ear!
Your butt smells like poop.
Close your legs you're showing everyone your hoo-haw.
Get that storm trooper out of your yoo-hoo! (thank you Lorenzo)
Are you wearing panties?
Stop playing with your wiener.
Who pooped in the bathtub? (thanks Megan)
Stop hitting your wiener.
Stop dancing on that table. (thanks Incompetent Hasfrau)
You can sleep with your sister but only for tonight.
Come here so I can wipe you.
Go get in the tub with your brother.
Did you pee in your pants?
You have to blow harder than that.
Make sure you wash your bottom really good.
Get off that pole.
Stop humping the dog.
No I don't want to see your poop.
I'm so proud of you! You counted to ten!
*pull back of pants out, peer down inside*
I'm not getting soap in your peepee.
She said she was sorry for spanking your monkey.
Stop licking him!
Get your finger out of your butt.
Put your clothes back on.
Go get in the shower with Mommy.
Stop eating your booger (thank you Elisa)

I know I missed a lot. Feel free to leave them
in the comments section and i'll add them to the list.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Eyebrows and cocktails.

These two should NEVER be mixed.
youtube version here


Pumpkin spice liquor
Goldshlagger (is there any way to 
pronounce that without sounding
Whipped Cream Vodka
Regular Absolut Vodka
Half and Half
Serve VERY chilled in martini glass. 

Thursday, November 10, 2011

There's PMSing, and then there's MSing.

Once a month I find myself asking myself some very important questions.

If I've lost so many bodily fluids, why don't I feel lightheaded or dizzy?
What is the best way to hide a dead body?
Is it in poor taste to tell the checker to "fuck off" when he asks me how my day is?
Can a whole box of brownies constitute as a meal?
If I lock myself in the bathroom how long until someone notices I'm gone?
Is it normal to cry over the death of the young turkey now resting peacefully in my freezer?
Is it normal to cry because I couldn't find my keys?
When did my fat clothes get so small?
Is there any other animal on the planet that can bleed for 5 days and not die?
I wonder if I can make a wine helmet, complete with 2 straws.... since I'm a multi-tasking mommy and I need my hands free.
Who decided white sheets would look good in my bedroom?
Can I eat hot dogs for breakfast?
I wonder if exercise is good for cramps.... I'll have to find someone who actually does that.
Who keeps touching the thermostat?
I wonder how much my kids will go for on e-bay?
Why is my husband avoiding me?
Can I make these pimples look like beauty marks if I put brown eyeliner on them?
Can I pull off these velour pants if I wear them with nice shoes?
I'm not going anywhere today. To hell with the world.

Now excuse me... I have 12 chocolate chip cookies I have to go devour.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Murphy's Laws: with kids

Murphy's Laws:
(when you have kids)

  1. Clean sheets = spontaneous bed wetting
  2. Fresh mopped floor = oil spill (true story, but no evidence. From The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva.)
  3. Favorite food bought in bulk = sudden disinterest in favorite food
  4. New clothes = growth spurt
  5. Bedtime routine perfected = day light savings 
  6. Mother with a hangover = classmates birthday party
  7. Brand new toy =  packaging is more fun
  8. Babysitter = good behavior 
  9. New phone = tub of water
  10. On time to school = forgot homework at home
  11. Brand new dishes = child breaks one
  12. First day of new job = child gets flu (I highly recommend Little White Lion's article)
  13. 2 hours spent on a lovely meal = they want hot dogs
  14. Unexpected check in the mail = tire blows out
  15. Second day of diet = you are volunteered to make 3 dozen cupcakes
  16. Finally get around to cutting that melon = it's gone bad
  17. Clean white shirt = meets child's marker (when will we learn that we can only wear the color black when we have children??)
  18. Empty tank of gas = emergency carpool leader
  19. Expensive wine = knocked over on floor
  20. They finally like grilled cheese sandwiches = just not at a restaurant after you've already ordered it. 
  21. "I want ice cream" = "I didn't want chocolate ice cream!"
  22. You shower, shave, dab some perfume, climb into bed.... = child has nightmare, needs to sleep with you. 

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Why I Love Winter

It's true: I love it. I'll tell you why.

  1. Rain- I have a darling pair of rain-boots.
  2. Flooding- I feel like I get my money's worth out of my kayak. 
  3. Power Outages- I love a legitimate excuse to sleep in and drop my kids off late. 
  4. Cold Air- I look fantastic with a cold, wet nose. It makes me think of cute puppies. 
  5. Vitamin D is sooooooo overrated. 
  6. Soup is my favorite meal to prepare. 
  7. My children play so much better indoors than outdoors. 
  8. Snow- Shoveling the sidewalk is the P90X of winter outdoor workouts. Buffed arms by spring! 
  9. Sitting on a cold toilet seat in the morning really is better than a cup of coffee to wake you up. Cheaper too!
  10. I save so much money not getting pedicures. 
  11. Ice- it's makes you more graceful than ballet. 
  12. My cracked, dry hands are just an excuse to do paraffin treatments. 
  13. Holidays- seeing all that family.
  14. Seeing all that family- drinking all those booze to cope.
  15. It's really fun carving designs in ice/frost covered car windows. 
So there you have it. Some of the reasons why I embrace winter. 

Friday, November 4, 2011


My 30 day challenge- I told it to take a flying leap. Well, sort of. I caught a cold. I promise I will try to do better. 

My daughters toys- Her room has never been cleaner, she only whined about her toys once and honestly, neither one of us misses them very much.

The marshmallow jar- still enough, still wielding MUCH power. I love you marshmallow jar. Never leave me. 

I also think I'm psychic. Why?  Because I see a cocktail video in your future. 

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Safety First.

"If you knew that every time you got in a car and did not put on a seat-belt you would get into an accident, would you start putting on your seat-belt? If you got into an accident your life would be changed FOREVER, due to possible paralysis, brain damage, or death.  If putting on a seat-belt meant that you wouldn't crash, would you wear it? Even if you didn't like the way it felt or it made you uncomfortable, would you put it on? Remember, seat-belts save lives"

That's my opening line when I tell my kids about the birds and the bees.

I'm still coming up with my rebuttal for when they say, "what if I'm riding in the trunk?"

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Sometimes I get real.

Today, shit got real.

 I'm not always an asshole or a jokester. So here goes the story: I was reading Rants from MommyLand (click on the link and it will take you to the specific article I'm referring to) It's about 1st world problems.  I suggest you read that before continuing any further. I'll wait.
 Other people refer to it as "humble brags"  Here's an example....
"I bought a pair of Louboutin's but they don't match my Louis. *pouty face*"

Get the idea?

Ok, moving on. Today while getting groceries we had to wait in line. Me and the two kids. For a long time. Like, a REALLY long time. *side note- I feel really bad for people on welfare, or WIC or using EBT. Well I feel bad for many reasons, but one reason is for the pain in the ass at check-out. Something always goes wrong. Without fail. They're not trying to hold up the line*   So that was the case today. I was the 4th customer back. I was OK waiting though. There was nowhere else I needed to be, I wasn't late and I understand that shit happens.

My daughter, on the other hand, felt the need to express her dislike of waiting.
I yanked her close to me and said,
"Did you know, there are kids in this world that don't have food to eat? There are kids who are hungry, and don't get to eat breakfast, lunch, snacks or dinner. Not even dessert. There are kids that don't live near grocery stores. There are kids whose parents don't have money for food so they don't eat. We have money for food, you are not hungry, and it is OK to have to wait in line for our groceries. DO.YOU.UNDERSTAND.ME?"

Her eyes got big and she asked "There are kids that don't have food?!? But how do they eat?" I said "They don't. They get very, very sick, and some of them die."

She thought about it, and said "well can I still play while we're waiting?"

I was getting pissed at the people walking by that were saying "What's this shit about?" and just huffing and puffing about having to wait. If they weren't old people I would have said something.

When I got to the front of the line the cashier was flustered, obviously trying to make up for lost time. I told him "It's OK. Take a deep breath. I'm not in a hurry. At least I have money for food and the resources so close to home. I'll wait if I have to. It's OK."

The bagger looked at me and said "I wish more people thought like you"
"You and me both lady!" I couldn't help but reply back.

I looked back at the people in my line and said in a loud, clear voice "At least we have food. Even if we had to wait an extra 10 minutes to pay for it" and then I turned around and left.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Dear Blog Fans

I just want to let you guys know how much I love and appreciate your comments. Blogger might be the WORST blogger platform EVAH.  I can't reply to each of your comments individually. Believe me, I wish I could. You guys leave some awesome feedback. (see how I did that in bold AND underlined it? I really mean it)

Thank you for your comments, thank you for reading my ridiculous blog, thank you for supporting me, and thank you for being here.  Believe it or not, I actually appreciate your negative feedback. Or even if you disagree with me. I love when people disagree with me. I love to hear their perspective.

So today I thank you. A million times thank you. I don't just do this for me, I also do it for you.


Dear Facebook Fans

I feel like the universe is going to collapse inside of itself. Talking about my Facebook fans on my blog? It's like seeing a Starbucks across the street from a Starbucks.


When I started my fan page I was was worried about the sort of fans I would attract. I've seen some, aggressive, fans out there. I wasn't sure the type of people I would attract. In the end I decided I would just be myself and not hide behind an alter ego. (*note- I don't think there is anything wrong with alter egos. I rather enjoy some people's alter egos. It's just not me)

So the decision to stay me paid off. I love all my fans. I feel like I could go out and drink wine with any of them and have a good time.  I don't have thousands and thousands of fans. That was never the point. I'd rather have less fans who really like me, than to have thousands upon thousands that don't even care.  For me, having fans is about having people to talk to, and to validate my drinking. Which, by the way, they are VERY, VERY good at. They're a bunch of enablers in fact. Shame, shame. Actually, that's why I love them I think.

I'm not sure I can tied all these ramblings together. I just wanted to let my fans know how much I love them, adore them, enjoy their feedback, and am grateful for their presence. You guys totally rock my world.  Thanks for sticking around and fueling my fire.


Thursday, October 27, 2011

you asked for it part 2

Wow! lots of interesting feedback. I have a chore chart for her as a reminder of the things she needs to do to be a good girl. I also have a big fishbowl. I bought 2 bags of big marshmallows. When her and her brother are good, finish their jobs, didn't fight etc. I put a marshmallow in it. The reverse it also true- when they are rotten I will take a marshmallow out. When the fish bowl is full they get a party. ("party" i.e. I make cupcakes, they invite a friend over and watch a movie)

I stole the idea from her kindergarten teacher who used cotton balls. When daughter came home I explained that things were going to be different around here. I took my lunch in her room and walked her through cleaning her room. I kept reminding her of the marshmallow and tried positive encouragement. I may have to do this for a week. Sit down and walk her through everything step by step. She didn't seem to mind losing her toys. I think in her mind it was less to clean. But when this weekend rolls around I'm sure she'll get pretty antsy for them.

Ok so there's an update!


Oh yeah? WATCH ME.
In THIS house I am Queen
and I reign supreme.
And by that I mean my daughter. She asked for it. Lately I've been noticing some bratty tendencies coming from her. I dare say spoiled bratty tendencies. Fuck it, I'm going to tell it like it his.

My daughter has become a spoiled, rotten, brat. Did you know, that kids can become this way without you spending hundreds of dollars? It's true. Daddy has her trained now that if she was "good" that day she gets candy. A habit I'm in the process of trying to break. It was all very well meaning and a way for him to do something nice, and give her a treat. So now she thinks she's always good. So she always get candy. I don't want to the be the bad guy who is always saying "no, she wasn't good. She was a brat." I can't do this because I don't want to instill that in her tiny, fragile mind. If I call her a brat all the time, then she really will become a brat to the hundredth degree.

She won't clean her room unless I'm sitting in the room screaming in her face and dragging her by the ears to each job. (Calm down, that's an exaggeration) I don't have time to hold her hand while she cleans. It's 4 steps. It's clearly labeled on a chart she helped me make. So I find myself in this position. I have a brat that doesn't want to work for her goodies.  So I've formulated a plan. A plan which I now present to you in bullet points. (bullet points you're mah only frieeeeend)

  • No more candy. Period. End of story. Being a good girl doesn't mean that you didn't get in trouble. Being a good girl means you listened to your mommy, you did your homework, you did your chores, you didn't fight with your brother. 
  • No more toys. I went into her (messy) room today and gathered up ALL of her toys. Every single toy and I locked them away. I left out her books. From now on she can earn her toys back. Keeping her room clean, being a good girl, doing her chores (see where I'm going with this?) that's how she gets them back. I can't wait to see the temper tantrum that comes from this. 
  • More clearly defined chores. Sometimes I forget she's only 5 and isn't much of a self starter. She must get that from me. So I'm pulling out the old chore chart again. This way she can keep track of her own progress and get some satisfaction out of it. 
So there. My new current mission in life is to de-bratify my kid. No toys, no candy rewards, just good, honest hard work. LIKE THE REST OF CIVILIZATION. Sometimes, I think she really does think she's a princess. Good thing I took away all of her princess dress up clothes. 

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

I *heart* MSG

I can only think of 4 good reasons to catch a cold. BUT- they're very good reasons.

  1. The Notebook
  2. noodle soup
  3. top ramen
  4. cup noodles (but we just call them "cup o' noodles" round these parts)
What can I say? I love MSG, sodium, and ingredients I can't pronounce. Oh my god, those are best tasting ones.  The bag for the Top Ramen says "to lower sodium, use less seasoning."   Are they insane?? The sodium is the best part!! At 910mg you don't really have much to spare. I mean, the recommended daily amount of sodium is 1500mg. You have to get it from somewhere! Sometimes I think I should just use 2 bags of seasonings. Then I don't have to worry about my sodium intake for the rest of the day. 

Now cup (o') noodles on the other hand.... They've made it a little bit easier. They generously provided 1060mg of sodium. But in my mind, they put 3,000mg of DELICIOUS in it. I just finished my noodle lunch and already I can feel my heart rate start to pick up. My breathing has becoming more labored. My body just isn't used to this much awesome. Which is crazy, considering the amount of awesome I put out of my body every day. Sometimes when I spit after brushing my teeth... I feel like it's a giant waste of awesome.

 That's how spitting in mean people's faces got started. Did you know that? Yeah I guess some guy was being super douchey to this lady. She was pretty awesome, so she thought to herself "self, your hands are tied behind your back and there is no way to transfer your awesome to this douche bag. He's too far away from my tears, I don't have to sneeze... I've got it! I'll spit! He's close enough, and with the proper trajectory it should hit him near or in the eyes!"   And thus, a valiant act of awesome-giving was born. 

But back to the noodles. Man I'm thirsty. Hold on a second... I need a glass of water. 

Ok I'm back. Wow. That walk to the sink really wiped me out. I'm having a hard time catching my breath. Wooooooooo. I know it isn't all those ingredients that I can't pronounce. They're big words. I trust big words. sodium tripolyphosphate. I would take a bullet for that ingredient. It sounds muy importante. Disodium inosinate. Another very important and delicious sounding ingredient. I can trust ingredients that sound like that. Why has my heart rate gone up?  

I need to go lay down for a minute. I think I have awesome overload. Not looking forward to the crash afterward. 

Monday, October 24, 2011

Day 9e9gdnkdo9u853

I delibarated a lot on what I would say to you today. I wanted to talk about my mammogram. I wanted to talk about the occupy wall street movement. I wanted to talk to you about my 30 day challenge. I wanted to share with you the awesome things that happened over the weekend. I couldn't pick one. So I will do a Haiku for all the things I wanted to talk about with you.

My boobs, they were touched
I shall now cross my fingers
and fight against fate

30 Day Challenge
The food and the sweat
are not seeing eye to eye
this is a new week

Occupy Wall Street
A revolution
it is here and it is now
make those bastards pay

Harvest Festival
two dollar beer, yum
bluegrass, family, and friends
the weather was hot.

My House
laundry and dishes
the kitchen, the laundry room..
there I'll occupy.

No seriously my house even stinks. I was gone ALL weekend and drunk the better part of yesterday so yeah.... my house.... shambles. gotta get to it. I'll probably write more later.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Day 3

In case you haven't noticed, I've been trying to blog with some normality and also trying to update you guys on my 30 day challenge. Somedays I do them separately and some days I'll tie them together. Like this day. My speech is slurred, and so is this blog.

Breakfast: sucked. I had like, 2 bites of eggs and coffee.

Dentist appointment. Christ, that SUCKED. I was all "oh this will be easy, just getting fitted for a crown". No such luck. That sonofabitch tooth hurt like a sonofabitch. WOW. I almost passed out from the numbing shot. Which afterward the DDS informed me had epinephrin. IS that a word? It makes your heart pump faster. Also, it makes your hands shake and makes you dizzy and lightheaded and ready to pass the f%^&* out. Which I almost  did.

After said  appointment I came home, sat on the couch and watched a movie. I refrained from pain medication due to the pick up times and driving distance of my children. THROBBING THROBBING THROBBING. Sounds sexy until you say the word "tooth". Then you go "sckshhhh!!" on an inhale. (Go ahead, do it out loud. You probably already did)

OK so. I had a MetRX with peanut butter and banana. (they don't pay me, I'm not an affiliate. My husband used to be a body builder and he swears by this stuff)  So there was a half of day's worth of calories. I couldn't chew. I couldn't open my mouth. I STILL can't open my mouth very wide. (poor Mr. C.E.O.) So that was snack and lunch and snack.

I drank water. Well, I washed down a painkiller when my last kid came home.. with water.

So around 3:30 I got hungry and I decided I needed soup. But what would I put in it? I opened my fridge. MUAHAHAHAHA! I had LOTS of things.

"garbage soup" (so my Facebook followers tell me it's named)
diced carrots
diced celery
diced fennel
diced onions
fresh minced garlic
fresh thyme
black truffle salt
~saute├ęd, or sweated, or whatever~

chicken bullion (It's a liquid/gel thingy. I got it from the health food store so it doesn't have msg, or other ridiculous ingredients that are impossible to pronounce)
sprouted bean trio

I cooked it for like, an hour. scooped out my portion, then added home made dumplings for the kids. so freakin' good.

But then- I had a moment of weakness. it was wine. And I drank a bunch.
I did not work out today. Today was not a total fail though. I didn't eat junk food. I drank water. I put fuel in my body. I juiced my extra fruit in the fridge.
-strawberries, apple, mango, pineapple, cantaloupe, kale, spinach and tangerines. yes, it has a lot of sugar. Yes I'm getting the fruit portion of my diet in.

I didn't work out. No. I wanted to. but I didn't. BUT- for this 30 day challenge I have given myself 3 leeway days. this is the first. (awesome, day number 3. I totally pulled a Little white lion )

so STFU. I'm trying. I'm making changes. and you  know what? i put on my jeans today.... they slipped right on. They were not loose by any means... but I didn't have to do any special breathing exercises to get them on. I'm not saying I look fabulous... but I looked fabulous. Just getting started, getting into a routine... sort of. I'm not perfect. I'm trying. Ridicule me if you must. It will only make me try harder.

*I've had 3 glasses of wine which is equal to .... like 800 calories or something.  I'm totally buzzed. so if this stupid post isn't edited perfectly.... now you know why.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Day 2

I was SORE today. SORE!!! From putting in the bare minimum effort to make me sweat on the easiest level with easiest effort. SORE!!! SORE!!! It's embarrassing. 

Breakfast: same as yesterday
Snack: banana
Lunch: same as yesterday
Snack: slice of pumpkin bread. <I know, I know>
Dinner: spinach salad with hamburger patties.

Hamburger patties:
organic ground beef
chicken sausage
roasted red peppers
fresh garlic
whorechester sauce (yes, i call it WHOREchester sauce. get over it)
gorgonzola cheese

mix ingredients, slap on the grill. 
top with pesto mayo. yummmm.

Despite being sore I DID work out. I'm glad I did. I couldn't face you guys if i didn't. 

Day 2: COMPLETE. (complete with a glass of wine that is. heee heee)

Open Letters

Dear Good Intentioned Stranger,
Yes I've had this dark spot looked at. It's benign. Thanks for caring.

Dear Kindergarten Teacher,
Despite my first impression of you, I actually like you a lot. I want to share a bottle of wine with you and talk shit about the kids. I think you secretly want to do the same with me.

Dear Hippie Parents at my kids school,
Your kids* are the worst behaved.
* I clearly said "at my  kids school" so settle down before you get defensive.

Dear Cashier at the Grocery Store,
If I want to buy my kids donuts I can, regardless of what they ate previously.
P.S. Passive aggressive is SO unattractive.

Dear Parents in the Drop off zone at school,
DROP OFF ZONE is not some secret code for "PARK HERE UNTIL YOUR KID SHOWS UP". Move along. 

Dear Neighbor,
Your fan that blows the smoke out of your room blows it directly into my kitchen. If you find a rock wedged in it, it wasn't me.

Dear Spawn,
The reason why you "always have to clean up messes" is because you "always make messes". start putting your things away and you won't have to "clean" anymore.

Dear Mr. C.E.O.
You are my favorite person on the planet. Thank you for always making me laugh. I want to share with the world that you took my car on monday and filled it with gas for me, despite having to come home and retrieve your wallet after a long day of work.
xoxo and then some

Dear Hometown Friends,
I wish you guys would visit me instead of me always having to drive 8 hours to see you. All except ONE of you and you know who you are.

Dear Christmas,
Wait your turn.

Dear Dermatologist,
Thank you for the awesome prescription. My skin looks AMAZING.

Dear Insurance,
Thanks for covering my prescriptions.

Dear Life,
Thank you for being crazy, unpredictable, frustrating, amazing, and beautiful.
But we seriously need to talk about cancer. Not cool, life... not cool.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Day 1

workout: walk 3 miles, Jillian Michaels workout
Breakfast: 2 scrambled eggs, 2 chicken sausages
Snack: apple
Lunch: string cheese, carrot, hummus, sugar snap peas, sweet
bell pepper, sprouted wheat berry toast with almond butter and banana.  yes, that's a cookie. baby steps.
Snack: a couple of tortilla chips with hummus
Dinner: tomato soup, grilled cheese (franchese and fontina), salad and steak.

No wine.
100 oz. of water.

so far so good.

I don't know if you guys follow her on Facebook, but The Brazen Apron just started the paleo diet and she's HILARIOUS to follow on her journey. Amongst her other funny shenanigans.

see you tomorrow.

actual IM conversation I had today:

me: go get acupuncture
her: I would, but I'm afraid of needles
me: you're weaker than a sack of balls
her: you're right about that
me: start acting like a vagina. They can take a pounding and in the end, they only look mildly amused.
her: Oh.My.God.

True story.

30 day challenge.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

31 years

October 15th is my birthday. I turned 32. So to recap my 31st year I'm going to put some things in bullet points because they make writing soooooo much easier. Stuff I learned, figured out or witnessed.

  • Friends come and go. end of story. 
  • Don't say "I'm fine" if you don't mean it. 
  • Treat your kids like they're awesome. The opposite yields opposite results.
  • Marry your best friend. Remember they are your best friend. 
  • Fight for your children. No one else will. 
  • People have to earn your respect and love. 
  • Don't waste your time with people you don't like. 
  • Don't eat food you don't like. 
  • Exercise for your mind and soul, not your body.
  • Anything is possible.
  • You don't have to succeed at everything you try. And that's OK.
  • Laughter always makes you feel good and never gives you a hangover.
  • Wash the dishes before you go to bed. 
  • Don't keep tabs on favors. 
  • Take a day (or two)... forget the laundry, dishes, and dinner. Play with your children in their world. 
  • Love where you live. 
  • Floss your teeth.
  • Take time to spend with your girlfriends.
  • Love really does overcome everything. Including a broken face. 
Of all the things that I've come to better understand... Love and Laughter top the list. Be open to love. Be open to the joy and pain of love. Accept laughter. Laugh often. Make others laugh. Find the the beauty and/or humor in everything. 

The other day, I realized what the meaning of life is. No, it's not 42. It's different for every single person. For me, I want to laugh. I look for funny things,  I surround myself with funny people, I watch funny movies, I read funny books... I want to laugh. I want to laugh honestly. I want to smile and feel happy. I have a funny husband and together we have a comedic life. I love it. I love him, I love our funny/insane children. I love my funny brother, who by the way, is TEN TIMES funnier than me. 
To have a light, happy heart, to me, is the meaning of my life. I'm not an entrepreneur. I'm not a numbers person. I'm not a leader. I live my own life and put in it the things that make me happy. Because I can. Because it's my life. 
When I find that I am unhappy, it is because I have put unrealistic expectations on my life or compared myself to people I don't know. If my heart is happy, than I am happy, and my life is happy. 

Happy Birthday to me. To another year of awakening, understanding, laughter, love, friendship, forgiveness, pain, humility, contentment, aspirations and enlightenment. 

Thank you life for being a journey. A journey I am glad I have an interest in. 

This blog post was made possible by pinot noir, champagne, and viewers like you. 

Friday, October 14, 2011

Waiting room fun.

I went to get acupuncture today. I did something to my back and blah blah blah. So I'm in the waiting room and I have to fill out paperwork. The guy next to me was filling out paperwork. I kept looking over at his paper, then mine. Then his, then mine. He shifted in his seat a little bit. Obviously uncomfortable that I was looking over at his paper. Then I whispered to him "Hey... what you'd get for number three?"
It took him a few minutes to get it. But then he chuckled. Cool, he was cool.

The guy to my right noticed I was chatty. He said "so what are you in for?" A bit of an odd question. Oh well, I replied with "Schizophrenia."
He looked SHOCKED and sorry that he asked. He squirmed and stuttered an apology.
Then I said "Don't listen to her, she's here for depression."
Then of course the whole room sort of let out a collective sigh. Ice broken.

I was the last one left in the room. I saw the chairs were in a pattern. like so:
Notice anything? Yes they're fruit loops. STAY FOCUSED!
Look closely.  A pattern maybe? Yes. There is a pattern. 
These were the same colors as the chairs by the way. I wrote it down. Purple, blue, green, etc. etc. 

Now, because I'm insane, I rearranged them. 

I would not have been able to sleep tonight if I left them the other way. I don't have OCD. I swear. It just didn't feel right. Now, it does!
So that's my story of how I'm obnoxious in the waiting room. 

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

I pay attention, and you should too

I pay attention to politics, believe it or not. I've been watching the GOP debates, I listen to BBC, I feel passionately about topics. I really do. I'm not all up in it's face, but I'm not in the dark either.  I am also married to someone who is completely crazy about politics. OK, crazy is a terrible word to use. He's "passionate" like, burning man/L.A. fires passionate. My passion is about the size of a campfire stove. You don't see it, but it's hot, it's not big, but you can still cook on it. What was I talking about? S'mores? I love s'mores. Put peanut butter on the graham cracker before you start.... so good. Where was I? Oh camping. I love camping too. No wait, I wasn't talking about camping....

Oh that's right,  I pay attention. That's what I was saying. (you would be forced to believe otherwise at this point though) Now while I try not to (and most often succeed) discuss politics on here, I'm going to today.

People listen, if you are going to take sides on a political party- awesome. You should. Find one that suits you. Do some research. Don't pick a political party based on what your parents where affiliated with, or your ex-husband, or your best friends. If you don't know where you stand don't vote. (It's hard typing that, by the way) Educate yourself on the topics that are important to you. Don't just research the pros, look into the cons as well. Do some reading. Just don't read the news. For the love of wine DON'T WATCH THE NEWS.

Fun Fact:  American news outlets are categorized as "entertainment". The only news source that is categorized as "news" is The BBC. The BBC is the largest news company on the planet. Just throwing that out there.

"I'm outraged!"
If you feel passionately about the earth, about government, about your city, about jobs, about taxes... etc. Then DO SOMETHING. If you are angry, if you are happy, if you agree, if you disagree, SAY SOMETHING. I'm going to make it easy for you. I've included  the  links for finding your local congressman and contacting the President. Easy right? So easy. I'm sure finding your mayor is not that difficult either.

While protesting does get attention, they are not speaking with one voice. Make your own voice heard. Tell a friend to write a letter! Or email, as it were.

contact the president and/or white house
contact your local congressman
contact your governor
contact elected officials

A silent voice can not be heard.

*getting off soapbox now*

Where's my tent? I was to go camping now.

Monday, October 10, 2011


While out to breakfast with my girlfriend on Sunday I caught the most awesome eavesdropping nugget I have ever heard.

We're sitting at our table, and a 3-top is seated next to us. They were all inquiring about the location of the bathroom. Each one came back with some story to tell of their experience. Which, come on, is there anything else you would want to hear with your morning cup of Joe and pancake balls? I didn't think so. Then we heard it. My girlfriend and I looked at each other barely able to contain our laughter. It was this:

Random Lady on her experience: "Once I uncrossed my legs I knew I was in trouble"

You and me both, Lady. You and me, both.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Motherhood: a falsity

This was a different time.
Get that through your head. 
This is a soapbox blog post. I'm sorry that it is going to come off as finger wagging. It's just something that's been bothering me. 

We need to change our thinking about motherhood. I'm being serious. We are way too hard on ourselves. I've been doing some thinking lately, and I've been doing some observing, and I think we're going about this all wrong. Many mothers feel like they are terrible mothers. They're not as good as so-and-so. Their kids are not as nicely groomed as so-and-so's kids. We are always comparing ourselves to other moms that we think are better than us. Which is weird. Why would we compare ourselves to people we don't know? We're all different. We all have different parenting styles. We all have different lives.

I volunteer in my kids classes every week. At first I thought it was this obnoxious chore that I had to do. Now I really, REALLY enjoy it. I love seeing the kids that don't match. Or seeing a little girl who is wearing an outfit that you KNOW she fought for. Her favorite dress that she wants to wear EVERY day even though it's ripped, has holes, and doesn't fit properly. Mom gave in. That's cool.  I love seeing the little girls whose hair hasn't been brushed. I love seeing a ponytail that was thrown up haphazardly. I love seeing what they have in their lunch boxes. I've seen Lunchables in lunch bags. I've seen bags of chips, I've seen lunches with no fruit. I love seeing all these things because there is no such thing as a perfect mom. There isn't.

Even if you were able to glimpse into the life of someone you thought was a perfect mom, your assessment would be wrong. It would be wrong because you can't discover that much in just a glimpse. People have good days, and they have bad days.

We're all in this together. 
Another myth: Judgey moms. You can't know that someone is judging you. You're at the grocery store and another mom says something to you in passing. You're thinking she's judging you. Maybe she's just trying to reach out to another mom because she's been cooped up with kids all damn day too. Yes people say stupid shit. That's a fact. But judging you? How the hell would you know that?

Myth: Pearl Clutchers. Where did this come from? Who are these "so called" pearl clutchers? Women who are dressed nice? Look, I already told you, you have no way of knowing if people are judging you. Who cares how they look! So now you're judging someone you think is judging you? Yeah that makes sense.

Myth: Domestic Enemies. They are not. They are just people that don't know any better. People asking you about adoption in front of your kid. I've made this mistake, unbeknownst to me. I was just curious because my husband and I looked into adoption for a very long time. I had questions. Sorry that asking you about how you acquired your daughter was a no-no. If you're not in someone's shoes than there are things that are not obvious to you. That's life.

Generally speaking I don't think people ever try to be mean on purpose. Or rude. We think we know people so we have expectations. You don't know people, you don't know what's going on in their life, you don't know. You wouldn't be on a jury and have to make a verdict without anyone pleading a case or providing evidence would you? So don't come up with a verdict on people you don't know.

If there is such thing as a perfect mom.
This would be it.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

I'm a jokester. Or an asshole.

I can never decide which it is. Either way, I'm having fun. Today I had my annual woman exam. A day I look forward to all year. I look forward to it as much as Halloween. Today I showed up to my appt wearing these:

My doctor said "nice socks"
I said "Well you know, presentation is everything"
It also gets pretty chilly in those stirrups. 

Next time I go I want to throw on some glitter down there. That doctor will have glitter on her for the WHOLE DAY. It'll be on the floor. They'll be tracking it through the office. Patients will come in thinking "Did they have a party in here? Is it someone's birthday?"

Or maybe I'll put some red lipstick on down there. When the doctor looks puzzled I'll just say "Look, I don't expect YOU to understand my forward thinking when it comes to fashion and style. Vagazzle? SOOOOOO last year. I'm a classy lady. I prefer my lips have Loreal's "Seduction" red lipstick, not cheap rhinestones"

Maybe I'll get some fantastic henna tattoo on the insides of my thighs. Like, a picture of a hand reaching up my thigh. Then say "Hurry up doc he's going to beat you!"

Or I'll just put a biohazard sticker on my hoo-hah. The doctor will have to take it off and then I can say "OK, but you were warned"

How about a new year's popper. When the doc ducks under the drape, release the popper. (I sound like Liam Neeson in "Clash of the Titans". RELEASE THE KRACKEN POPPER!) Tell the doctor that he's your vagina's 1 millionth customer and would he like to claim his prize?

I know I did a blog post similar to this before. But honestly I'm too lazy to go back and search for it. It was something about how gynos should also include waxing in their list of services they provide and how awesome that insurance would cover it. 

Anyway. It's all over now, and I'll have to wait until next year for my next gynecological exam costume. 

I wonder if my doctor gets irritated that at the end of the exam I say "Are you going to call me?"