Thursday, June 14, 2012


I love mexican food. REAL mexican food. Being part Mexican I cook it at home, I request it when I visit my mother, I make tortillas from scratch.... Me gusta authentic Mexican food. Who doesn't? Well apparently Texans. (no offense to Texans. Don't get made at me. but this is truth)

Why would anyone make TexMex when they have regular Mex? ESPECIALLY when they're so close to the border? I can understand Wisconsin or Maine coming up with their  own version of Mexican. But TEXAS??  Come on! You can smell the carne asada from your doorstep!

I recently had the misfortune of picking out a restaurant. I said, 'when in Rome'! So I picked a true blue Texas 'TexMex" eatery. WHAT.THE.HELL? I'll spare you the details and guide you to  my review on yelp if you're interested.

People, let me tell you something. Less is more for a REASON. The beauty in mexican food is it's simplicity. The Mexicans are not a wealthy group. Eating off the land, using all the meat from an animal, using the same 10 ingredients to make 75 different dishes... it's like, survival food, it's beautiful and it relays years and years and years of culture. Recipes passed down from generation to generation. Not meant for the bastardization of a burrito becoming a chimichanga.

Texas- shame on you. Ya'll are like a painted up trollop posing as a mexican. A wolf in sheeps clothing. A flat chested girl in a push up bra.  Ya'll are the spanx of "mexican" food. I don't know what you're doing, I don't know why you're doing it. All I know is that it is an abomination. A travesty on authentic cooking. Stick to what ya'll are good at, BBQ.  Keep your brisket, ribs, pork, chicken and sauce. Let's face it, you guys cook meat. and you cook it well. Everything is bigger in The Republic of Texas. Meat included! Big hair, BIG trucks, big MEAT. Work with that angle.

If ya'll are going to have Mexican food then have real Mexicans making your menus and cooking in the kitchen. You know what? We SHOULD let the mexicans cross the border, but in order to do that they have to spend a year cooking mexican food in restaurants. Then they have to train a successor. Then they can't send money back to Mexico. And they can't have more than 3 babies. And they have to learn the language. Then they have to serve in the military for  a year while we imperialize Mexico.

Why can't they have taco cartels instead of drug cartels? THAT'S where the money is at. More people eat food than do drugs. All those tunnels they dig, sending over delicious carnitas. Black market guacamole. Red label salsa.  JalapeƱos by the kilo! Bricks of Cilantro! Refried beans hidden in gas tanks. All fueled by tequila! Sure the workers will be a little slower, a little heavier; after all, you have to realize they'll be dipping into the stash. But it will get there!  As payment they'll receive cash and Lipitor

Where was I going with this? SQUIRREL!

Wednesday, June 13, 2012


Sometimes I look back on the time I had two toddlers. I shudder. I even look back and remember having a baby in a bjorn and a very small 2 year old in a stroller. I did that every day. Grocery store, park, Ikea, Target. Looking back now I don't know how I did it. I don't know if I could do it now. If someone said "I'll trade you my adorable 3 month old and 2year old for a day and I'll take your 1st graders off your hands for the day" I'm not sure I could do it. I'd probably end up putting The Family Guy on and offering the baby some raw honey and dinosaur shaped chicken. The great thing about raising kids is that they also raise you. Everyone is unprepared but little by little, day by day you get through it, you learn from it and get into the groove. Until a tooth comes in. Or someone poops in the toilet. That you're back to chaos and crying.... while the kids watch Dora and eat goldfish crackers.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

The book of travels. Or not. Whatever.

Hello Dear Readers,

Remember me? The Home C.E.O.? I used to write funny little stories? Yeah I'm still here. Funny? TBD.

So 3 months later I am still traveling. I was speaking with a friend of mine, Not So Silent Mommy, and she suggested I write a book about our trip. She even provided me with an example of a less funny version of a woman who takes her kids traveling for a year. While I would never in my right mind take my children on a year long tour of the world (never say never) I don't think I could use it as a "guide". There would be no helpful hints, or tricks. No simple solutions, no great ideas on how to pack lighter. Sadly the book would be a cautionary tale full of Xanax*, cocktails, and alligators. And possibly why never to mix the 3.  Maybe in a hilarious turn of events we would pick up some stranded hermit crabs and adopt them taking them along the way. Maybe the third part of the book would be from their perspective. Driving in a car, cruising on a ship, flying in a plane, almost drowning in bubble water, spending their evenings trying to climb up the slippery walls of the bathtub like a hamster in a wheel. (I have been told the enjoy exercise so I try not to feel sorry for them)

Or maybe I could write the book about hotels. Just because a hotel as the name "Wyndham" in it does not a classy hotel make. Just because you purchase a hotel room does not mean a CLEAN hotel room will be provided to you. Just because you purchase a hotel room does not mean YOU will leave it clean. (and why would you? YOU paid THEM, not the other way around)  If a hotel is cheap, there's a reason behind it.

Maybe I could write it based on all the items I've lost along the trip. Or all the dead animals we've seen. Or how many different beds I've slept in. (This sounds more like erotica to me though, we'll save that for the sequel. The sexy sequel) What about talking about the places I've visited in alphabetical order.  
Chapter 1- Alabama. Chapter 2- Austin. Chapter 3- Boston. Chapter 4 - Caicos. Chapter  5-
Colorado. Chapter 6- Delaware. etc. etc.

I've thought about chronological order... but it feels so played out. EVERYONE writes in chronological order. *yum, this sarcasm tastes delicious*      So then what else is there?  I could write the book around all the art we've purchased. Which sadly, I can barely remember. We buy art, then ship it home. I've forgotten what we've bought! Ok so that won't work. Besides, art is BO-RING to read about.

I've got it! The book can be a tragedy. Girl leaves home, girl travels, girls runs over frogs on road, girl sees deer get hit by car, girl loses favorite pair of shoes, girl starts period. Girls gets hangover. Hmmm, maybe that's too sad. Nobody wants to read a story where someone loses an awesome pair of heels.

What if I wrote it based on terrain in reverse alphabetical order? That could be interesting. Chapter 1- Swamps. Chapter 2- Sea. Chapter 3- Mountains. Chapter 4- Desert. That would be hard, there are too many subcategories.

There's alphabetical order by state, then alphabetical order by city. I could write about all the best public restrooms I've been to and rank them. Or maybe it could be a book based on facts.
FACT: subway is the largest chain in the country.
FACT: the Chuck E. Cheese in Tallahasee is a DUMP and they have a sign outside that says "no firearms or weapons allowed inside".
FACT: The continental divide is where the water flows to the west on one side, and to the east on the other.
FACT: I have created the ULTIMATE key lime colada.
FACT: my husband is hot.
FACT: you are not allowed to own a car in Texas, it must be a Truck.
 It can be the encyclopedia Brittanica. People will refer to it when traveling.

Or what about Myths?
MYTH: The stars are big and bright deep in the heart of Texas.
MYTH: the food at a restaurant shows up exactly as pictured in the menu.
MYTH: dry heat is better than humid heat. (FACT: they both suck equally)
 MYTH: Disneyland is the greatest place on earth (FACT: only if space mountain is open, which it never is)

How about based on observations?
Alligator tastes more like chicken than frog legs do. or between the frog legs for that matter.
Austin, Provincetown, Key West and Santa Cruz have so much in common.
The pedestrians are crazy in Boston.
The bible thumpiest places also have the most XXX stores and XXX live shows.
Dolphins are assholes.
Tropical storms and cyclones are not nearly as fun to drive through as they sound.
In a restaurant/cafe... sit against the wall, this will ensure the server won't spill anything on you.
Wrestling an alligator is harder than it looks, just ask Mr. CEO.
The inside of New Jersey really is beautiful.
New York really is crazy to drive around.

Although that would be less of  a "book" and more of a "list" which I'm pretty sure people don't enjoy reading. Well, except maybe Schindler.

On second thought, maybe writing a book is a bad idea. I have been keeping a journal though. I'm only a month and a half behind but I'm sure if I set my mind to it I could finish it no problem. Oh look! Something shiny!

*I do not take Xanax. I have never taken Xanax. It is purely a comical addition.  I wish I do/have and would gladly take one if offered.