Monday, January 23, 2012

I know what you're up to....

As you all know, I despise passive aggression. I'm a person who speaks bluntly and honestly.  It's one of Mr. CEO's favorite qualities of mine. I say what I mean. Not everyone has this ability.
There are plenty of these "what she said, what she meant" lists out there.
But this one is MINE. I feel like I might have already done one like this before, but I'm not digging through the archives to find out.

What they say
= what they mean

"I can't make it, my kid is sick"
= Something better came up

"We shouldn't be longer than 2 hours"
= It's going to be longer than 2 hours

 "Wow you have your hands full with those kids!"
= Your kids are assholes, and you can't control them. They'll probably end up in Juvey.

"My, your daughter certainly is precocious"
= Your kid is a know-it-all. Nobody likes a know-it-all.

"Yeah let's together! How about my house?"
= Your house is filthy and my tetanus shot is not current

"Maybe we can just go do something without kids?"
= I don't like your kids, plus, I want to drink

"It's been one of those CRAZY days and I'm totally fried!!"
= My kids were bothering me the WHOLE four hours I was on FaceBook

"I read it somewhere"
= I just made it up

"I'm 5 minutes away"
= I'm 20 minutes away

"This is only my first glass"
= This is my third glass

"Those look comfortable"
= Those are ugly

"I'm over it"
= I will continue to obsess over this but I want people to think I don't care

"WOW! That shirt looks SOOOOO AMAZING ON YOU!!!"
= Please throw away every other shirt you own, they look like trash compared to this

"I miss my kids when I'm not around them"
= I'm only saying this so you'll think I'm a decent human being.

"What's in this casserole, I can't quite identify that flavor; is it saffron?"
= I am unable to identify the contents of this dish, it is horrible.  I might need to get my stomach pumped.

"Let's share a dessert"
= I'm going to eat the entire thing but if anyone asks we shared.

"Do you want me to pay you back now or when I see you again?"
= I don't have the money to pay you back right now.

"Your son is really high energy isn't he?"
= I'm no doctor but I think your kid has ADD

"What a beautiful ring!"
= This better not be real

"The person before me really stunk up the bathroom"
= I stunk up the bathroom but I don't want you to know that

"What size is that dress?"
= I want to make sure I'm still skinnier than you.

"Oh I would, but I just ate"
= I want you to think I don't eat that kind of food

"This looks like a safe neighborhood"
= I don't see any black people

"Well you know what they say..."
= I'm too unoriginal to come up with my own quips and quotes

"Did you fart?"
= You farted. Gross.

"Google it"
= Please don't call my bluff. Please don't call my bluff. Please don't call my bluff.

"The kids just aren't a good match"
= That kid is a jerk

"Wellllllllllll, OK, maybe just one more"
= What the hell took you so long to ask?????

"Sorry I'm late, my housekeeper was late."
= I want you to think I have lots of money

"I'll drive!"
= Your car smells funny

"Can you drive?"
= I don't want to use the gas

"Want to go for a run with me?"
= You need to lose some weight

"5 kids really? They must be religious."
= They must be Mexican

"So I have a friend who has this problem..."
= I have this problem....

"I'm not that drunk"
= I'm so drunk I think you'll believe that I'm not that drunk

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Monday, January 2, 2012


Or as we like to call it "EXTREME MARRIAGE". Parenthood is the olympics of being a professional couple. It takes training, discipline, determination. Sometimes a helmet, often some patience and always a lot of love.

  Are YOU a PROFESSIONAL? Here are the top 12 1/2  ways to know.

  1. Right when you are the middle of something you get interr.....
  2. Your snooze button is a stop watch to see how fast you can get your family out the door. The goal: personal best!
  3. You turn into Dr. House trying to figure out how your kid caught that fever, that rash and how to handle it. All while trying to manage your pain.... 
  4. When dinner time comes around you feel like a cross between Iron Chef and MacGuyver. "We've got a can of tuna, some noodles and baby carrots, GO!"
  5. You feel like Jane Fonda while bending over to pick up clothes and toys. "Aaaaaaaand one, and two, and three, and breath, and reach, and six, and stretch, and eight and hold, hold, hold...... and again!" 
  6. They call you "Mario Andretti" when you drive your kids to school.
  7. You consider doing laundry a hobby and can fold a t-shirt 7 different ways. 
  8. You can successfully maneuver the obstacle course in your kids' room like a soldier in a mine field. 
  9. You become the worlds most amazing interrogator when it comes to finding out who broke your vase. The Closer comes to YOU for advice. 
  10. You've gotten so good at opening and drinking wine that you could become a sommelier. A sommelier for wines under $20. 
  11. You use infrared lights, take DNA samples and question suspects all in the hopes of finding one.lost.shoe.
  12. You feel like a referee in a UFC match when your kids fight. 
  13. You envy the praying mantis who can bite the head off her mate. 
  14. Anyone can ask you anything, at anytime and you know the answer. "Mom, where's my book?" "Honey, where are my keys?" They call you "psyche". 
If you answered yes to any of these examples then you need to go find yourself a sponsor.