Not so anonymous

Is that spelled right? anonymous? it doesn't look right. Anyway....
I didn't want to write this blog.  I didn't want to write it because I am ashamed, embarrassed, guilty, regretful, and ashamed. AND embarrassed. But mostly ashamed.

I knew I had a problem. I thought I could beat it on my own. My husband was very delicate when he broached the subject offering his support of what I was doing but gently reminding me that it was not the only thing I should be doing.

Hello. My name is Lisa, and I am addicted to facebook. This may sound funny or like I'm making fun of other addicts but I'm not. I believe it is a serious condition.

In the beginning it was fine. A way to connect with friends and family, a way to share photos, a way to stay in touch. I would go on it every now and again, but socially. Sometimes only to stop in to watch. I started spending more time there, socially... but still more time.  I began a fan page and I think that is where it started to spiral out of control.

I started neglecting my daily duties. Dinner started late, laundry was left in the washer for days, errands weren't getting ran. I noticed I was always late to meetings and appointments.
Before I knew it I was checking my Facebook first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Obsessively checking it on my phone, and running to my computer after a trip to the bathroom to see if I missed anything.

I never wanted anyone to know how much I was on it. It's so embarrassing. It has become my dirty little secret. Then the lying started. I started to lie about how long I was on it. I lied about leaving the house and going for walks, even though I was just at home on FB.

When you start lying about how much time you spend on FB... you are on it too much. I didn't care. I had fans, I had friends, we had conversations, we were being funny! Why take life so serious?! Laugh when we can! And I sought out laughter constantly.

Then there are my kids. I was always too busy on the computer to play with them, get them ready for bed, read them stories.... I've lost time with them that I'll never get back. NEVER.

Just typing this out makes me feel sick to my stomach. I hate what this addiction has done to me. What it's made me become. I hate that I can't just get off the god damn computer. I hate that I couldn't be one of the those people who could limit their time, who had discipline.

Last night I deactivated my account. We all now that you can't delete it. We all know that it's still there, waiting for you to come back. So every day is a struggle not to get on. Or at least, it will be. Today was day 1. I made it through today.

If you are like me, please consider what I'm saying. The things that need your attention most, are the things and people in your own home.

I realize how ridiculous this may sound to you- but it is absolutely serious to me.
So if you can't find me on Facebook... now you know why.