Saturday, October 29, 2011

Dear Blog Fans

I just want to let you guys know how much I love and appreciate your comments. Blogger might be the WORST blogger platform EVAH.  I can't reply to each of your comments individually. Believe me, I wish I could. You guys leave some awesome feedback. (see how I did that in bold AND underlined it? I really mean it)

Thank you for your comments, thank you for reading my ridiculous blog, thank you for supporting me, and thank you for being here.  Believe it or not, I actually appreciate your negative feedback. Or even if you disagree with me. I love when people disagree with me. I love to hear their perspective.

So today I thank you. A million times thank you. I don't just do this for me, I also do it for you.

Besos,
xoxo
Lisa

Dear Facebook Fans

I feel like the universe is going to collapse inside of itself. Talking about my Facebook fans on my blog? It's like seeing a Starbucks across the street from a Starbucks.

*Ahem*

When I started my fan page I was was worried about the sort of fans I would attract. I've seen some, aggressive, fans out there. I wasn't sure the type of people I would attract. In the end I decided I would just be myself and not hide behind an alter ego. (*note- I don't think there is anything wrong with alter egos. I rather enjoy some people's alter egos. It's just not me)

So the decision to stay me paid off. I love all my fans. I feel like I could go out and drink wine with any of them and have a good time.  I don't have thousands and thousands of fans. That was never the point. I'd rather have less fans who really like me, than to have thousands upon thousands that don't even care.  For me, having fans is about having people to talk to, and to validate my drinking. Which, by the way, they are VERY, VERY good at. They're a bunch of enablers in fact. Shame, shame. Actually, that's why I love them I think.

I'm not sure I can tied all these ramblings together. I just wanted to let my fans know how much I love them, adore them, enjoy their feedback, and am grateful for their presence. You guys totally rock my world.  Thanks for sticking around and fueling my fire.

Besos!!
xoxox
Lisa

Thursday, October 27, 2011

you asked for it part 2

Wow! lots of interesting feedback. I have a chore chart for her as a reminder of the things she needs to do to be a good girl. I also have a big fishbowl. I bought 2 bags of big marshmallows. When her and her brother are good, finish their jobs, didn't fight etc. I put a marshmallow in it. The reverse it also true- when they are rotten I will take a marshmallow out. When the fish bowl is full they get a party. ("party" i.e. I make cupcakes, they invite a friend over and watch a movie)

I stole the idea from her kindergarten teacher who used cotton balls. When daughter came home I explained that things were going to be different around here. I took my lunch in her room and walked her through cleaning her room. I kept reminding her of the marshmallow and tried positive encouragement. I may have to do this for a week. Sit down and walk her through everything step by step. She didn't seem to mind losing her toys. I think in her mind it was less to clean. But when this weekend rolls around I'm sure she'll get pretty antsy for them.

Ok so there's an update!

YOU ASKED FOR IT.

Oh yeah? WATCH ME.
In THIS house I am Queen
and I reign supreme.
And by that I mean my daughter. She asked for it. Lately I've been noticing some bratty tendencies coming from her. I dare say spoiled bratty tendencies. Fuck it, I'm going to tell it like it his.

My daughter has become a spoiled, rotten, brat. Did you know, that kids can become this way without you spending hundreds of dollars? It's true. Daddy has her trained now that if she was "good" that day she gets candy. A habit I'm in the process of trying to break. It was all very well meaning and a way for him to do something nice, and give her a treat. So now she thinks she's always good. So she always get candy. I don't want to the be the bad guy who is always saying "no, she wasn't good. She was a brat." I can't do this because I don't want to instill that in her tiny, fragile mind. If I call her a brat all the time, then she really will become a brat to the hundredth degree.

She won't clean her room unless I'm sitting in the room screaming in her face and dragging her by the ears to each job. (Calm down, that's an exaggeration) I don't have time to hold her hand while she cleans. It's 4 steps. It's clearly labeled on a chart she helped me make. So I find myself in this position. I have a brat that doesn't want to work for her goodies.  So I've formulated a plan. A plan which I now present to you in bullet points. (bullet points you're mah only frieeeeend)

  • No more candy. Period. End of story. Being a good girl doesn't mean that you didn't get in trouble. Being a good girl means you listened to your mommy, you did your homework, you did your chores, you didn't fight with your brother. 
  • No more toys. I went into her (messy) room today and gathered up ALL of her toys. Every single toy and I locked them away. I left out her books. From now on she can earn her toys back. Keeping her room clean, being a good girl, doing her chores (see where I'm going with this?) that's how she gets them back. I can't wait to see the temper tantrum that comes from this. 
  • More clearly defined chores. Sometimes I forget she's only 5 and isn't much of a self starter. She must get that from me. So I'm pulling out the old chore chart again. This way she can keep track of her own progress and get some satisfaction out of it. 
So there. My new current mission in life is to de-bratify my kid. No toys, no candy rewards, just good, honest hard work. LIKE THE REST OF CIVILIZATION. Sometimes, I think she really does think she's a princess. Good thing I took away all of her princess dress up clothes. 

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

I *heart* MSG

I can only think of 4 good reasons to catch a cold. BUT- they're very good reasons.


  1. The Notebook
  2. noodle soup
  3. top ramen
  4. cup noodles (but we just call them "cup o' noodles" round these parts)
What can I say? I love MSG, sodium, and ingredients I can't pronounce. Oh my god, those are best tasting ones.  The bag for the Top Ramen says "to lower sodium, use less seasoning."   Are they insane?? The sodium is the best part!! At 910mg you don't really have much to spare. I mean, the recommended daily amount of sodium is 1500mg. You have to get it from somewhere! Sometimes I think I should just use 2 bags of seasonings. Then I don't have to worry about my sodium intake for the rest of the day. 

Now cup (o') noodles on the other hand.... They've made it a little bit easier. They generously provided 1060mg of sodium. But in my mind, they put 3,000mg of DELICIOUS in it. I just finished my noodle lunch and already I can feel my heart rate start to pick up. My breathing has becoming more labored. My body just isn't used to this much awesome. Which is crazy, considering the amount of awesome I put out of my body every day. Sometimes when I spit after brushing my teeth... I feel like it's a giant waste of awesome.

 That's how spitting in mean people's faces got started. Did you know that? Yeah I guess some guy was being super douchey to this lady. She was pretty awesome, so she thought to herself "self, your hands are tied behind your back and there is no way to transfer your awesome to this douche bag. He's too far away from my tears, I don't have to sneeze... I've got it! I'll spit! He's close enough, and with the proper trajectory it should hit him near or in the eyes!"   And thus, a valiant act of awesome-giving was born. 

But back to the noodles. Man I'm thirsty. Hold on a second... I need a glass of water. 

Ok I'm back. Wow. That walk to the sink really wiped me out. I'm having a hard time catching my breath. Wooooooooo. I know it isn't all those ingredients that I can't pronounce. They're big words. I trust big words. sodium tripolyphosphate. I would take a bullet for that ingredient. It sounds muy importante. Disodium inosinate. Another very important and delicious sounding ingredient. I can trust ingredients that sound like that. Why has my heart rate gone up?  

I need to go lay down for a minute. I think I have awesome overload. Not looking forward to the crash afterward. 

Monday, October 24, 2011

Day 9e9gdnkdo9u853

I delibarated a lot on what I would say to you today. I wanted to talk about my mammogram. I wanted to talk about the occupy wall street movement. I wanted to talk to you about my 30 day challenge. I wanted to share with you the awesome things that happened over the weekend. I couldn't pick one. So I will do a Haiku for all the things I wanted to talk about with you.


Mammogram
My boobs, they were touched
I shall now cross my fingers
and fight against fate

30 Day Challenge
The food and the sweat
are not seeing eye to eye
this is a new week

Occupy Wall Street
A revolution
it is here and it is now
make those bastards pay

Harvest Festival
two dollar beer, yum
bluegrass, family, and friends
the weather was hot.

My House
laundry and dishes
the kitchen, the laundry room..
there I'll occupy.


No seriously my house even stinks. I was gone ALL weekend and drunk the better part of yesterday so yeah.... my house.... shambles. gotta get to it. I'll probably write more later.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Day 3

In case you haven't noticed, I've been trying to blog with some normality and also trying to update you guys on my 30 day challenge. Somedays I do them separately and some days I'll tie them together. Like this day. My speech is slurred, and so is this blog.

Breakfast: sucked. I had like, 2 bites of eggs and coffee.

Dentist appointment. Christ, that SUCKED. I was all "oh this will be easy, just getting fitted for a crown". No such luck. That sonofabitch tooth hurt like a sonofabitch. WOW. I almost passed out from the numbing shot. Which afterward the DDS informed me had epinephrin. IS that a word? It makes your heart pump faster. Also, it makes your hands shake and makes you dizzy and lightheaded and ready to pass the f%^&* out. Which I almost  did.

After said  appointment I came home, sat on the couch and watched a movie. I refrained from pain medication due to the pick up times and driving distance of my children. THROBBING THROBBING THROBBING. Sounds sexy until you say the word "tooth". Then you go "sckshhhh!!" on an inhale. (Go ahead, do it out loud. You probably already did)

OK so. I had a MetRX with peanut butter and banana. (they don't pay me, I'm not an affiliate. My husband used to be a body builder and he swears by this stuff)  So there was a half of day's worth of calories. I couldn't chew. I couldn't open my mouth. I STILL can't open my mouth very wide. (poor Mr. C.E.O.) So that was snack and lunch and snack.

I drank water. Well, I washed down a painkiller when my last kid came home.. with water.

So around 3:30 I got hungry and I decided I needed soup. But what would I put in it? I opened my fridge. MUAHAHAHAHA! I had LOTS of things.


"garbage soup" (so my Facebook followers tell me it's named)
diced carrots
diced celery
diced fennel
diced onions
fresh minced garlic
fresh thyme
tumeric
black truffle salt
~saute├ęd, or sweated, or whatever~

add:
water
chicken bullion (It's a liquid/gel thingy. I got it from the health food store so it doesn't have msg, or other ridiculous ingredients that are impossible to pronounce)
Kale
lentils
sprouted bean trio
barley
cauliflower

I cooked it for like, an hour. scooped out my portion, then added home made dumplings for the kids. so freakin' good.

But then- I had a moment of weakness. it was wine. And I drank a bunch.
I did not work out today. Today was not a total fail though. I didn't eat junk food. I drank water. I put fuel in my body. I juiced my extra fruit in the fridge.
-strawberries, apple, mango, pineapple, cantaloupe, kale, spinach and tangerines. yes, it has a lot of sugar. Yes I'm getting the fruit portion of my diet in.

I didn't work out. No. I wanted to. but I didn't. BUT- for this 30 day challenge I have given myself 3 leeway days. this is the first. (awesome, day number 3. I totally pulled a Little white lion )

so STFU. I'm trying. I'm making changes. and you  know what? i put on my jeans today.... they slipped right on. They were not loose by any means... but I didn't have to do any special breathing exercises to get them on. I'm not saying I look fabulous... but I looked fabulous. Just getting started, getting into a routine... sort of. I'm not perfect. I'm trying. Ridicule me if you must. It will only make me try harder.

*I've had 3 glasses of wine which is equal to .... like 800 calories or something.  I'm totally buzzed. so if this stupid post isn't edited perfectly.... now you know why.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Day 2

I was SORE today. SORE!!! From putting in the bare minimum effort to make me sweat on the easiest level with easiest effort. SORE!!! SORE!!! It's embarrassing. 

Breakfast: same as yesterday
Snack: banana
Lunch: same as yesterday
Snack: slice of pumpkin bread. <I know, I know>
Dinner: spinach salad with hamburger patties.

Hamburger patties:
organic ground beef
chicken sausage
roasted red peppers
onions
fresh garlic
whorechester sauce (yes, i call it WHOREchester sauce. get over it)
gorgonzola cheese

mix ingredients, slap on the grill. 
top with pesto mayo. yummmm.

Despite being sore I DID work out. I'm glad I did. I couldn't face you guys if i didn't. 

Day 2: COMPLETE. (complete with a glass of wine that is. heee heee)

Open Letters

Dear Good Intentioned Stranger,
Yes I've had this dark spot looked at. It's benign. Thanks for caring.
xoxo
L.


Dear Kindergarten Teacher,
Despite my first impression of you, I actually like you a lot. I want to share a bottle of wine with you and talk shit about the kids. I think you secretly want to do the same with me.
xoxo
L.

Dear Hippie Parents at my kids school,
Your kids* are the worst behaved.
xoxo
L.
* I clearly said "at my  kids school" so settle down before you get defensive.

Dear Cashier at the Grocery Store,
If I want to buy my kids donuts I can, regardless of what they ate previously.
xoxo
L.
P.S. Passive aggressive is SO unattractive.

Dear Parents in the Drop off zone at school,
DROP OFF ZONE is not some secret code for "PARK HERE UNTIL YOUR KID SHOWS UP". Move along. 
~L.

Dear Neighbor,
Your fan that blows the smoke out of your room blows it directly into my kitchen. If you find a rock wedged in it, it wasn't me.
xoxo
L.


Dear Spawn,
The reason why you "always have to clean up messes" is because you "always make messes". start putting your things away and you won't have to "clean" anymore.
xoxo
Mom

Dear Mr. C.E.O.
You are my favorite person on the planet. Thank you for always making me laugh. I want to share with the world that you took my car on monday and filled it with gas for me, despite having to come home and retrieve your wallet after a long day of work.
xoxo and then some
L.

Dear Hometown Friends,
I wish you guys would visit me instead of me always having to drive 8 hours to see you. All except ONE of you and you know who you are.
Besos.
L.

Dear Christmas,
Wait your turn.
xoxo
L.

Dear Dermatologist,
Thank you for the awesome prescription. My skin looks AMAZING.
L.

Dear Insurance,
Thanks for covering my prescriptions.
xoxo
L.

Dear Life,
Thank you for being crazy, unpredictable, frustrating, amazing, and beautiful.
But we seriously need to talk about cancer. Not cool, life... not cool.
xoxo
L.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Day 1

Lunch
workout: walk 3 miles, Jillian Michaels workout
Breakfast: 2 scrambled eggs, 2 chicken sausages
Snack: apple
Lunch: string cheese, carrot, hummus, sugar snap peas, sweet
bell pepper, sprouted wheat berry toast with almond butter and banana.  yes, that's a cookie. baby steps.
Snack: a couple of tortilla chips with hummus
Dinner: tomato soup, grilled cheese (franchese and fontina), salad and steak.

No wine.
100 oz. of water.

so far so good.


I don't know if you guys follow her on Facebook, but The Brazen Apron just started the paleo diet and she's HILARIOUS to follow on her journey. Amongst her other funny shenanigans.

see you tomorrow.

actual IM conversation I had today:

me: go get acupuncture
her: I would, but I'm afraid of needles
me: you're weaker than a sack of balls
her: you're right about that
me: start acting like a vagina. They can take a pounding and in the end, they only look mildly amused.
her: Oh.My.God.

True story.

30 day challenge.

video

Saturday, October 15, 2011

31 years

October 15th is my birthday. I turned 32. So to recap my 31st year I'm going to put some things in bullet points because they make writing soooooo much easier. Stuff I learned, figured out or witnessed.

  • Friends come and go. end of story. 
  • Don't say "I'm fine" if you don't mean it. 
  • Treat your kids like they're awesome. The opposite yields opposite results.
  • Marry your best friend. Remember they are your best friend. 
  • Fight for your children. No one else will. 
  • People have to earn your respect and love. 
  • Don't waste your time with people you don't like. 
  • Don't eat food you don't like. 
  • Exercise for your mind and soul, not your body.
  • Anything is possible.
  • You don't have to succeed at everything you try. And that's OK.
  • Laughter always makes you feel good and never gives you a hangover.
  • Wash the dishes before you go to bed. 
  • Don't keep tabs on favors. 
  • Take a day (or two)... forget the laundry, dishes, and dinner. Play with your children in their world. 
  • Love where you live. 
  • Floss your teeth.
  • Take time to spend with your girlfriends.
  • Love really does overcome everything. Including a broken face. 
Of all the things that I've come to better understand... Love and Laughter top the list. Be open to love. Be open to the joy and pain of love. Accept laughter. Laugh often. Make others laugh. Find the the beauty and/or humor in everything. 

The other day, I realized what the meaning of life is. No, it's not 42. It's different for every single person. For me, I want to laugh. I look for funny things,  I surround myself with funny people, I watch funny movies, I read funny books... I want to laugh. I want to laugh honestly. I want to smile and feel happy. I have a funny husband and together we have a comedic life. I love it. I love him, I love our funny/insane children. I love my funny brother, who by the way, is TEN TIMES funnier than me. 
To have a light, happy heart, to me, is the meaning of my life. I'm not an entrepreneur. I'm not a numbers person. I'm not a leader. I live my own life and put in it the things that make me happy. Because I can. Because it's my life. 
When I find that I am unhappy, it is because I have put unrealistic expectations on my life or compared myself to people I don't know. If my heart is happy, than I am happy, and my life is happy. 

Happy Birthday to me. To another year of awakening, understanding, laughter, love, friendship, forgiveness, pain, humility, contentment, aspirations and enlightenment. 

Thank you life for being a journey. A journey I am glad I have an interest in. 


This blog post was made possible by pinot noir, champagne, and viewers like you. 

Friday, October 14, 2011

Waiting room fun.

I went to get acupuncture today. I did something to my back and blah blah blah. So I'm in the waiting room and I have to fill out paperwork. The guy next to me was filling out paperwork. I kept looking over at his paper, then mine. Then his, then mine. He shifted in his seat a little bit. Obviously uncomfortable that I was looking over at his paper. Then I whispered to him "Hey... what you'd get for number three?"
It took him a few minutes to get it. But then he chuckled. Cool, he was cool.

The guy to my right noticed I was chatty. He said "so what are you in for?" A bit of an odd question. Oh well, I replied with "Schizophrenia."
He looked SHOCKED and sorry that he asked. He squirmed and stuttered an apology.
Then I said "Don't listen to her, she's here for depression."
Then of course the whole room sort of let out a collective sigh. Ice broken.

I was the last one left in the room. I saw the chairs were in a pattern. like so:
Notice anything? Yes they're fruit loops. STAY FOCUSED!
Look closely.  A pattern maybe? Yes. There is a pattern. 
These were the same colors as the chairs by the way. I wrote it down. Purple, blue, green, etc. etc. 




Now, because I'm insane, I rearranged them. 




I would not have been able to sleep tonight if I left them the other way. I don't have OCD. I swear. It just didn't feel right. Now, it does!
So that's my story of how I'm obnoxious in the waiting room. 





Wednesday, October 12, 2011

I pay attention, and you should too

I pay attention to politics, believe it or not. I've been watching the GOP debates, I listen to BBC, I feel passionately about topics. I really do. I'm not all up in it's face, but I'm not in the dark either.  I am also married to someone who is completely crazy about politics. OK, crazy is a terrible word to use. He's "passionate" like, burning man/L.A. fires passionate. My passion is about the size of a campfire stove. You don't see it, but it's hot, it's not big, but you can still cook on it. What was I talking about? S'mores? I love s'mores. Put peanut butter on the graham cracker before you start.... so good. Where was I? Oh camping. I love camping too. No wait, I wasn't talking about camping....

Oh that's right,  I pay attention. That's what I was saying. (you would be forced to believe otherwise at this point though) Now while I try not to (and most often succeed) discuss politics on here, I'm going to today.

People listen, if you are going to take sides on a political party- awesome. You should. Find one that suits you. Do some research. Don't pick a political party based on what your parents where affiliated with, or your ex-husband, or your best friends. If you don't know where you stand don't vote. (It's hard typing that, by the way) Educate yourself on the topics that are important to you. Don't just research the pros, look into the cons as well. Do some reading. Just don't read the news. For the love of wine DON'T WATCH THE NEWS.

Fun Fact:  American news outlets are categorized as "entertainment". The only news source that is categorized as "news" is The BBC. The BBC is the largest news company on the planet. Just throwing that out there.

"I'm outraged!"
If you feel passionately about the earth, about government, about your city, about jobs, about taxes... etc. Then DO SOMETHING. If you are angry, if you are happy, if you agree, if you disagree, SAY SOMETHING. I'm going to make it easy for you. I've included  the  links for finding your local congressman and contacting the President. Easy right? So easy. I'm sure finding your mayor is not that difficult either.

While protesting does get attention, they are not speaking with one voice. Make your own voice heard. Tell a friend to write a letter! Or email, as it were.

contact the president and/or white house
contact your local congressman
contact your governor
contact elected officials


A silent voice can not be heard.

*getting off soapbox now*

Where's my tent? I was to go camping now.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Eavesdropping

While out to breakfast with my girlfriend on Sunday I caught the most awesome eavesdropping nugget I have ever heard.

We're sitting at our table, and a 3-top is seated next to us. They were all inquiring about the location of the bathroom. Each one came back with some story to tell of their experience. Which, come on, is there anything else you would want to hear with your morning cup of Joe and pancake balls? I didn't think so. Then we heard it. My girlfriend and I looked at each other barely able to contain our laughter. It was this:

Random Lady on her experience: "Once I uncrossed my legs I knew I was in trouble"

You and me both, Lady. You and me, both.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Motherhood: a falsity

This was a different time.
Get that through your head. 
*DISCLAIMER*
This is a soapbox blog post. I'm sorry that it is going to come off as finger wagging. It's just something that's been bothering me. 


We need to change our thinking about motherhood. I'm being serious. We are way too hard on ourselves. I've been doing some thinking lately, and I've been doing some observing, and I think we're going about this all wrong. Many mothers feel like they are terrible mothers. They're not as good as so-and-so. Their kids are not as nicely groomed as so-and-so's kids. We are always comparing ourselves to other moms that we think are better than us. Which is weird. Why would we compare ourselves to people we don't know? We're all different. We all have different parenting styles. We all have different lives.

I volunteer in my kids classes every week. At first I thought it was this obnoxious chore that I had to do. Now I really, REALLY enjoy it. I love seeing the kids that don't match. Or seeing a little girl who is wearing an outfit that you KNOW she fought for. Her favorite dress that she wants to wear EVERY day even though it's ripped, has holes, and doesn't fit properly. Mom gave in. That's cool.  I love seeing the little girls whose hair hasn't been brushed. I love seeing a ponytail that was thrown up haphazardly. I love seeing what they have in their lunch boxes. I've seen Lunchables in lunch bags. I've seen bags of chips, I've seen lunches with no fruit. I love seeing all these things because there is no such thing as a perfect mom. There isn't.

Even if you were able to glimpse into the life of someone you thought was a perfect mom, your assessment would be wrong. It would be wrong because you can't discover that much in just a glimpse. People have good days, and they have bad days.

We're all in this together. 
Another myth: Judgey moms. You can't know that someone is judging you. You're at the grocery store and another mom says something to you in passing. You're thinking she's judging you. Maybe she's just trying to reach out to another mom because she's been cooped up with kids all damn day too. Yes people say stupid shit. That's a fact. But judging you? How the hell would you know that?

Myth: Pearl Clutchers. Where did this come from? Who are these "so called" pearl clutchers? Women who are dressed nice? Look, I already told you, you have no way of knowing if people are judging you. Who cares how they look! So now you're judging someone you think is judging you? Yeah that makes sense.

Myth: Domestic Enemies. They are not. They are just people that don't know any better. People asking you about adoption in front of your kid. I've made this mistake, unbeknownst to me. I was just curious because my husband and I looked into adoption for a very long time. I had questions. Sorry that asking you about how you acquired your daughter was a no-no. If you're not in someone's shoes than there are things that are not obvious to you. That's life.

Generally speaking I don't think people ever try to be mean on purpose. Or rude. We think we know people so we have expectations. You don't know people, you don't know what's going on in their life, you don't know. You wouldn't be on a jury and have to make a verdict without anyone pleading a case or providing evidence would you? So don't come up with a verdict on people you don't know.

If there is such thing as a perfect mom.
This would be it.




Thursday, October 6, 2011

I'm a jokester. Or an asshole.

I can never decide which it is. Either way, I'm having fun. Today I had my annual woman exam. A day I look forward to all year. I look forward to it as much as Halloween. Today I showed up to my appt wearing these:

My doctor said "nice socks"
I said "Well you know, presentation is everything"
It also gets pretty chilly in those stirrups. 

Next time I go I want to throw on some glitter down there. That doctor will have glitter on her for the WHOLE DAY. It'll be on the floor. They'll be tracking it through the office. Patients will come in thinking "Did they have a party in here? Is it someone's birthday?"

Or maybe I'll put some red lipstick on down there. When the doctor looks puzzled I'll just say "Look, I don't expect YOU to understand my forward thinking when it comes to fashion and style. Vagazzle? SOOOOOO last year. I'm a classy lady. I prefer my lips have Loreal's "Seduction" red lipstick, not cheap rhinestones"

Maybe I'll get some fantastic henna tattoo on the insides of my thighs. Like, a picture of a hand reaching up my thigh. Then say "Hurry up doc he's going to beat you!"

Or I'll just put a biohazard sticker on my hoo-hah. The doctor will have to take it off and then I can say "OK, but you were warned"


How about a new year's popper. When the doc ducks under the drape, release the popper. (I sound like Liam Neeson in "Clash of the Titans". RELEASE THE KRACKEN POPPER!) Tell the doctor that he's your vagina's 1 millionth customer and would he like to claim his prize?

I know I did a blog post similar to this before. But honestly I'm too lazy to go back and search for it. It was something about how gynos should also include waxing in their list of services they provide and how awesome that insurance would cover it. 

Anyway. It's all over now, and I'll have to wait until next year for my next gynecological exam costume. 

I wonder if my doctor gets irritated that at the end of the exam I say "Are you going to call me?"

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Once again I woke up curled in the bottom of my empty pool

Denise Rose
 Once again I woke up curled up in the bottom of my empty pool, but at least this time I still had my clothes on.


I saw many faces looking down at me. I heard "ma'am? Ma'am can you hear me?"
It was a paramedic.
"Ma'am, don't you think you're too old to be skateboarding?"
"I do now"
They put a neck brace on my neck and strapped me to a board. Next thing I knew we
were speeding down the street. I could hear the sirens, and I could feel the oxygen tubes in my nose.

Long story short I was fine. Nothing broken except my ego. Mild concussion but that was as serious as it got. Well if you consider amnesia as "not serious" than yeah it was no big deal. I mean, I don't remember who I am. Apparently I'm a mom and have 4 kids and some sloppy husband and I live in a pig stye. I think I've seen this in a movie before. Except there are photos of me all over the house. Horrible photos! Man what is with the blonde hair?

Well, if this is the new life I've been given fine, but I'm going to make a few changes around here. First of the blonde HAS.GOT.TO.GO. Can you say "fried" ends? yuck. A new haircut is definitely in order. and clothes. My God, these clothes are atrocious. How many pairs of yoga pants does one woman need? And when was the last time she bought herself a pair of panties??? This is ridiculous.

So after a few weeks, some new threads, newly acquired credit card debt I was feeling pretty good about my new self. Then this strange thing happened. I started to get little glimpses, little memories from my former self. Every night I would have these really vivid dreams and it felt so familiar. Like deja-vu. Only in reverse. Then one morning I woke up
and I was my old self again! I remembered who I was! I was a mom! A mom to four
awesome boys and a man that I adored! I was so excited I jumped out of bed to share the good news. I caught a glimpse of my reflection.



And promptly fainted.

















Saturday, October 1, 2011

She never should have left before checking for a pulse.

First sentence provided by: Michelle Jennings Johnston

She never should have left before checking for a pulse; what the hell had she been thinking?


HE did this. She was sure of it.  It looked like a robbery. A very messy robbery. The trash had been knocked over, the drawers opened,  papers thrown about. The smell... that was the worst part. The overwhelming stench. It reeked of death and decay. She noticed the 6 day old chicken carcass she had thrown away only yesterday on the floor. Something happened here. Something awful. Something suspicious. Something smelly.

She thought the opossum was dead when she left this morning. She even poked him with a stick. She was sure of it! Now, now look what he did! He destroyed her kitchen! Blast that doggy door! She didn't even have a dog. She had a cat. Where was the cat?! How could the cat allow this to happen?

Who should she call? The police? Animal control? Pest control? Where was this little beast anyway? Was he still in the house? Oh my God. What if he was still in the house? The phone rang. She looked at the caller ID. The phone call was coming from in the house. She answered it with a shaky voice.
"Helll.....hello?"
"squeak. squeak. squeak"
She hung up. Her heart was racing and her breathing was heavy. The nearest exit was the front door, but she would have to pass the hall and the go through the living room if she wanted to escape.

She mustered up all all her courage and bolted for the door. She passed the hall where out of the corner of her eye she saw something stir. She kept running. Finally she made it to the front door but it was locked. Why did she deadbolt it?? Her shaking hands fumbled with the lock. She heard something behind her. She turned and pressed her back up against the door. There he was was. His beady eyes seem to penetrate through her soul. She yelled at it and threw her arms in the arm
"what do you want from me?!?!?!?!"
Then the creature fell over, feet in the air. She didn't check for a pulse. She got out of her house and called the police. She would see her house before she went back in there.
Shit. Her laptop was in there. How was she going to update her Facebook status about this without it?