Monday, September 19, 2011

First time parents VS. Veteran parents

First time parents are soooo different from 2, 3 and 4th time parents. Remember when you had your first baby? Remember how paranoid and worried you were? Everything had to be just so. Then baby number two comes and you don't even rinse off the pacifier anymore. 
So let's look at visitation. First timers Vs. Veterans. 

First Timers:

visiting baby-
 We want quiet time initially for bonding and recovery. Please don't call our phones, no knocking on the door and leave your congratulatory fog horn at home.

We have invested thousands of dollars on this baby so we will be charging a $15 a head admission to see him. We want a beautiful, healthy return on investment.

The first few days though we will not be having any visitors. Then, the people who bring cash gifts will be allowed visitation first. Then homemade gift givers next, and finally card givers will be last.

Additionally, for the first few weeks, no kids under 10 years old. Pertussis has been going around in schools, and we are working our way into flu season. Please bring your immunization card so that we can make sure you are caught up on all vaccines.

We will be enforcing that people wash their hands very well and remove their shoes, we will provide you with breathing masks.

Please do not speak to the baby unless the baby has spoken to you first. When you do speak, please keep it at a low decibel.

If you are sick or have gotten over being sick within a week, please don't come. Seriously, one cough, sniff or sneeze and you'll be out so fast your snotty head will spin. 

We are asking that no eye contact be made with the baby. Please do not show your  teeth as this is a sign of aggression and we don't want to stress the baby. 

We love you all.

Veteran Parent:

Hey everyone, the baby is due any day. We're planning a barbecue at our house.
Please bring your own beer. We'll provide the meat. If you're vegetarian let us know.

We don't really need anything for the baby, but dad really wants a new video game. Best Buy gift cards would be awesome.

We do need diapers though. size newborn and size 5 for our 2 year old.

When my water breaks I'll send out a mass text. Delivery room viewing will be on a first come, first serve basis. Up to 8 people.

I'll be pretty busy making potato salad so make sure you guys can hold the baby for me. I'll pump some extra bottles so you can do feeding duty.

I'm pretty sure I have hand sanitizer but whatever. You're clean right?

If you're sick, don't cough on the baby. Cough into your shirt or something.

Pets welcome. 

We just bought a new DVD for the kids to watch so they'll be occupied. 

Can't wait to see all of you.


  1. This is true but I just had my 4th baby she came 8 weeks early and is in the nicu and thankfully will be coming home soon. Because of this I feel like a 1st timer and have thought about sending a message to everyone like what you wrote about 1st timers lol.

  2. I own a daycare and this is so true. First timers are paranoid about everything
    Boy I could tell you some stories about first timers.
    Veteran parents just want to know if they ate and had a fun day.

  3. I like the initial innocence of the first time mom and her duty to guard and protect. One of the major things that I do, that was left out, would be to faithfully record every "first" in the baby book. Does anyone else do that? And I recently read, "Honey, I Lost the Baby in the Produce Aisle" and I found enough information, from injury statistics to outrageous recommendations, to cause an anxiety attack. So other first time moms, skip this book. I guess when you have your second baby, you learn that it's virtually impossible to break them and rid yourself of irrational fear. I wouldn't know that yet. I'm still shielding her from "danger."

  4. I love this. I think for my next one I'll send out a mass text that says, "Baby's here. Bring booze."

  5. before i had kids i always thought people were bad parents then i had two and felt like I should say i was sorry to all the people i judged

  6. When my 3rd child was about 10 months old and crawling around my living room, I remember actually saying out loud "what did he just put in his mouth? Eh, its probably food" and i went back to whatever i'd been doing. :) Hey! It probably was!!!

  7. Just read this. I tinkled a little. Loved it ;)