Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Monogamy and Hair

I think that finding the right hair stylist is like finding a mate. Your always searching until you find, THE ONE. The one you want to be with forever. The one that makes you feel better after a bad day. The one that will massage your scalp when you say "I have a headache", the one you can talk, really talk to. When you find the one, you want to exchange vows till death do you part.

I had quite a few one night stands looking for the right hairstylist. I'd find them in cheap strip malls. Or even high end salons. They always left me feeling unsatisfied.  It was the same thing all the time. You go in, they do their business, they ask you to call in 6 weeks, you say you will but you never do. You NEVER do.

Often I found myself trimming my own hair. Maybe a quick bang trim. Or doing my own color. I'm not ashamed to admit it. Everyone does it anyway.

It was 5 years ago that I found my ONE. I called the award winning salon in my town. Asked who was the best with color and who's book was always full. I wanted to know who had the longest wait, because THAT was line I wanted to be in.  And so I waited. Luckily 3 days later there was an opening.  I yelled HELL YEAH and I took the earlier appointment. My girl did NOT disappoint. She was incredible. Her speeding fingers threading her poking thing through strands of hair. Foil flying, bleach brush brushing. She was very quiet and just did her job. 2 hours later I was full blown BLONDE. I had walked in with copper hair and came out a bright, beautiful blonde. I was finally satisfied! If I smoked I would have then and there.  She wanted me to call her in 6 weeks. I did one better, I called her in 3. I get a cut at the 3 week mark, color at the next 3 week mark (where she does a freebie trim), then next 3 weeks cut, etc. etc.

She moved around from salon to salon. I followed her to every one. My love knew no distance. Luckily she never went very far. My last visit to her was March 15. The day I left my home to move to another. I told her we could still see each other. Like holidays and long weekends. She expressed to me that if I found someone else, she would be OK with that. She just wanted me to be happy.

In all my travels I never strayed. She had given me a cut to last the months of grown out I would experience. 5 months and my hair was still great. In need of a trim... but it was still a great cut with many options.

It was in October that I started to realize that my hair had needs. I couldn't satisfy these needs myself. It was too big of a job.  I did the unthinkable. I went to a walk-in salon and got a hair cut.
I cried all the way home. I shampooed three times. I'm not proud of what I did. Was it worth it? No.
Just today I called my girl and told her I would be in town soon and could we get together.

The problem with cheating on your stylist is that they KNOW. You can not hide it from them. It's like an STD and they're the only ones with a cure. So you walk in with Herpes Hair and THEY have to clean it all up.  She's going to see my herpes hair and know. I'll have to confess and tell her i'm sorry. I'll tell her I was lonely, that I had needs and that we were too far apart. She'll say it's OK and she'll be glad I came to her.

So I'm going to see her and let her know I'm in it for the long haul, long distance be damned. She's the only stylist I want to be monogynous with.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

The Juice Fast

You know those people that read an article and then they believe it 100% without cross checking it? Or people that watch a documentary and decide they're going to change their life based on those 125 minutes they just saw? WE ARE THOSE PEOPLE. 

The first documentary was "Fat, sick and nearly dead". A great film. In a one word description: the guy goes on a juice fast, loses weight and regains his health. Mr. CEO called me up from out of town and said "I want to do this. Make it happen when I get home".  Now he wasn't going to be home for about a week. So I decided to start it early without him. I heard you can get pretty crabby while doing it, so to avoid divorce I went ahead and started the next day.  Starving yourself and drinking juice only is as fun as it sounds. By day two I was ready to throw in the towel. Day 3 I said "I need food not juice" but it was already too late. My body had somewhat adjusted and would not cooperate with food. I decided I would juice for breakfast and lunch while eating a sensible dinner. That worked! 

Mr. CEO came home and was ready to do this. So we did it. His will power is about a THOUSAND times stronger than mine. So he went a full NINE days. Juice only  3-4 times a day.  I was still doing it but eating actual food for dinner. Mostly salads and sauteed vegetables. I have a thing about wanting to eat my vegetables raw. 

The juice fast is not for everyone. It takes a huge amount of will power. Something I don't have much of but having a partner REALLY helped. Someone else that was relying on me to make the juice. After a few days we were able to work as a team. One person prepped the fruit, the other juiced it, the other cleaned the machine (by far the WORST part about juicing. You have to do it IMMEDIATELY afterward) 

Were there results? You betcha! Clear skin, waking up clear headed, loose clothing.... Totally worth it. It's nice to fall asleep when you close your eyes and then wake up before your alarm bright eyed and bushy tailed. 

This fast is not sustainable though. You can't stay on it for an extended period of time (despite what the guy says in the movie) but it did give us a great head start to our next phase which I will document later. I suggest a 3 day juice "cleanse" to anyone willing to try it. It's a great way to clean out your system, decrease your dependence and cravings for unhealthy food and to feel great. Want to start a new diet? Do a 3 day juice fast. It will make the diet feel like cheating. 

Mr. CEO and I call it a "reboot".  Which I think everyone can use from time to time. Not just our computers. 

Monday, August 27, 2012

Back to school schedule.

I wrote this last year, but this time around I'm modifying it a bit. I feel that most of it still applies. Although now both of my kids will be in school for the same amount of time. (YES!)
I've adjusted the schedule accordingly.  

6:00 I wake up
6:05 wake up again
6:10 insert coffee IV drip
6:20 make lunches
6:30 wake up kids and get them dressed
7:00 family breakfast and clean up
7:40 attempt to leave house
7:41 go back in house to find lost shoe
7:45 attempt to leave house
7:48 realize daughters hair is not combed. run inside for hair clip.
7:50 leave house.
8:00 school starts
8:05 we arrive at school
8:10-2:10 MY TIME ALONE. What will I do with  myself?? consider opening        bottle of champagne to celebrate. decide against.
2:15 pick up kids
2:25- 3:15  homework and snack time
3:15 change out of school clothes
3:30- 5:00 play time outside (them)
4:30 start making dinner (me) consider opening bottle of wine, decide against
5:00 kids come in asking if dinner is ready.
5:01 consider opening bottle of wine, decide against
5:30 eat dinner and clean
6:30 kids get clothes, shoes, and bags ready for next day
6:35 consider opening bottle of wine, decide yes.
6:45 good mood kicks in
7:00 kids bath time
7:30 kids bed time
7:30 Pour more wine. enjoy some TV of my choosing
8pm daddy comes home and microwaves his dinner
9pm I go to bed.
9:05 daddy sits alone in living room wondering wtf happened to everybody.

Monday, July 23, 2012

House Hunting

I'm house hunting. So here's an email I sent to one of the landlords. Hi So and So. My husband sent an email yesterday but I wanted to send one of my own. I am VERY interested in this house. If this house was a person I would want to get serious with it. Take it to the next level; moving in together. I think I'm ready for that kind of commitment. Im willing to be monogamous with the house and forsake all hotels that may come my way in the future.  I know I don't know the house very well but I think we were meant to be together. I know it will be experiencing a void soon and I think I'm just the person to fill that void. Mostly with furniture (Ikea), laughter (too much wine) and love (making?).  I know it will get my sense of humor and I think we could make each other very happy. I know an excellent house cleaning service and I would love the house and always take care of it and protect it from harm. Just as it would protect our family from harm such as rain, hail and possible zombie apocalypse. I understand the cost involved, to the tune of $XXXX. I am more than willing and happy to pay. It would be an honor. We will gladly submit credit reports, pay stubs, DNA samples, 1st born son, a shrubbery and whatever else you may feel you'll need. I can be reached at (XXX)XXX-XXXX. Kindest regards, Lisa S P.S. I hope you found this email entertaining and in no way creepy. P.P.S. unless you like creepy. P.P.P.S. I'm not creepy. P.P.P.P.S. Now this is getting creepy.

Thursday, June 14, 2012


I love mexican food. REAL mexican food. Being part Mexican I cook it at home, I request it when I visit my mother, I make tortillas from scratch.... Me gusta authentic Mexican food. Who doesn't? Well apparently Texans. (no offense to Texans. Don't get made at me. but this is truth)

Why would anyone make TexMex when they have regular Mex? ESPECIALLY when they're so close to the border? I can understand Wisconsin or Maine coming up with their  own version of Mexican. But TEXAS??  Come on! You can smell the carne asada from your doorstep!

I recently had the misfortune of picking out a restaurant. I said, 'when in Rome'! So I picked a true blue Texas 'TexMex" eatery. WHAT.THE.HELL? I'll spare you the details and guide you to  my review on yelp if you're interested.

People, let me tell you something. Less is more for a REASON. The beauty in mexican food is it's simplicity. The Mexicans are not a wealthy group. Eating off the land, using all the meat from an animal, using the same 10 ingredients to make 75 different dishes... it's like, survival food, it's beautiful and it relays years and years and years of culture. Recipes passed down from generation to generation. Not meant for the bastardization of a burrito becoming a chimichanga.

Texas- shame on you. Ya'll are like a painted up trollop posing as a mexican. A wolf in sheeps clothing. A flat chested girl in a push up bra.  Ya'll are the spanx of "mexican" food. I don't know what you're doing, I don't know why you're doing it. All I know is that it is an abomination. A travesty on authentic cooking. Stick to what ya'll are good at, BBQ.  Keep your brisket, ribs, pork, chicken and sauce. Let's face it, you guys cook meat. and you cook it well. Everything is bigger in The Republic of Texas. Meat included! Big hair, BIG trucks, big MEAT. Work with that angle.

If ya'll are going to have Mexican food then have real Mexicans making your menus and cooking in the kitchen. You know what? We SHOULD let the mexicans cross the border, but in order to do that they have to spend a year cooking mexican food in restaurants. Then they have to train a successor. Then they can't send money back to Mexico. And they can't have more than 3 babies. And they have to learn the language. Then they have to serve in the military for  a year while we imperialize Mexico.

Why can't they have taco cartels instead of drug cartels? THAT'S where the money is at. More people eat food than do drugs. All those tunnels they dig, sending over delicious carnitas. Black market guacamole. Red label salsa.  JalapeƱos by the kilo! Bricks of Cilantro! Refried beans hidden in gas tanks. All fueled by tequila! Sure the workers will be a little slower, a little heavier; after all, you have to realize they'll be dipping into the stash. But it will get there!  As payment they'll receive cash and Lipitor

Where was I going with this? SQUIRREL!

Wednesday, June 13, 2012


Sometimes I look back on the time I had two toddlers. I shudder. I even look back and remember having a baby in a bjorn and a very small 2 year old in a stroller. I did that every day. Grocery store, park, Ikea, Target. Looking back now I don't know how I did it. I don't know if I could do it now. If someone said "I'll trade you my adorable 3 month old and 2year old for a day and I'll take your 1st graders off your hands for the day" I'm not sure I could do it. I'd probably end up putting The Family Guy on and offering the baby some raw honey and dinosaur shaped chicken. The great thing about raising kids is that they also raise you. Everyone is unprepared but little by little, day by day you get through it, you learn from it and get into the groove. Until a tooth comes in. Or someone poops in the toilet. That you're back to chaos and crying.... while the kids watch Dora and eat goldfish crackers.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

The book of travels. Or not. Whatever.

Hello Dear Readers,

Remember me? The Home C.E.O.? I used to write funny little stories? Yeah I'm still here. Funny? TBD.

So 3 months later I am still traveling. I was speaking with a friend of mine, Not So Silent Mommy, and she suggested I write a book about our trip. She even provided me with an example of a less funny version of a woman who takes her kids traveling for a year. While I would never in my right mind take my children on a year long tour of the world (never say never) I don't think I could use it as a "guide". There would be no helpful hints, or tricks. No simple solutions, no great ideas on how to pack lighter. Sadly the book would be a cautionary tale full of Xanax*, cocktails, and alligators. And possibly why never to mix the 3.  Maybe in a hilarious turn of events we would pick up some stranded hermit crabs and adopt them taking them along the way. Maybe the third part of the book would be from their perspective. Driving in a car, cruising on a ship, flying in a plane, almost drowning in bubble water, spending their evenings trying to climb up the slippery walls of the bathtub like a hamster in a wheel. (I have been told the enjoy exercise so I try not to feel sorry for them)

Or maybe I could write the book about hotels. Just because a hotel as the name "Wyndham" in it does not a classy hotel make. Just because you purchase a hotel room does not mean a CLEAN hotel room will be provided to you. Just because you purchase a hotel room does not mean YOU will leave it clean. (and why would you? YOU paid THEM, not the other way around)  If a hotel is cheap, there's a reason behind it.

Maybe I could write it based on all the items I've lost along the trip. Or all the dead animals we've seen. Or how many different beds I've slept in. (This sounds more like erotica to me though, we'll save that for the sequel. The sexy sequel) What about talking about the places I've visited in alphabetical order.  
Chapter 1- Alabama. Chapter 2- Austin. Chapter 3- Boston. Chapter 4 - Caicos. Chapter  5-
Colorado. Chapter 6- Delaware. etc. etc.

I've thought about chronological order... but it feels so played out. EVERYONE writes in chronological order. *yum, this sarcasm tastes delicious*      So then what else is there?  I could write the book around all the art we've purchased. Which sadly, I can barely remember. We buy art, then ship it home. I've forgotten what we've bought! Ok so that won't work. Besides, art is BO-RING to read about.

I've got it! The book can be a tragedy. Girl leaves home, girl travels, girls runs over frogs on road, girl sees deer get hit by car, girl loses favorite pair of shoes, girl starts period. Girls gets hangover. Hmmm, maybe that's too sad. Nobody wants to read a story where someone loses an awesome pair of heels.

What if I wrote it based on terrain in reverse alphabetical order? That could be interesting. Chapter 1- Swamps. Chapter 2- Sea. Chapter 3- Mountains. Chapter 4- Desert. That would be hard, there are too many subcategories.

There's alphabetical order by state, then alphabetical order by city. I could write about all the best public restrooms I've been to and rank them. Or maybe it could be a book based on facts.
FACT: subway is the largest chain in the country.
FACT: the Chuck E. Cheese in Tallahasee is a DUMP and they have a sign outside that says "no firearms or weapons allowed inside".
FACT: The continental divide is where the water flows to the west on one side, and to the east on the other.
FACT: I have created the ULTIMATE key lime colada.
FACT: my husband is hot.
FACT: you are not allowed to own a car in Texas, it must be a Truck.
 It can be the encyclopedia Brittanica. People will refer to it when traveling.

Or what about Myths?
MYTH: The stars are big and bright deep in the heart of Texas.
MYTH: the food at a restaurant shows up exactly as pictured in the menu.
MYTH: dry heat is better than humid heat. (FACT: they both suck equally)
 MYTH: Disneyland is the greatest place on earth (FACT: only if space mountain is open, which it never is)

How about based on observations?
Alligator tastes more like chicken than frog legs do. or between the frog legs for that matter.
Austin, Provincetown, Key West and Santa Cruz have so much in common.
The pedestrians are crazy in Boston.
The bible thumpiest places also have the most XXX stores and XXX live shows.
Dolphins are assholes.
Tropical storms and cyclones are not nearly as fun to drive through as they sound.
In a restaurant/cafe... sit against the wall, this will ensure the server won't spill anything on you.
Wrestling an alligator is harder than it looks, just ask Mr. CEO.
The inside of New Jersey really is beautiful.
New York really is crazy to drive around.

Although that would be less of  a "book" and more of a "list" which I'm pretty sure people don't enjoy reading. Well, except maybe Schindler.

On second thought, maybe writing a book is a bad idea. I have been keeping a journal though. I'm only a month and a half behind but I'm sure if I set my mind to it I could finish it no problem. Oh look! Something shiny!

*I do not take Xanax. I have never taken Xanax. It is purely a comical addition.  I wish I do/have and would gladly take one if offered.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Traveling and keeping my sanity

*I did not edit this post.

Well it's been awhile. Let me sum up:
We were moving Toronto. We got there, Mr. CEO's company was running smoothly without him, so we decided to go on vacation. We had shipped our car to Buffalo, NY so that's where we started our adventure.

So there it. We've been to upstate New York, Lake Place, all over Vermont (yes- i went to the Ben and Jerry's factory. Duh.), New Hamshire, Massachusetts, Connecticut, New York city, New Jersey, Delaware, Maryland and now we're in en route to Virginia Beach.

  • Laundry- last night I did 2 loads at the hotel. The first laundry since I left home... 2 weeks ago.  Tired of your washer and dryer? Go on an extended road trip and we'll see how much you miss you them. You'll be crawling back on your hands and needs begging them to take you back. 
  • Food- a smart/good/judgey mom would tell you to pack  your car with healthy snacks and plenty of water. Well I'm none of those things. So we stop and eat at restaurants. No cooking and no cleaning. HELL YEAH! 
  • Time Change- We moved ahead an hour for day light savings. Then we literally moved 3 hours ahead to the east coast. That takes a LONG time to adjust to. We wake up at 10am, eat breakfast at noon, dinner at 8 bed at 11. It's all sorts of crazy. I'm fighting with myself on this. On the one hand, fuck it we're on vacation. On the other hand... I like a good, healthy routine. 
  • Kids- The trip has been the best thing for my kids. NOT ONCE have they whined or cried. We stop A LOT. We do lots of activities and go to museums and what not. Since they're only in Kindergarten and 1st grade we're doing some car-schooling. They enjoy the one on one help and we enjoy helping them. Also, we make sure to get hotels with pools. They swim their little asses off at night and then crash in bed. 
  • Excerice- hasn't happened  yet
  • Weight gain- plenty
  • Marriage- this can go two ways. You can become closer and work on your friendship or you can get so tired of each other that you consider flying to Vegas for a weekend just to get away from it all. Luckily Mr. CEO and I are best friends so we're having a great time. 
  • Culture- One of my favorite things about our travels is learning about other states and their cultures. We like to eat at local eateries to get a good feel for locals. Everyone on the East Coast is so incredibly nice. Everyone! I haven't come across one asshole yet. You know what they say about California people? That we were stuck up and superficial. And you know what? I kind of agree. (I said I KIND OF agree. Not 100% agree, but there IS some truth to it so shut up) I can see how we would come off that way. 
In summary.... I've seen beautiful places, I've seen dumpy place. I've eaten delicious food, I've eaten not so delicious food. I've met some nice people, and met even nicer people. I've learned that stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason (*cough* New Jersey *cough*). I've learned that my whole world is contained in 5ft x 12ft car. 

Monday, March 5, 2012

Downton Abbey, cookies, and other shiny things.

Here's some things I've learned while packing up my life in preparation for a move.

  • Make sure you have plenty of boxes. 
  • Start collecting newspapers to wrap fragile items. 
  • Begin watching an addicting hour long television show. 2 seasons, 9 episodes each until you're glassy eyed and speaking with a proper English accent. Cry when it's all over. They're like the rich family you never had. 
  • Blow off the gym. You have more important things to do. See above.
  • Run your body on coffee, cookies and wine. Throw in a pb&j for the fruit.
  • Plan an 8 hour road trip just for fun close to your move date. Take time off work.
  • Donate any unused items such as toys or clothes that are still in good condition.
  • Pack things you use the least but can't live without first. (Holiday decorations, dildos, weather specific things)
  • Start reading that book you picked up and have been meaning to read. Don't continue packing until book is done.
  • Plan goodbye luncheons with your friends. Get drunk and say highly inappropriate things. 
  • Update your address book. 
  • Consume large amounts of highly processed, sugar filled foods. This will keep your strength up.
  • Schedule doctor appointments and refill your prescriptions.
  • Start using up the food in your house. Everybody loves canned tuna with macaroni and cheese. 
  • Drink too much wine to help with the stress that you're hungover for 2 days and can't do any work at all. 
  • Expose your kids to the common cold so they can get it out of their system now, and not on moving day. Keep them at home so you can wait on them hand and foot.
  • Have your husband get mouth surgery and take care of his needs by blending all his meals. 
  • Notify your neighbors that you will be moving.
  • Use up any coupons you may have.
  • Purchase new clothing for the new climate you'll be moving to.
  • Make sure to tell people how excited you are and what an amazing experience this is going to be.
  • Cry yourself to sleep at night. 
  • Have your children's teachers update reports. If possible, find out ALL of your kids are now special needs and plan accordingly. 
  • Purchase paint to match the interior of the house. 
  • Don't bother with taking care of yourself, you're much too busy taking care of everything else. 
  • Write a blog to vomit your emotions on perfect strangers. 
  • Get PMS 5 days before the move date. If you're lucky, you'll start menstruating on moving day. 

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

How to make a Valentines

The worlds best video tutorial on 
how to make valentines. 
True story. 
(sorry my kids are so loud and obnoxious in the background. 
I will send them to the dungeon later)

Monday, January 23, 2012

I know what you're up to....

As you all know, I despise passive aggression. I'm a person who speaks bluntly and honestly.  It's one of Mr. CEO's favorite qualities of mine. I say what I mean. Not everyone has this ability.
There are plenty of these "what she said, what she meant" lists out there.
But this one is MINE. I feel like I might have already done one like this before, but I'm not digging through the archives to find out.

What they say
= what they mean

"I can't make it, my kid is sick"
= Something better came up

"We shouldn't be longer than 2 hours"
= It's going to be longer than 2 hours

 "Wow you have your hands full with those kids!"
= Your kids are assholes, and you can't control them. They'll probably end up in Juvey.

"My, your daughter certainly is precocious"
= Your kid is a know-it-all. Nobody likes a know-it-all.

"Yeah let's together! How about my house?"
= Your house is filthy and my tetanus shot is not current

"Maybe we can just go do something without kids?"
= I don't like your kids, plus, I want to drink

"It's been one of those CRAZY days and I'm totally fried!!"
= My kids were bothering me the WHOLE four hours I was on FaceBook

"I read it somewhere"
= I just made it up

"I'm 5 minutes away"
= I'm 20 minutes away

"This is only my first glass"
= This is my third glass

"Those look comfortable"
= Those are ugly

"I'm over it"
= I will continue to obsess over this but I want people to think I don't care

"WOW! That shirt looks SOOOOO AMAZING ON YOU!!!"
= Please throw away every other shirt you own, they look like trash compared to this

"I miss my kids when I'm not around them"
= I'm only saying this so you'll think I'm a decent human being.

"What's in this casserole, I can't quite identify that flavor; is it saffron?"
= I am unable to identify the contents of this dish, it is horrible.  I might need to get my stomach pumped.

"Let's share a dessert"
= I'm going to eat the entire thing but if anyone asks we shared.

"Do you want me to pay you back now or when I see you again?"
= I don't have the money to pay you back right now.

"Your son is really high energy isn't he?"
= I'm no doctor but I think your kid has ADD

"What a beautiful ring!"
= This better not be real

"The person before me really stunk up the bathroom"
= I stunk up the bathroom but I don't want you to know that

"What size is that dress?"
= I want to make sure I'm still skinnier than you.

"Oh I would, but I just ate"
= I want you to think I don't eat that kind of food

"This looks like a safe neighborhood"
= I don't see any black people

"Well you know what they say..."
= I'm too unoriginal to come up with my own quips and quotes

"Did you fart?"
= You farted. Gross.

"Google it"
= Please don't call my bluff. Please don't call my bluff. Please don't call my bluff.

"The kids just aren't a good match"
= That kid is a jerk

"Wellllllllllll, OK, maybe just one more"
= What the hell took you so long to ask?????

"Sorry I'm late, my housekeeper was late."
= I want you to think I have lots of money

"I'll drive!"
= Your car smells funny

"Can you drive?"
= I don't want to use the gas

"Want to go for a run with me?"
= You need to lose some weight

"5 kids really? They must be religious."
= They must be Mexican

"So I have a friend who has this problem..."
= I have this problem....

"I'm not that drunk"
= I'm so drunk I think you'll believe that I'm not that drunk

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Monday, January 2, 2012


Or as we like to call it "EXTREME MARRIAGE". Parenthood is the olympics of being a professional couple. It takes training, discipline, determination. Sometimes a helmet, often some patience and always a lot of love.

  Are YOU a PROFESSIONAL? Here are the top 12 1/2  ways to know.

  1. Right when you are the middle of something you get interr.....
  2. Your snooze button is a stop watch to see how fast you can get your family out the door. The goal: personal best!
  3. You turn into Dr. House trying to figure out how your kid caught that fever, that rash and how to handle it. All while trying to manage your pain.... 
  4. When dinner time comes around you feel like a cross between Iron Chef and MacGuyver. "We've got a can of tuna, some noodles and baby carrots, GO!"
  5. You feel like Jane Fonda while bending over to pick up clothes and toys. "Aaaaaaaand one, and two, and three, and breath, and reach, and six, and stretch, and eight and hold, hold, hold...... and again!" 
  6. They call you "Mario Andretti" when you drive your kids to school.
  7. You consider doing laundry a hobby and can fold a t-shirt 7 different ways. 
  8. You can successfully maneuver the obstacle course in your kids' room like a soldier in a mine field. 
  9. You become the worlds most amazing interrogator when it comes to finding out who broke your vase. The Closer comes to YOU for advice. 
  10. You've gotten so good at opening and drinking wine that you could become a sommelier. A sommelier for wines under $20. 
  11. You use infrared lights, take DNA samples and question suspects all in the hopes of finding one.lost.shoe.
  12. You feel like a referee in a UFC match when your kids fight. 
  13. You envy the praying mantis who can bite the head off her mate. 
  14. Anyone can ask you anything, at anytime and you know the answer. "Mom, where's my book?" "Honey, where are my keys?" They call you "psyche". 
If you answered yes to any of these examples then you need to go find yourself a sponsor.