Friday, September 30, 2011

Today I was approached by a troll...

Fist sentence brought to you by: Dee McDuffie

"Today I was approached by a troll. 

I was minding my own business, crossing a bridge and he just popped out at me! I was like, "what the hell man? I'm walking here!" He growled. I suppose he was trying to scare me. The only thing offensive about him was his smell. Yuck. He told me that I couldn't cross. I told him that my two brothers were waiting for me on the other side. He told me that he remembered them. I told him that he needed to get out of my way. HE threatened ME by saying that he was going to eat me. I wasn't about to become dinner for some stinky, hairy troll. So I threw him off the bridge with my horns. He fell into the water and started screaming about how he was drowning and such but there was only a foot or two of water in the stream. Literally, I could have just walked around the bridge to get to the other side. It was at that point that he started yelling "assault! assault!" and he called the police"

Officer Peters said "Well now Mr. Goat, the Troll claims that you instigated the altercation. He says that YOU were the one who said you were going to eat him"

"Are you SERIOUS? I'm a goat. I eat grass, leaves, weeds. I'm vegetarian. I haven't had meat since that squirrel of '98 and THAT was an accident."

Officer Peters "You look like a big goat. Maybe you do eat meat."

"Yeah, that makes sense. Look, my brothers are right over there. Just ask them."

Officer Peters "Your brothers WITNESSED this event?"

"Yes, they're standing over there in that meadow on the other side of the bridge"


And that's when I ate Officer Peters your Honor.

I'm probably the last person you would ever....

First sentence brought to you by: Lindsay Curtis Davis

"I'm probably the last person you would ever want advice from, but the hobbit in the woods said your lover is trying to kill you by poisonous grandmotherly  kisses.

First of all, Huntsman, he's a Dwarf, not a "hobbit". Second of all, after eating that poisonous apple my step-mother gave me I've built up a tolerance to poison. Third of all, the only reason why my "lover" is trying to kill me is because we went 5 days without sex. OK? 5 freakin' days. That's why I use the term "lover" loosely. Honestly, I'm so tired after a day of cooking, cleaning, and making lunches for the 7 dwarfs I hardly have enough energy to check my email let alone have sex! Especially with another person.

Ultimately the joke is on him. I've built an immunity to iocaine powder. The next time I see my lover I will place iocaine powder on my lips. When we kiss, my lover will suffer the wrath that he brought on himself. I don't need him anyway. Think about it, 7 men who come up to my middle, or one man who can't find "the middle".  

I'll stay with the dwarfs.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

It was a dreary rainy morning.....

First sent provided by: Tonya Goddessofall Medrano: 

It was a dreary rainy morning, as I slumped out of bed and dragged myself to pain killers and coffee. 

Life with a hangnail could be almost unbearable at times. I had taken myself to the doctor the day before. He said that it was nothing to worry about. I knew I needed a second opinion. So I asked my hamster. His reply was just what I was suspecting "you need meds. STAT."  I went to my grandmothers house. I knew she just had hip replacement surgery and had plenty of painkillers. She didn't need them. She had a new hip! So of course I took three bottles. This was the mother of all hangnails. 

I washed down 4 pills with my morning cup of Joe. They went down smooth as I suspected they would. I threw in 2 NyQuil for good measure. 

6 hours later I woke up. Dizzy, groggy, and parched. I looked down at my hangnail. It wasn't any better. Damn. Damn. Damn. The painkillers weren't working. I considered the worst scenario: my fingertip gets amputated. Best case scenario: I take more painkillers and don't feel the pain. My money was on best case scenario. 

Down the hatch goes 3 more pills. Oh crap, I was supposed to pick my kids up from school. Oh double crap, I don't have kids! Damn you hangnail! Look what you've done to me! I don't know what is up or what is down. Life has turned sideways and I don't know which lane to be in! 

Why God?!?! WHY did I have to be dealt this card? What did I do to deserve this hangnail?
I pounded my fists on the ground. 

Then God spoke to me: He said "I gave you the hangnail as a test. You had the power to heal it all along. Did you not notice the Neosporin and nail clippers next to your coffee cup?"

That last part I'm pretty sure happened. I'm not 100% positive because I also saw God and he looked a lot like Sneezy from Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. (dwarfs?) It could have been a hallucination. Either way, I vow only to use painkillers when I am in such excruciating pain that I can not live my life at a normal capacity. I will not use painkillers to heal. 

But seriously, the hangnail was pretty bad. 

We were getting ready for bed after a long day...

First sentence provided by: Aleta Schaffer Plouffe 

We were getting ready for bed after a long day and that was when the alarms sounded.

This could only mean one thing: the biosphere's security had been breached. We've practiced the drill in the event of such a tragedy.  Everyone  headed to the underground shelters.

I was more scared than I thought I would be. I knew we had practiced this, but I thought all the drills would desensitize me to the reality of this catastrophe. It was really happening. In my lifetime. 

We had come to live in this perfect, green, utopian society. Living off the land, eating as nature intended us, and avoiding all waste. It was perfection. There was no crime, no smog, no plastic. We lived a sustainable life with pure air and pure water. This breach was nothing more than the end to our Eden. 

Why? WHY!? SO many years spent on the planning of this. Then more time to build it. Countless trial and errors on our part, the community. The community consisted of a professor, a captain, his first mate, a movie star, a rich couple who paid to be here, and an all-american girl. We were supposed to be here 3 years. After 5 years we started breeding and building our colony. 

Once we were all in the underground shelter the professor was the designated leader. He stayed above ground to see investigate the breach. 

When he returned it was with great weariness and sadness. He announced that the first mate had found some herbs, eaten them.... and ordered a pizza. And did anyone have $5 to tip the pizza guy.  

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

As I walked to work.....

First sentence provided by: Emma Jost 

As I walked to work through the skyway one morning, a crazy drunk guy in a motorized wheelchair stopped me and asked, "Have you heard the good news?"

"liver failure is a myth?"
"Don't be ridiculous. I said GOOD news, not OLD news."
"my mistake"
"So do you want to hear the good news?"
"You shit your pants"
"Yes. No. Well, yes I did, but that's not the news. Can you be serious?"
"Can you stand up and say the alphabet backwards?"
"why do you have to be so rude?"
"why do you have to be so drunk?"
"It's a DISEASE, OK?"
"Have you seen a doctor?"
"No, but I know"
"Alrighty it's been nice chatting with you but I have to get to work"
"Oh right, but wait! What about the good news? Don't you want to hear?"
"You're going to become a student driver instructor?"
"Why are you so mouthy?!"
"Look I spent a lot of money on these lip injections, I'll be damned if I don't get my money's worth"
"If someone told me that they had good news I would listen"
"Look, good news to you, and good news to me are not the same. Did the price of Bourbon go down?"
"I drink whiskey, and I don't like your attitude. "
"I don't like your breath. Now get out of my way"
"No, not until you listen to me"
"No, I don't have to"
"Now look here missy, I've got something to tell you!"
"You're out of booze?"
"No. Well, yeah that too. But are you going to listen to me or not?"
"If by 'listen' you mean 'smell' than I already have"
"well fine. If you don't want to hear the good news I won't tell you"
"Glad we see eye to eye on this"
"But why don't you want to hear the good news?"
"Because now i'm late for work"
"Well that's what I've been trying to tell you."
"Wow, you're more drunk than I thought you were"
"Your office is closed"
"Mhmm. Closed"
"Why didn't you just say "the office is closed"?"
"Probably because I'm drunk"

This one time, at band camp...

First sentence brought to you by Matt Sweet , the pervert.

This one time, at band camp,

I stuck my flute in a pussy. Well, her mouth, anyway. The camp rules state that we weren't allowed to bring our cats. Well, my cat is SUPER attached to me. I love her. She loves me. How could I possibly leave her at home?! She's really playful and likes to bite me. 

Well, I guess it all started when we were done with practice and I went back to the room. I started to tickle her. She got super excited and started opening her mouth to bite me. Well, she bit me, and it hurt. She wouldn't stop. So the next time she opened her mouth to bite, I stuck my flute in there. 

She's being a pain in the butt though. So I don't think I'll bring her next year. She's super high maintenance and throws up all the time. I love her so much though. 

Here kitty kitty.....

*I can't even believe I did a story for this. I died a little inside*

I woke up on the front lawn...

First sentence provided by: Toni Vignogna 

I woke up on the front lawn, staring up at a sea of pink plastic flamingoes, once again.

 It never fails. I go out drinking with the other lawn gnomes and I end up here. On the Sanchez's lawn. Why I let those guys talk me into Boiler Maker Night I have no idea.  Now I have to watch Mr. Sanchez get his newspaper wearing nothing but a robe and slippers. It's times like this when I wish I was lying face down. 

I can see the pinwheel whirling in the breeze. Mocking me. You son of a bitch. I'll get you one day. Let's see how you look with Mrs. Sanchez farting the only wind you spin to. 

I'm regaining memories from last night activities. We were trying to infiltrate the flamingoes to see what they did at night. Why aren't they ever in the same position in the morning? They're up to something.  I remember something about a mailbox, a garden hose, and a half eaten corn dog. In what order they appeared... I have no clue. Now here I am.... right smack dab in the middle of enemy territory. 

My biggest concern right now is how am I going to make it to my own lawn. The Mrs. will surely be upset. How long until the Sanchez kids go to school and see me here? I have to think fast. Thinking fast is hurting my head. I must think slower. Yes! Fido! Come here boy! Now all I need to do is grab... onto... his.... collar.... There we go! 
"To the Johnson's, boy! Giddy up!"

What's this on my foot? Is that.... glitter? FML.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

It was the same old mundane, routine.....

First sentence provided by: Karla Krebs Evers 

It was the same old mundane, routine, predictable Tuesday for another stay at home mother out there in the world.

Until, SHE showed up. Her hair blew wildly in the wind. Her skirt billowed around her like a sheet hung up to dry on a windy day. Her skin was wrinkled, and her wand glistened in the sun light.  I didn't think she would come. I had arranged all my plans on the basis of her not showing up. This changed things. 

I hadn't sent for my fairy godmother since the day she told me I could. 
She granted me ONE more visit for the remainder of my days. She bestowed that upon me the day I met my husband. Now here she was, face to face. 
"you look fat" she said to me. 
She was right... I had put on a few pounds. It was the 3 kids, the refreshments at all the PTA meetings and cleaning up my kids plates. 

I knew I was at an all time low. I didn't need her for childbirth. I didn't need her for my son's first broken arm. I didn't even need her when the castle got foreclosed. I need her now. 

She saw the worry lines on my face.  She new it was bad. Why else would I call her?

"How bad is it?" She asked. 
"Bad" I replied. 
"How much time do we have?" 
"24 hours. Is that enough?"
"I'll do my best."

She looked around my property. It was much smaller now. Since the kingdom changed it's rule we were not as important as we once were. The prime minister came and took over. We had become civilians. Royalty with no power. And now, on my darkest day, I called up my last hope. 

"How many people?" She inquired.
"A few hundred. Oh fairy god mother, do think there's any hope?"
She looked me up and down. "I shall do my best"

With a flick of her wand my house was spotless. My children clean. The dishes done. Dinner was prepared, animals groomed and the clothing clean, folded and put away. 

"Oh Fairy God Mother!" I exclaimed.
She shushed me. She wasn't finished. 
She turned to me with a dissatisfied look. She waved her wand one last time. Light. Light everywhere. 
It was all I could see. I was shrouded in it. Bathed in light. So bright I had to close my eyes. When I opened them she placed a mirror in front of me. I gazed upon my reflection. I was beautiful! My hair! It was washed and brushed. Styled even! Wrinkles gone! Boobs, lifted. Skin taught! I was amazed! Pounds vanished!

"Oh Fairy God Mother thank you! Thank you!"
"It is my pleasure dear. Now go! You don't want to be late for your high school reunion!"

I was walking through my back yard....

First sentence brought to you by: Lauren Wantstokickpeople Wright 

I was walking through my back yard and the neighbor's fucking unicorn had shit out glitter next to my roses again.

That bastard! No matter how many times I tell that ho to keep her unicorn OFF my property she still does it! Glitter is the herpes of the art and crafts world. There's no getting rid of it. 
Sometimes I won't notice until after I've already stepped in it. Then on the way to work people are like, "umm, I think you stepped in glitter" and I check the bottom of my shoe and sure as shit there's glitter. Now i've just tracked it ALL over my car, my house, my office. 

Look, I realize that unicorns have to go. I get it. Really I do. But on MY lawn? Next to MY roses? What if my roses got glitter on them?? What then?? We're miles away from Valentine's Day. They would have to get chucked into the bin. 

What about a litter box? Or a "glitter box" for the unicorn to go into. That might work. Maybe fixing the problem isn't the answer. Maybe revenge is the answer. Maybe I should collect all the glitter from the unicorn, collect it in a 5 gallon bucket and put it above my neighbors door. That way, when they open the door, all the glitter falls on their head!  

Or I'll just let me leprachaun shit clovers all over their yard. Although come to think of it, that might be an improvement. Or I could get him drunk so he'll puke lucky charms. That might bring them good luck though.  

Ok, 5 gallon bucket of unicorn shit here I come! 

My ex-husband texted me today.....

First sentence brought to you by: Cate Cannon

My ex-husband texted me today; his message was that he would pray for my sin.

How very odd. I racked my brains. What have I done? Worse still, what have I done that HE knows about? 
I went through all the sins I knew:

Pride- I did crochet a BITCHIN' doggie sweater. I know it was bitchin' too. 

Envy- I saw a girl at the market today with a perky ass. I wanted that ass so bad. Which leads me to the next sin,

Gluttony- I love the 100 calorie pack of ding dongs soooo much. I eat at least a pack box a day. Which may be why I do not possess a perky ass. 

Lust- Has he seen my lawn boy? Because I know I'VE seen the lawn boy. Almost as delicious as a 100 calorie pack of ding dongs. Lawn boy + ding dongs should never be in the same thought sequence.

Anger- I got taken for a ride when I took my car in for an oil change. They had to replace my air filter, and I needed new brake pads. WHAT?!? My brakes are FINE. I slam them all the time and they're still doing their job. Pisses me off!!

Greed- I went to my girlfriends house 2 days ago and we were drinking wine. It was an expensive bottle that SHE bought. I poured myself an extra glass when she wasn't looking. 

Sloth- He must have been peaking in my windows and saw the state of disarray that I call a "home."

And if he thinks it's adultery than he has me confused with himself. 

Well I can't stand it. What the hell did I do??

I'm going to text him right now:
me: what do you mean? you're praying for my sin? 
him: damn auto correct. I meant "i would pray for your win"

Oh that's right, I bought a lotto ticket yesterday. 

It was a dark, scary night in the park.....

First sentence generously provided by: Adriana Sanchez-Vazquez 

It was a dark scary night in the park when the girl wakes up and finds herself tied to a tree.

"Dammit" she thought "no more Ambien for me".  How long had she been there? How would
she get herself out of this situation? One thing was for sure, she was stuck. She looked
around her and found a sign written by her own hand. It read:


Earlier that day she had been in the park with her own dog. She watched as she witnessed a homeless man urinate on the tree. A tree that the local dogs loved to pee on. Now, they were forced to find a fire hydrant to pee on. It was awful. That tree was supposed to be for the dogs! How dare he. She had considered campaigning to save  the tree from transient urine. She had considered writing up a petition and having all the people who used the park to sign it. Maybe they could build a fence around the tree with slits that only the dogs could use. 

She thought it over and over for the rest of the night. She could barely enjoy her hamburger helper dinner. 
Her dog, Mr. Jiggles, sat at her feet while she tapped her fork against her plate. 
"I've got to do something about that tree. Maybe I'll tie myself to it and protest!"  She decided she would
look into the legal ramifications of tying herself to a tree. 

It was all coming back to her now, and she sat shivering in the cold  in her pajamas. The great thing about Ambien is that it allows you to do things you wouldn't normally do. Things you WANT to do, but just don't have the balls to do. Or the better judgement to do.  She realized that the reason for the shivering was that she was wet! She took a whiff... urine. Damn those transients!

Medusa Head

My mom had SERIOUS Medusa Head when I was growing up. When we got old enough to get up and get ready for school by ourselves she, naturally, slept in. If we had a note that needed to be signed then we had to wake her up. Waiting of course until the last possible moment because once she was up... it wasn't pretty. I don't mean in an attractive way. I mean the whole scene was unattractive. Picture waking up a bear from hibernation. Now put on that bear hair that looks like this~~~~~~~~~~~>

She didn't LOOK like a bear. Just the groggy, unintelligible growling of a bear.
God she's going to hate me when she reads this.  Anyways- back to Medusa.
So my mom  had this big, crazy bed head. It was one of things that made is so amusing to wake her from her peaceful slumber.

I swore to myself that I would never have Medusa Head. Every morning when I wake up I promptly check to see if my ponytail is still in my hair. It's usually not since my hair is so short. It's usually still wound up on my pillow. I replace my ponytail with a new one, clip back any unauthorized splaying of bangs that are in my face or put on a bandana.  Then I leave my bedroom.

Today while dropping off my kids I bore witness to THREE Medusa Head tragedies. So sad. I could tell they had just barely woken up, mostly because they were driving like angry bears. This is one of the reasons, I believe, that ladies caps are becoming cuter and cuter. It's for mom's who drive their kids to school.

So listen people, Medusa Head is a serious matter. Don't' let it happen to you. If not treated promptly it can become a chronic condition. Think of the children. THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!!

Monday, September 26, 2011

I dropped something

I watched myself drop the ball today. It was a very surreal moment. An actual moment of "ifuckedupness". I saw the moment pass before my eyes and it's like time stood still.  The ball dropped in slow motion. It left my hands at 7:15... no... I think it really left my hands at 6:30am, then hit the floor at 8:27.

I'll walk you through it. But first, remember my blog post about new and improved daily routine?  Well I was using it! It was working! Until today. Maybe it's been a few days in the making but it's not good. Today was a low point, even for me.

6:30 hit snooze
7:00 alarm to wake kids up goes off. I get out of bed
7:01 coffee
7:05 start making oatmeal
7:10 Hubby wakes up
7:11 give Hubby coffee
7:15 begin making lunches
7:18 realize I need more tupperware for said lunches. make note to buy more tupperware
7:25 yell downstairs for kids to wake up
7:35 feed kids
7:45 dress kids. No, make that ONE kid gets dressed.
7:50 tell kid that is still eating breakfast to move his ass and get dressed
7:55 fight with dressed kid about what she's wearing. her exact words were "really, mom? this outfit?"
7:56 consider putting bailey's in my coffee
8:00 ask pajama clad kid why he's not dressed yet. response "I can't find my gray shirt" my reply "wear a different shirt"
8:01 meltdown commences.
8:05 dear daughter decides she needs to poop
8:06 help dear son find shoes.
8:10 check on pooping daughter- she hasn't even got her pants off yet.
8:12 check on son. realize i didn't do any laundry yesterday (Sunday). silent curse myself for being such a bad, lazy mom.
8:15 check email. get upsetting letter from son's classroom aide.
8:17 daughter declares she pooped.
8:20 head downstairs- son is dressed. daughter forgot backpack upstairs.
8:22 leave house
8:27 drop kids off (late) at school

It's only Monday. MONDAY!! The first day of the new week! This is the day that is supposed to set the example for the following days! I'm failing!!! My house is in shambles and i'm sitting here on my ass TELLING YOU HOW BAD IT IS rather than make it better!

So I've decided the buck stops here. I'm going to work on my house and get my shit together and stop acting like a lazy teenager. I'm a mother for crying out loud and it's high time I started acting like one.  so hopefully my next blog will be about how awesome I am and clean my house and how I just made 300 cupcakes for the bake sale at school on top of volunteering and delivery meals to the elderly. But until then.... I vow blogging silence.

Friday, September 23, 2011

She said what?

I"m in car explaining to my daughter how babies are made.

I told her that a man  gives the woman a seed and she puts the
seed in her soft egg and grows a baby.

She said "ok, so daddy put his seed in some soup and you drank

I said "no, that's what I did when I DIDN'T want to have a baby"

true story. it was THE MOST awesome conversation I've ever
had with her.


Thursday, September 22, 2011

Priorities and stuff

This photo has nothing
to do with today's blog post. 
Since life and parenting are getting in the way of blogging about life and parenting this is going to be short. Maybe sweet. Not with sugar though... probably like, sweet n' low. Where at first taste it's sweet but after awhile you're like, bleghck. So, I guess I'm just trying to apologize in advance.

Since I'm really awesome at bullet points I'm going to do that. And since every god damn person on the planet seems to have ADD or ADHD I do it for them. I'm a giver. Just ask my husband. *ahem* back to the story. Errrr, bullet points.

  • When my kids accidentally get off their leash and dart into the street I feel like an asshole. When someone else's kid darts into the street where I'm driving, I feel like an asshole. I can not find a mathematical equation to explain this. 
  • I'm considering putting the coffee machine on my nightstand.
  • I want to put into place a rule that says "NO TALKING AFTER 9PM"  because I'm really having a hard time with this 10 o'clock pillow talk bullshit. I need sleep!
  • My house is a horrible mess. HORRIBLE. There is no room in this house that hasn't been bitten by the messing bug.
  • Speaking of bugs: I got bit in the ear by one. My ear was HUGE and red. The only thing I like HUGE and red are strawberries. Not parts of body. 2 claritin later and I was high as a kite and I totally cracked out for 3 hours on a jigsaw puzzle. My ear is feeling better, thank you. 
  • I pack the WORST lunches. The problem with those reusable lunch boxes is that the compartments are not big enough. 
  • I volunteered at my daughter's kindergarten class and for the first time, I liked her teacher. Those kids are... ummmm..... well we'll just say that they're new to the whole school thing. She is VERY patient with them. I could handle 5, but 20? wow. just, wow. 
  • I'm thinking about following in Law-Momma's steps and getting a PO Box. Mostly because I'm addicted to checking the mail. It's like smacking crack. (is that even real? did i say that right? i'm not sure. i've never smacked crack but it sounds close to checking to the mail obsessively)
  • I've redone my kitchen with red accents (cliché, I know) and I freaking LOVE IT. (you have to say LOVE with a singsongy voice, other wise you're missing out on the true feeling of the love. it's like "ding-dong" "lo-ove" did you say it right? Do you feel the love now? Good.)
Ok  think that'g good for now. I got some stupid things off my mind and came up with new ones. I have a fun idea for a new blog but that is going to take focus and time. Two things I just don't have right now. I'm so short on time, I'm not even going to edit this. *gasp* for shame, I know. But I'm trying to make a point. Stop arguing with me, I don't have time. Thanks Lola, now I'm now arguing with myself. Damn you. 

Monday, September 19, 2011

First time parents VS. Veteran parents

First time parents are soooo different from 2, 3 and 4th time parents. Remember when you had your first baby? Remember how paranoid and worried you were? Everything had to be just so. Then baby number two comes and you don't even rinse off the pacifier anymore. 
So let's look at visitation. First timers Vs. Veterans. 

First Timers:

visiting baby-
 We want quiet time initially for bonding and recovery. Please don't call our phones, no knocking on the door and leave your congratulatory fog horn at home.

We have invested thousands of dollars on this baby so we will be charging a $15 a head admission to see him. We want a beautiful, healthy return on investment.

The first few days though we will not be having any visitors. Then, the people who bring cash gifts will be allowed visitation first. Then homemade gift givers next, and finally card givers will be last.

Additionally, for the first few weeks, no kids under 10 years old. Pertussis has been going around in schools, and we are working our way into flu season. Please bring your immunization card so that we can make sure you are caught up on all vaccines.

We will be enforcing that people wash their hands very well and remove their shoes, we will provide you with breathing masks.

Please do not speak to the baby unless the baby has spoken to you first. When you do speak, please keep it at a low decibel.

If you are sick or have gotten over being sick within a week, please don't come. Seriously, one cough, sniff or sneeze and you'll be out so fast your snotty head will spin. 

We are asking that no eye contact be made with the baby. Please do not show your  teeth as this is a sign of aggression and we don't want to stress the baby. 

We love you all.

Veteran Parent:

Hey everyone, the baby is due any day. We're planning a barbecue at our house.
Please bring your own beer. We'll provide the meat. If you're vegetarian let us know.

We don't really need anything for the baby, but dad really wants a new video game. Best Buy gift cards would be awesome.

We do need diapers though. size newborn and size 5 for our 2 year old.

When my water breaks I'll send out a mass text. Delivery room viewing will be on a first come, first serve basis. Up to 8 people.

I'll be pretty busy making potato salad so make sure you guys can hold the baby for me. I'll pump some extra bottles so you can do feeding duty.

I'm pretty sure I have hand sanitizer but whatever. You're clean right?

If you're sick, don't cough on the baby. Cough into your shirt or something.

Pets welcome. 

We just bought a new DVD for the kids to watch so they'll be occupied. 

Can't wait to see all of you.

Monday, September 12, 2011


I was thinking last night about gay marriage and how I'm all for it. I thought about the people that are against it and their arguments. Like "they'll soil the sanctity of marriage". I hate to tell them this... but there are plenty of straight marriages doing that right now.

I bet divorce attorneys are pro-gay marriage.

Anyway, another thing that people say is "what's next, a man wanting to marry his dog??"  I don't know how they always jump to bestiality. When in the history of, oh say.... EVER has a human wanted to marry an animal? Man's best friend is called that for a reason. They're just friends. There's nothing romantic going on. So then THAT got me thinking about inanimate objects getting married. Here's what I came up with: (I was hungry at the time so it's all about food)

Tortillas and salsa were high school sweethearts. They broke up after high school, and tortillas had a passionate, 6 month love affair with guacamole. Tortillas ended up settling down with cheese.

Peanut butter is a polygamist. Sister wives include: jelly, chocolate, honey and banana.

Burgers and fries. Not married actually. Not even dating. They're just friends. Purely platonic.

Burgers and beer however...... are married. Fries is just the beard. 

Meatloaf and mashed potatoes grew up together and were young lovers. Until meatloaf decided that the grass was greener on the other side. Meatloaf marries brown rice, much to the dismay of corn and peas. It's a loveless marriage and meatloaf often dreams of the days it spent with mashed potatoes.

Speaking of potatoes.... The Potato is a whore. She's super slutty and tells her partners "how would you like it? Fried, boiled, mashed, scalloped... " etc. etc.  Skank. But she's good.

Cheerios used to date white milk until it discovered chocolate milk. (The sensual side of breakfast) They don't get married but they're monogamous and are considered common law. They decided against marriage because they don't need a piece of paper to define their love.

Ham and cheese are in love. Always have been. Got married young, bought a house, had kids... they enjoy sitting on their porch swing drinking iced tea holding hands.

Milk and cookies are pretty much just in it for the sex. Late night hookups mostly. They don't date and they're not in love.... yet.

Root Beer and vanilla ice cream. Best Friends. Not dating, not married. Root Beer is gay and so is vanilla ice cream, but not for each other. Which leads me to....

Cake and Ice Cream. Ice Cream moved in with Cake after the first date and they've been together ever since.  They've also adopted 3 adorable cake pops. Cake makes Ice Cream laugh, and Ice Cream is very supportive of Cake's crazy endeavors. (hello! Red Velvet)

Bagels and Cream Cheese. Bagels is much older than Cream Cheese. Their parents set them up when Cream Cheese was still a kid. When Cream Cheese came of age they wed and they've actually grown to love each other very much.

Turkey, Bacon and Avocado. Don't ask. they're usually stoned and anything sounds good when you're stoned.

Now Apples and Oranges.... that's just sick. If you're going to let them get married then next chairs are going to want to marry tables and men are going to want to marry horses. What a bunch of deviants.