Wednesday, November 30, 2011

My craigslist ad

we're selling our minivan. *sigh* It was our second one. We loved it. LOVED it.
That thing drives so smooth, it feels like a cadillac. No lie.
I thought the van was really beginning to think it was a cadillac.

They upgraded the body style for 2011 so it is freakin' SWEET!
I realize that is a term not usually associated with a minivan....
but seriously, it's awesome. Seriously.
On a side note- we had a "no eating in the car rule" so that's... you know.... good.

 So here are the facts:

23,000 miles (in airplane miles that's hardly anything at all)
gray exterior
light gray interior
wood trim
blue tooth
back up mirror
air conditioning
sunroof (I may or may not have stood up dancing and singing to Prince's "kiss")
tiptronic and auto transmission (sometimes you feel like a race car driver, sometimes you don't)
cruise control (Sadly, Tom is not included)
power windows and rear vent window
power driver seat
dual passenger heated seats (rrrrrarrrrr) and climate control
rear climate control
V6 engine
DVD with wide screen (dual screen. meaning the screen splits in two) and headphones
auto hook up for games
sun shades for all rear windows (because honestly, my kids' futures are pretty bright)
automatic and remote operated trunk

This is the same* van that is featured in the supremely awesomely bad ass "swagger wagon" videos found on
I know you want to see it. Go ahead... check it out. I'll wait here.

Did you watch it? I KNOW RIGHT?!?!?!  TOTALLY HILARIOUS!! So yeah... this van is totally famous.

*it is NOT the exact same van. It is not even the same model, but don't tell the van... it will totally destroy it's ego.

any interest whether it be heart-pounding enthusiastic, or just mild intrigue
call [insert phone number here]

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

I was about to make dinner....

First sentence generously provided by: Bill Sloniker 

I was about to make dinner, but then noticed that I was out of wine. I can’t possibly make dinner without it. So I went to the store to get a bottle.

Being at the store and seeing some balloons reminded me that my husband’s birthday is coming up and I needed to buy cake mix.  

When I was in the cake mix isle, I saw birthday candles. This gave me an idea that I wanted to light pillar candles on his birthday.  I needed to go to a different store for that.

When I got to the different store I found the the pillar candles I needed. They also had a rug on sale.  I remembered that my hardwood floors were dirty and that I needed to mop them.

I found some floor cleaner and a new mop. While I was over in the cleaning section I saw a really cute apron.  I tried it on.  It needed pearls.

I went to the jewelry store to see if they had any pearls. They did! While I was trying them on I realized I had let my roots get out of control. I needed a touch up. 

I drove to the beauty supply store for some hair dye. I found the most precious shade of pink nail polish while I was looking around. I tried it on my pinky finger.  I had to get it.  At the checkout I saw some vials of glitter.  I super love glitter so I went to the arts and crafts store.

While I was there I saw that they had all the supplies needed for making a Christmas wreath, I bought them.  I just love decorating for Christmas.  OOH! That reminded me that I needed to make cookies for a party my son was having.

I went to the nearest bakery and bought 2 dozen cookies. While I was there I saw these two old ladies chatting. This made me miss my friends. So I called one of them up.  She was busy making dinner. CRAP! DINNER!

I headed home to finish making dinner.  I turned the oven on, turned my stereo on and then realized….. I forgot my bottle of wine. 

Monday, November 28, 2011

That banana didn't stand a chance.

About a year ago I did a status update: "That banana didn't stand a chance once I put peanut butter on it."

One of my friends replied that it sounded like a good start to a story. That idea gave birth to my "first sentence" writing exercise. So here it is, the very first story I wrote, provided by me. 

That banana didn't stand a chance once I put peanut butter on it. Unfortunately I had to use creamy instead of crunchy.  The crunchy  kind breaks up the soft monotonous texture of the banana.  Whenever I am deep on a case, this is my snack of choice.  Today though, I would need more than a peanut butter banana. I needed an answer, and I needed it fast. Who was this Mr. Schultz? and Why did he steal that candlestick?  

My client Mr. Hornsberry has been calling day and night. I'm running out of excuses. Ever since he first called me he had been on my case like I was on his. I was working on it, I just hadn't made much progess. The thief had left a note, but figured it was just a red herring. Something to throw me off his scent. With a note like "this is Mr. Schultz, I have your candlestick", there was no way I could build a case on that. 

I went through my usual line of questions with the victim. Did he know anyone who would wish him ill will? Had he angered anyone recently? Had he forgotten to pay a bill? Did he know anyone by the name of Schultz? Of course, all his answers turned up nothing.  Everyone knew him. He was a great guy, with great deals…. and great sausages. His chops were pretty excellent too.  His neighbors all concurred that he was a likable guy and they couldn't imagine anyone wanting to hurt him or steal from him.  This guy was the Mother Theresa of delicatessen owners. I was going to have to dig deeper. 

That night as I was digging through his trash I noticed an envelope addressed to him with no return address. There was a stamp on it that read "URGENT! ACT NOW! YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY WON!"   I opened the letter. Indeed, if he acted soon he could be the winner of one million dollars. One million dollars looks a lot like motive to me.  

The next morning I went to the dry cleaners to pick up my coat. I noticed on the bulletin board there were some ads. A dog walker, a yoga class, a theatre troupe performing "Hamlet" starring Keanu Reeves. That reminded me, I still had to buy my ticket. An antique refurbisher, a mobile dog washing company- they didn't leave an address. Then there, in the bottom left hand corner "Mike Hunt, P.I."  I've always gone by the name Mike. Michael is just too long. My card wasn't the biggest ad or the brightest, but I saw that some of my number tags had been taken.  It's nice to have job security.  

As I stepped outside it began to rain. Well at least I had my coat. I didn't bother taking the dry cleaner's plastic off. I walked the empty, wet streets alone with with my thoughts. Who steals a deli owners candlestick? Who would want a candlestick? Unless….. UNLESS.  I made a run for local electric company. I had questions for them. I would need a list of everyone who didn't have power.  The man with no power is a man with no light. A man with no light is a man in need of a candlestick.  Unfortunately though, I would soon find out that a man with no power is actually 30 men with no power. None by the name of Schultz.  Well I was back to square one. 

2 days later I got a phone call from Mr. Hornsberry. He sounded upset. He asked me to rush over to his house. When I got there he said there was a mysterious charge on his credit card. I looked at the bill "SF REFRB……. $18.00" He didn't know where the charge had come from. He hadn't used his card in days. There was no phone number on the statement. This was going to take a while.  I started with the phone book. I started at the A's. One week later I got to the S's.  I found something: "Schultz mobile dog grooming" interesting. I decided to give them a call. 

That afternoon I gave Mr. Hornsberry a call. 
"Mr. Hornsberry- I solved the case"

I should have recognized it when i first saw it. It was right there under my nose. The ad at the dry cleaners. Antique refurbishing. It wasn't 2 ads. It was ONE ad. Antique refurbishing AND mobile dog grooming. The late Mrs. Hornsberry had sent his family heirloom, the candlestick, to the cleaners. The dog cleaners, that were also antique refurbishers. The candlestick would be ready in 4 days. No need to pick up- they delivered.

Monday, November 21, 2011

It's hard to believe that someone can.....

First sentence provided by: Holly Hegler 

"It's hard to believe that someone can get bumped off by an ordinary tube of mascara, but it can happen."

More easily than you would think. Muggers should be more leery of a woman yielding a tube of mascara than one with pepper spray. I know what you're thinking, you're thinking I made this up but it's true. It really happened to my sister's neighbor's cousin's mechanic's daughter's lab partner's uncle's doctor's daughter's best friend. 

She was out with some friends, bowling I think it was. Her friends all left and she realized she left her sweater in the bowling alley. So she went back to get it and on her return to the parking lot a guy came up and grabbed her. She fumble around in her purse looking for her pepper spray. She grabbed what she thought was the pepper spray. It was just mascara. Wasting no time she rammed the tube into his eye. Then she stomped on his foot, elbowed him in the gut, turned around and kicked him in the nuts. This didn't kill him. No, it only knocked the wind out of him and dropped him to the ground with a mix of fury, pain, and confusion. 

After he fell to the ground, she dropped the mascara and got in her car. While she was backing up, her tire caught the end of the mascara tube. Instead of smashing it though, it shot it out like a rocket..... right into the guy's mouth. He jammed into his windpipe and he suffocated, thus killing him.  That is why they now have a 7 day hold on any tube of mascara you buy.  They are lethal. Guns don't kill people, mascara tubes do. 

Friday, November 18, 2011

The envelope please....

I feel like all my material lately has been so serious and somber. I knew quitting drinking would be bad for my blog.  Well, I have one more for you. Sorry.

Today I received the results from my BRACA test. This of course is for the gene mutation that causes breast cancer.

I'm not genetically predisposed to get breast cancer. That doesn't mean I won't get it, but that drops my percentage rate from 87% to 20%. Which is good. 

I don't have to step into action until I'm 35. (I'm 32 now) At that point I will start with the yearly mammograms and yearly MRI's (which I will schedule 6 months apart from each other) and every 6 months I will go in for a clinical breast exam. It sounds so serious, but it could be so much worse, so much scarier, and so much more stressful. 

Lucky for me, my % rate is 20.44% this is cool because the cut off is 19.99%. So it's like getting the special treatment without really needing it. Now it's all covered by insurance and what not. Booyah.

I was going to make this long and sappy but I don't want to, and I don't think I have it in me. I just wanted to share with  you guys the good news. Sort of. Well yeah, it IS good news. =)

Thursday, November 17, 2011


During the holidays I reflect on their true meaning, so here we are at Thanksgiving.
What comes to your mind when you think about the origins of Thanksgiving? Go ahead, take a minute. Reflect.
For some reason, in my head, I think that thanksgiving is about the English settlers who came to Plymouth Rock breaking bread with the Native Americans. Why this is in my head I have no clue. After all, they're only carrying on a tradition that was already set in place.  I suppose that was what made them set a date for thanksgiving in the Americas.

For those of you who don't know what's it about, I'll tell you. Gather 'round children while I tell you a tale..... A tale of farmers. Of many villages, with many farms and many crops. In the spring the farmers plant seeds. The rains come and feed the seeds. Then summer comes and the small sprouts eat the sunshine and they grow and grow. By the time fall comes to an end, the sprouts have become food ready to eat. So all the farmers in the villages reap the harvest. It is a lot of hard work. Once they have finished though, they celebrate and have a great feast! They give thanks to the land, to the sun, to the rain, to the earth and to their Gods for providing such a bountiful harvest. At the celebration they eat and drink and are merry with their community. This, is Thanksgiving.

Nowadays we do not have to wait once a year for a bountiful harvest. We only need to go to the grocery store on payday. Or hit up Costco. The hard work we put in it varies. Sometimes people put in hard work behind a computer, some wear lab coats, some wear hard hats. Some people will labor for hours in the kitchen preparing a feast for their loved ones. We all put in hard work differently.

I'm going to give thanks for my bounty and my husband who provides me with it all. After all, it's HIS hard work year round that makes it all possible. I will also give thanks for the time we get to spend with our loved ones and the long journeys they've made. (Modern day pilgrims)

There you have it. My own personal reflection of thanksgiving. Many thanks to all my readers and your beautiful comments.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Things you can't say to your kids....

Things you can't say to your kids once they're teenagers.

Put that nipple back in your mouth.
Get your tongue out of his ear!
Your butt smells like poop.
Close your legs you're showing everyone your hoo-haw.
Get that storm trooper out of your yoo-hoo! (thank you Lorenzo)
Are you wearing panties?
Stop playing with your wiener.
Who pooped in the bathtub? (thanks Megan)
Stop hitting your wiener.
Stop dancing on that table. (thanks Incompetent Hasfrau)
You can sleep with your sister but only for tonight.
Come here so I can wipe you.
Go get in the tub with your brother.
Did you pee in your pants?
You have to blow harder than that.
Make sure you wash your bottom really good.
Get off that pole.
Stop humping the dog.
No I don't want to see your poop.
I'm so proud of you! You counted to ten!
*pull back of pants out, peer down inside*
I'm not getting soap in your peepee.
She said she was sorry for spanking your monkey.
Stop licking him!
Get your finger out of your butt.
Put your clothes back on.
Go get in the shower with Mommy.
Stop eating your booger (thank you Elisa)

I know I missed a lot. Feel free to leave them
in the comments section and i'll add them to the list.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Eyebrows and cocktails.

These two should NEVER be mixed.
youtube version here


Pumpkin spice liquor
Goldshlagger (is there any way to 
pronounce that without sounding
Whipped Cream Vodka
Regular Absolut Vodka
Half and Half
Serve VERY chilled in martini glass. 

Thursday, November 10, 2011

There's PMSing, and then there's MSing.

Once a month I find myself asking myself some very important questions.

If I've lost so many bodily fluids, why don't I feel lightheaded or dizzy?
What is the best way to hide a dead body?
Is it in poor taste to tell the checker to "fuck off" when he asks me how my day is?
Can a whole box of brownies constitute as a meal?
If I lock myself in the bathroom how long until someone notices I'm gone?
Is it normal to cry over the death of the young turkey now resting peacefully in my freezer?
Is it normal to cry because I couldn't find my keys?
When did my fat clothes get so small?
Is there any other animal on the planet that can bleed for 5 days and not die?
I wonder if I can make a wine helmet, complete with 2 straws.... since I'm a multi-tasking mommy and I need my hands free.
Who decided white sheets would look good in my bedroom?
Can I eat hot dogs for breakfast?
I wonder if exercise is good for cramps.... I'll have to find someone who actually does that.
Who keeps touching the thermostat?
I wonder how much my kids will go for on e-bay?
Why is my husband avoiding me?
Can I make these pimples look like beauty marks if I put brown eyeliner on them?
Can I pull off these velour pants if I wear them with nice shoes?
I'm not going anywhere today. To hell with the world.

Now excuse me... I have 12 chocolate chip cookies I have to go devour.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Murphy's Laws: with kids

Murphy's Laws:
(when you have kids)

  1. Clean sheets = spontaneous bed wetting
  2. Fresh mopped floor = oil spill (true story, but no evidence. From The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva.)
  3. Favorite food bought in bulk = sudden disinterest in favorite food
  4. New clothes = growth spurt
  5. Bedtime routine perfected = day light savings 
  6. Mother with a hangover = classmates birthday party
  7. Brand new toy =  packaging is more fun
  8. Babysitter = good behavior 
  9. New phone = tub of water
  10. On time to school = forgot homework at home
  11. Brand new dishes = child breaks one
  12. First day of new job = child gets flu (I highly recommend Little White Lion's article)
  13. 2 hours spent on a lovely meal = they want hot dogs
  14. Unexpected check in the mail = tire blows out
  15. Second day of diet = you are volunteered to make 3 dozen cupcakes
  16. Finally get around to cutting that melon = it's gone bad
  17. Clean white shirt = meets child's marker (when will we learn that we can only wear the color black when we have children??)
  18. Empty tank of gas = emergency carpool leader
  19. Expensive wine = knocked over on floor
  20. They finally like grilled cheese sandwiches = just not at a restaurant after you've already ordered it. 
  21. "I want ice cream" = "I didn't want chocolate ice cream!"
  22. You shower, shave, dab some perfume, climb into bed.... = child has nightmare, needs to sleep with you. 

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Why I Love Winter

It's true: I love it. I'll tell you why.

  1. Rain- I have a darling pair of rain-boots.
  2. Flooding- I feel like I get my money's worth out of my kayak. 
  3. Power Outages- I love a legitimate excuse to sleep in and drop my kids off late. 
  4. Cold Air- I look fantastic with a cold, wet nose. It makes me think of cute puppies. 
  5. Vitamin D is sooooooo overrated. 
  6. Soup is my favorite meal to prepare. 
  7. My children play so much better indoors than outdoors. 
  8. Snow- Shoveling the sidewalk is the P90X of winter outdoor workouts. Buffed arms by spring! 
  9. Sitting on a cold toilet seat in the morning really is better than a cup of coffee to wake you up. Cheaper too!
  10. I save so much money not getting pedicures. 
  11. Ice- it's makes you more graceful than ballet. 
  12. My cracked, dry hands are just an excuse to do paraffin treatments. 
  13. Holidays- seeing all that family.
  14. Seeing all that family- drinking all those booze to cope.
  15. It's really fun carving designs in ice/frost covered car windows. 
So there you have it. Some of the reasons why I embrace winter. 

Friday, November 4, 2011


My 30 day challenge- I told it to take a flying leap. Well, sort of. I caught a cold. I promise I will try to do better. 

My daughters toys- Her room has never been cleaner, she only whined about her toys once and honestly, neither one of us misses them very much.

The marshmallow jar- still enough, still wielding MUCH power. I love you marshmallow jar. Never leave me. 

I also think I'm psychic. Why?  Because I see a cocktail video in your future. 

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Safety First.

"If you knew that every time you got in a car and did not put on a seat-belt you would get into an accident, would you start putting on your seat-belt? If you got into an accident your life would be changed FOREVER, due to possible paralysis, brain damage, or death.  If putting on a seat-belt meant that you wouldn't crash, would you wear it? Even if you didn't like the way it felt or it made you uncomfortable, would you put it on? Remember, seat-belts save lives"

That's my opening line when I tell my kids about the birds and the bees.

I'm still coming up with my rebuttal for when they say, "what if I'm riding in the trunk?"

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Sometimes I get real.

Today, shit got real.

 I'm not always an asshole or a jokester. So here goes the story: I was reading Rants from MommyLand (click on the link and it will take you to the specific article I'm referring to) It's about 1st world problems.  I suggest you read that before continuing any further. I'll wait.
 Other people refer to it as "humble brags"  Here's an example....
"I bought a pair of Louboutin's but they don't match my Louis. *pouty face*"

Get the idea?

Ok, moving on. Today while getting groceries we had to wait in line. Me and the two kids. For a long time. Like, a REALLY long time. *side note- I feel really bad for people on welfare, or WIC or using EBT. Well I feel bad for many reasons, but one reason is for the pain in the ass at check-out. Something always goes wrong. Without fail. They're not trying to hold up the line*   So that was the case today. I was the 4th customer back. I was OK waiting though. There was nowhere else I needed to be, I wasn't late and I understand that shit happens.

My daughter, on the other hand, felt the need to express her dislike of waiting.
I yanked her close to me and said,
"Did you know, there are kids in this world that don't have food to eat? There are kids who are hungry, and don't get to eat breakfast, lunch, snacks or dinner. Not even dessert. There are kids that don't live near grocery stores. There are kids whose parents don't have money for food so they don't eat. We have money for food, you are not hungry, and it is OK to have to wait in line for our groceries. DO.YOU.UNDERSTAND.ME?"

Her eyes got big and she asked "There are kids that don't have food?!? But how do they eat?" I said "They don't. They get very, very sick, and some of them die."

She thought about it, and said "well can I still play while we're waiting?"

I was getting pissed at the people walking by that were saying "What's this shit about?" and just huffing and puffing about having to wait. If they weren't old people I would have said something.

When I got to the front of the line the cashier was flustered, obviously trying to make up for lost time. I told him "It's OK. Take a deep breath. I'm not in a hurry. At least I have money for food and the resources so close to home. I'll wait if I have to. It's OK."

The bagger looked at me and said "I wish more people thought like you"
"You and me both lady!" I couldn't help but reply back.

I looked back at the people in my line and said in a loud, clear voice "At least we have food. Even if we had to wait an extra 10 minutes to pay for it" and then I turned around and left.