Thursday, August 29, 2013

It's a school post



When the First Day of School came around I made sure I drank a bottle of wine the night before. I left the kitchen dirty and didn't lay out the kids' outfits. The next morning I made school lunches out of whatever I had on hand. Which ended up being some pretty good stuff, so they got lucky. Breakfast was oatmeal. One was too hot and the other was too cold. I didn't style my daughter's hair because she thought it looked pretty the way it was (half up and half down). I barely found a Sharpie to write their names on their sweaters, backpacks and lunch bags.

We headed out the door to walk to school. I didn't walk my daughter all the way to her class because she spotted her pal and went with her. I was on the phone with  Mr. CEO so I just waved my son ahead and yelled "good luck!" to his back. Then I left.

I made sure I picked them up a little late. Don't want to seem to eager. I also didn't wear any makeup.

If there's anything I've learned as a mother (and wife for that matter) it's not to set the bar too high.  If they go a week with every outfit laid out perfectly clean and pressed then what happens on that morning you sleep in and are digging through the dirty laundry to find the cleanest shirt for them to wear? Lower your standards and theirs. Even the teachers! Don't sign and return all the forms right away.  They'll come to expect it if you're on time with everything. Lower the bar and when you pull good shit off you'll look like a damn hero.  I don't go the extra mile. I save that kind of stuff for when it's really important. Like school reports or dioramas.

Your kids love you no matter what. You don't get graded every Friday for how well you did. Other moms are not comparing notes to see who is doing a better job. So go easy on yourself.
Relax, it's just life.


Monday, August 12, 2013

A Dream Blog


When I was in high school I didn't graduate on time. I had a P.E. class that I ditched too many times and received an "incomplete". I was not allowed to walk at graduation or wear my cap and gown. I had to sit up in the stands with all the friends and family and pretty much cry through it. My own fault, but still. I had to sign up for summer school P.E. as an 18 year old who was finished with high school. The humiliation was great. My first summer after 'graduating' and I was stuck with a bunch of freshman and sophomore misfits playing dodgeball in one of the more run down schools.


I remember this one day I was so hungover from cheap margaritas and loads of tequila shots that I was actually sweating out margaritas. I stunk. 

I finished in a few weeks no worse for the wear and my dear friend, C and her mother threw me a graduation party. I wore my cap and gown and walked around the pool while they sang the graduation song.  It sounded like this "daaaaa da da da daaaaaaa daaaa. daaaaaa da da da daaaaaaa" if you said that out loud, congratulations! You could have been in the choir because that's what it sounded like. The school mailed me my diploma and I stuffed my face in my graduation cake. LITERALLY. It was everywhere.

Ever since then I have dreams that I have to go back to school. At 33 years old. And I'm trying to play it off like I'm one of them. Last night's dream had me back in PE. Two dancers came in and taught us this dance routine we were going to learn. Very fast and very complicated. I was worried because I obviously 1) can't learn that fast 2) can't move that fast and 3) can't even think that fast. I looked down at my glorious muffin top bursting out of the top of my pants and my tank top that wasn't holding anything in. *sigh* This wasn't going to be easy and it wasn't going to look pretty.  Everyone in the class started trying, learning step by step. I wasn't interested and since one of the male dancer was attractive I kept messing with my hair. up, down. up, down. I got up and walked to the back of the class to take off my denim jacket. The teacher was grading papers. I remembered I had an assignment that I forgot to turn in.

Next thing I know my dad walks into the class.  He's not happy but he is wearing a bitchin' leather coat.   Let it be said that I WANT that coat for reals. Anyway he looks disappointed. He goes over to the teacher who hands him an assignment with the word INCOMPLETE across the top. My dad signs it, looks at me, shakes his head and walks away.

WHAT THE HELL?? I watch him walk away, then look at the teacher, then look at the paper which, by the way, is for a HISTORY class. I decided right then and there I'm going to blog about it and submit it to the school paper. Such injustice in the world!

Then I wake up. I'm lying in bed hearing Mr T yelling "STAY IN SCHOOL, FOOL!"


The reoccurring part is that I'm back in school. I hate back to school dreams.

So that's it. That's the blog. BUT. The WEIRDEST PART, is my dad. I haven't spoken to my dad in like, 8 months. and now he keeps popping up in my dreams. Weeeeeeeeeeeird.

Alright bitches, I'll be back with more tomorrow. I have things to get off my chest. =)

Saturday, April 27, 2013

The ABC's of drinking

The ABC's of drinking


A is for Absinthe
B is for Brewer
C is for Cognac
D is for Dewards

E is for Eggnog
F is for "FUUUUUUUCK!"
Not really a drink,
but you say it for luck.

G is for Gin
H is for Happy
your friends should be careful,
you tend to get slappy.

I is for ice
Can't drink without it
J is for J & B
K is for ____ no wait that starts with a c.

L is for liquor
M is for "MORE!"
N no I'm not drunk"
O  oooh shit you fell on the floor.

P is for Pisco
Q is for quarters
R is for rum
T is for texting. that doesn't rhyme
but you're too drunk to notice.

U is for ugly that's now a beauty queen
V is for vomit that everybody's seen
W is for wine, what else could it be?
X is for... something that is eluding me.

Y is for yodel on top of the bar
Z is for zzzzzzzzzzzzz, while we carry you to the car.


Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Unreasonable Anger- driving edition

Few things make me angry. Seriously. I'm proud of the fact that I'm pretty chill. If you follow me on facebook you'll see that rarely do I have complaints or tell people they're stupid or to fuck off. I don't get irritated enough at life that it warrants bitching about it on facebook. I even love Mondays.

BUT, let's not forget that I'm an incredible blend of Mexican and Italian so when I DO get angry, I fly off the handle in zero to sixty so hurry up go get some earphones and a helmet.

One such trigger is driving my kids to school. OH.MAH.GAD. THE intersection. I will break someone's face. It is not rocket science, it is not cooking a soufflĂ©, it is not trying to put a dress on a 4 month old. It is an intersection. An intersection right out of Satan's  joke book.

EXHIBIT A
OK. I'll do my best to explain this situation. There is ONE lane. There is that tiny non-lane on the right that people use to turn right. A bike lane. These one lane lanes in both directions are usually very long. So there is certain rhythm that happens. Most people are turning left. This makes it run very smoothly and gets many cars through the lights very quickly. Blinkers are KEY to this running smoothly. Thankfully people use them. It is CRUCIAL.

See how smooth that is running?
But every now and again some dickface asshole decides she can't wait and FUCKS UP THE ENTIRE SYSTEM.

BITCH IN GREEN

So from the back of the line asshole dickface drives in the bike line to pass everyone else then fucks up the flow for those poor people. Their line is equally long. What the fuck, bitch?? What did you gain, 2 seconds? Just wait your goddamn turn. We're all going to the same place, we're all driving at a reasonable speed. We'll get there WHEN WE GET THERE. It's just rude. It's ONE LANE. I can understand if maybe you're like, the #2 car and you just go around. I get that. But to come up from the BACK OF THE LINE?

So then I see her dropping off her kids. She parks, then SWINGS OPEN HER DOOR without even LOOKING. *swerve*  She's one of those people that has a "stressed to the max" look on her face CONSTANTLY.   Now asshole dickface is starting a trend. Now other people are starting to do it. It makes for a big clusterfuck mess with cars all over the intersection and it's just a dangerous situation. 


It makes me so mad that I think I'm just going to walk my kids to school. I try to set a good example and stay where I am. I love it when they go around me while I'm going straight because it PROVES MY MOTHERFUCKING POINT. 

I hate these people. I really do. 






Thursday, March 7, 2013

Enjoy working from Home? LIAR.

There has a been a lot of things written in the wake of Mrs. Yahoo CEO reporting everyone back to the office. Many sides are being taken. Some people think that working at home has proven to be a very productive thing for them and they'll fight for it. Others (of which I can only find a few) think
 that work should stay at work and home is home. Keep them separated if you want to stay focused, on track, and productive.

I, myself, have a VERY strong position on the matter. (There is a reason why I'm writing about this topic so late in the game. So just hold on to your hats and wait for it. I am also working through some shit and this is my process. You might not like what you're about to read)

Now where should I start? At the beginning. Yes. Quite right.

I call myself Home CEO because my husband is a CEO, much like that of Mrs. Yahoo CEO. He and I also agree with her, that employees should be at the office. So he has first hand experience with the situation from her viewpoint. I live with it so I can't help but agree because I see it daily. Now you know my position. Moving on....
We joke that he runs a business (that's not the joke by the way) and I run the "business" of home. Thus, Home CEO was born. It's no easy task as many of you Home CEO's out there can attest.

It is a one man show 

From the moment you wake up and clock in, to the moment you lay your head on your soft pillow at night and clock out. Many people think that stay at home moms (Home CEO's) just watch TV and  sit on the computer all day. Well yeah, that's probably true. I've had my days where I call in sick to "work".  When you do that though, the work is still waiting for you only now, it's doubled. Sort of like interest. You get charged INTEREST for your breaks and days off.  You can take a break, but you can't ignore the tasks that need to be done. They'll still be there. I'm not going to go down the laundry list of the stuff we do because we already know. 

Now take an office job. The work at hand is there. You know your tasks, you do them, or you don't, they're still there waiting for you, or you're fired. Unless you can outsource it or delegate it to someone else. If you did that at home... well it will cost you some $$. Also, if you slack off at work, you might not have that job tomorrow. So there are 2 jobs. The job at home and the job at the office. But you can't compare them, even though I'm trying to right now.

Ok so I've laid the ground work for you. Moms at home, people in the office... we've all been one or the other or both. So let's switch gears. 

Stay at home mothers who work from home. (This does not apply to anyone with a penis unless that penis is a Home CEO AND making money from home. If you have a penis, no kids and do graphic design at home this does not apply to you. Are you with me? Can we continue? Yes? good) 

All that being said, I have begun working from home. Now let me just say this: any stay at home mom who works from home and says she's "more productive" than at the office is  
A MOTHER FUCKING LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE. 

I'm not going to get into the details but I can't tell what's interfering more; my work to my house work, or vice versa. I hate stopping my work because I have to make someone breakfast, a snack, a lunch, dinner. Then I don't like having to work because I've got 3 baskets of dirty laundry, dry cleaning to be picked up and 4 overdue library books that need to be returned. But I'm not getting into details. So how are other people doing this? If I get off track do you know how long it takes me to get back? A long time. 

Working from home so you can be there for your kids? Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME? I'm constantly yelling at my kids to leave the room so I can have some peace to work. That's not right! 
Granted I am TERRIBLE at managing my time but if I was in an office, doing the work I'm getting paid to do.... I would be COMPLETELY done in 3 hours and wouldn't be writing blogs or fucking around on facebook. 

So I guess it all comes down to the individual. If you're going to work, do it in the office. If you have to work from home, don't LIE and say you're more productive and you enjoy being able to stay at home with your kids. Because you don't. You work at home because it's the only choice you have. At least be honest about it. Say "Yeah I work from home but man it takes some SERIOUS time management skills and will power. It's really hard but I have to do it" 
(Granted I don't HAVE to work. I just like it. and extra $$ is nice, not gonna lie)

Obviously this post will have people up in arms but I told you I was working my shit out. My blog is my therapy except there's no confidentiality agreement. Why can't everyone just AGREE with me? It would make life so much easier. Maybe I'm blowing this out of proportion. Maybe I should have written a second draft. Maybe I should stop drinking so early in the morning. WHO KNOWS. 

This message has been brought to you by the word "CEO" and the musical instrument "accordion"



Tuesday, February 26, 2013

ugh?

I just sat here writing this long winded blog about how i'm traveling and my kids got sick and i've been alone with them for 5 days and i've been drinking and blah blah blah blah and then it hit me: I'M NOT THAT INTERESTING.  so i decided to make a video instead. 

video


It goes to YouTube





Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Categorize your friends!


I have an idea. 

You know how you can break your facebook friends down into  groups? There’s acquaintances, close friends, etc. Well i’ve devised a way to categorize my facebook friends. So here, in no particular order are the categories:

  1. friends who will help you move (see also “friends with trucks”)
  2. friends who will pick you up from the airport
  3. friends that will pay for dinner
  4. friends that always “forget” their wallet
  5. friends that give good birthday gifts
  6. friends that have guest rooms in their house
  7. friends that drink (see also “friends that like wine”)
  8. friends that don’t drink (see “friends that are boring”)
  9. friends that will go out on a friday night (see “single friends”)
  10. friends with kids
  11. friends worth inviting over
  12. friends that like wine
  13. friends i will never see in real life
  14. friends i only accepted a request because i felt obligated
  15. friends with convertibles
  16. friends with trucks
  17. friends that are fun (see also “Friends that like wine”)
  18. friends that are depressing (this is an empty column because much like a trash bin it needs to be cleaned out)
  19. why am I still friends with these friends (see above)
  20. exes (i’m stunned that people are actually fb friends with their exes)
  21. Under 18 crowd (hide all posts due to too many acronyms)
  22. funny friends (not to be confused with “fun friends” not all fun friends are funny)
  23. friends who post too many pics of their kids
  24. friends who don’t post enough pics of their kids (Annie)
  25. friends who only stir up trouble (see #18)
  26. friends who leaves embarrassing comments on every post that you must go back later and delete
  27. lurkers (you know who you are)
  28. friends that aren’t really friends, they’re coworkers that I purposely omit from every update so they think i’m boring and don’t post at all but I really I just don’t want them to see into my personal life. 

I think that pretty much narrows it down. 

Monday, February 11, 2013

To split them or not to split them.

Lots of people have things they want me to write about. Some ideas are really interesting. Remember when I used to get writers block and I would have you guys give me a first sentence? Those exercises are SOO good for me.  Then there's times that I want to get really serious and heartfelt, but i'm not usually drunk when I write anymore so that's out.

So I've decided to write a blog asking you for advice. Advice that I will, in turn, totally ignore and do the opposite of.  So here we go.

My kids are 6 and 8 years old. My oldest is a boy with autism, and my youngest is a girl with "i want to rule the world" syndrome.

When we first moved into this house they each had their own room. Every night my daughter would ask my son if she could sleep in his bed. He always said yes but he didn't like to say yes. sometimes he just wanted to be alone.

This went on and on for about 2 months. She just couldn't, or didn't want to sleep alone.  So I disassembled his room and turned it into my craft/office room. They share a room now. 3 months later and my son has HAD IT. She is terribly messy and he is beyond neat. I let him reclaim half the office which is now his "office". the only thing in the other room is his dresser and the bed they share. I figure  they'll still be sharing a bed but at least now he has is own space.

Well now he's decided he can't do it anymore and he needs to completely break free of her. He needs to be on his own and she needs to learn how to be alone.

So the question is: how do we break her habit of not sleeping alone?

p.s. since his bed is now in the guest room I think I want to buy him  a cute little twin size bed. Something small and only big enough for 1.

What say you?

Thursday, January 31, 2013

To write or not to write.....

I recently scored a writing job. A PAID writing job.  (I know right??) My skills are a bit rusty so I'm using my blog as a way to revamp my skills, get all my inappropriateness out of the way, and see if I can't sound more mature. -side note- inappropriateness is actually a word. Shocking, I know.

So here we go. Getting ready to write.


writing

pressing enter

yes. i can feel the creative juices flowing...... maybe I shouldn't have quit drinking coffee....... oh maybe I can have some tea. Tea isn't so bad. Then I have to walk downstairs, boil the water, steep it, carry it up here.... no i don't need tea. I'm totally capable of doing this on my own. Just me and my head. My head and I? no, definitely me and my head.

Maybe I can write about something that has happened to me recently. Something... scandalous? No nothing scandalous going on. Something annoying? No, people get annoyed every day, they don't want to hear me complain. Hmmmmmmm. Jeez I really need a manicure.  DAMMIT FOCUS, LADY!

OK. For real this time. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand ACTION!

On deciding what to write I will list the things I do NOT want to write about.

  • yes! bullet points! I love me some bullet points. 
  • Complaining. None of that. I am a grown woman. 
  • .
  • .
  • .
  • .

I'll come back to that. OK, maybe things I AM willing to write about.
  • Food? Possibly. 
  • Recipes? Perhaps.
  • Wine? Well DUH.
  • New year's resolutions? 
SEE?!?! This is why I quit blogging in the first place. Maybe i will stick to videos. I hope my new employer doesn't mind videos. 

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Monogamy and Hair

I think that finding the right hair stylist is like finding a mate. Your always searching until you find, THE ONE. The one you want to be with forever. The one that makes you feel better after a bad day. The one that will massage your scalp when you say "I have a headache", the one you can talk, really talk to. When you find the one, you want to exchange vows till death do you part.

I had quite a few one night stands looking for the right hairstylist. I'd find them in cheap strip malls. Or even high end salons. They always left me feeling unsatisfied.  It was the same thing all the time. You go in, they do their business, they ask you to call in 6 weeks, you say you will but you never do. You NEVER do.

Often I found myself trimming my own hair. Maybe a quick bang trim. Or doing my own color. I'm not ashamed to admit it. Everyone does it anyway.

It was 5 years ago that I found my ONE. I called the award winning salon in my town. Asked who was the best with color and who's book was always full. I wanted to know who had the longest wait, because THAT was line I wanted to be in.  And so I waited. Luckily 3 days later there was an opening.  I yelled HELL YEAH and I took the earlier appointment. My girl did NOT disappoint. She was incredible. Her speeding fingers threading her poking thing through strands of hair. Foil flying, bleach brush brushing. She was very quiet and just did her job. 2 hours later I was full blown BLONDE. I had walked in with copper hair and came out a bright, beautiful blonde. I was finally satisfied! If I smoked I would have then and there.  She wanted me to call her in 6 weeks. I did one better, I called her in 3. I get a cut at the 3 week mark, color at the next 3 week mark (where she does a freebie trim), then next 3 weeks cut, etc. etc.

She moved around from salon to salon. I followed her to every one. My love knew no distance. Luckily she never went very far. My last visit to her was March 15. The day I left my home to move to another. I told her we could still see each other. Like holidays and long weekends. She expressed to me that if I found someone else, she would be OK with that. She just wanted me to be happy.

In all my travels I never strayed. She had given me a cut to last the months of grown out I would experience. 5 months and my hair was still great. In need of a trim... but it was still a great cut with many options.

It was in October that I started to realize that my hair had needs. I couldn't satisfy these needs myself. It was too big of a job.  I did the unthinkable. I went to a walk-in salon and got a hair cut.
I cried all the way home. I shampooed three times. I'm not proud of what I did. Was it worth it? No.
Just today I called my girl and told her I would be in town soon and could we get together.

The problem with cheating on your stylist is that they KNOW. You can not hide it from them. It's like an STD and they're the only ones with a cure. So you walk in with Herpes Hair and THEY have to clean it all up.  She's going to see my herpes hair and know. I'll have to confess and tell her i'm sorry. I'll tell her I was lonely, that I had needs and that we were too far apart. She'll say it's OK and she'll be glad I came to her.

So I'm going to see her and let her know I'm in it for the long haul, long distance be damned. She's the only stylist I want to be monogynous with.