Friday, June 24, 2011

Green Eggs and Ham

I love ham. Especially for breakfast. With eggs. Love love love it. I could never understand why that guy didn't want to try Sam's green eggs and ham. I'm forced to believe it's for religious reasons. Maybe he was Hindu, or Jewish (can they eat pork?) or Muslim. Let's say he's Muslim.  Some religions don't drink, some don't commit adultery, some don't eat pork. Whatever. R.E.S.P.E.C.T. the religion. So we'll call him, Tim. Tim the Muslim.

Now, of course.... if you're Muslim, ham is a no-no.  Now let's say Tim is sort of a, on-the-fence Muslim. Maybe he's tried bacon before. It was probably an accident, like someone put some in his omelette. He probably loved it, but because he loved it so much he felt super guilty about it. He's probably really vulnerable to a relapse. Maybe Sam knows that.

So now we have Sam waving this plate of ham in front of Tim's face. Tim probably thinks Sam is the devil and is here to test him or something. But Tim is not an idiot. He knows that ham is not supposed to be green. How appealing can this be? ~~~~~>

Upon further inspection Tim probably thinks Sam wants to poison him. He thinks Sam is looking for an alibi so he's trying to get him to eat it with a goat on a boat or in a house with a mouse or in a box with a fox. That way Sam's name stays clean. By the time they find Tim's body in a box, or in the ocean, or in that house Sam will be long gone to Mexico. But what the hell did Tim do to deserve this?? If it's because of his religion there are much better religions to poison first.

Tim is getting pretty upset now. He's fed up, he just wants to be left alone so he can read his newspaper. Sam is sweating bullets wondering how the hell he's going to get this aged, mutated, possibly poisoned, or salmonella laden pork off his hands.

I'm going to tell you a secret though. Here's where Sam made his critical mistake. He didn't offer Tim any cheese. Anyone who eats ham and eggs knows that you can't eat it without cheese. HELLO! Denver omelette anyone?
"I'll take 'ultimate toppers for $400 Alex"
"On ham and eggs, it's a melting pot"
"what is 'cheese' Alex"
"Correct! for $400"
Even Jeopardy knows that.

If Sam had just offered up some green cheese he could have sealed the deal by page 4. Religion or not, no one can resist the awesome power and might of cheese. Every woman knows you only look as good as your accessories. This accessory, my friend, is the perfect accompaniment for green eggs and ham. Get it right Seuss.

click me once!!!

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