Tuesday, September 27, 2011

I was walking through my back yard....

First sentence brought to you by: Lauren Wantstokickpeople Wright 

I was walking through my back yard and the neighbor's fucking unicorn had shit out glitter next to my roses again.

That bastard! No matter how many times I tell that ho to keep her unicorn OFF my property she still does it! Glitter is the herpes of the art and crafts world. There's no getting rid of it. 
Sometimes I won't notice until after I've already stepped in it. Then on the way to work people are like, "umm, I think you stepped in glitter" and I check the bottom of my shoe and sure as shit there's glitter. Now i've just tracked it ALL over my car, my house, my office. 

Look, I realize that unicorns have to go. I get it. Really I do. But on MY lawn? Next to MY roses? What if my roses got glitter on them?? What then?? We're miles away from Valentine's Day. They would have to get chucked into the bin. 

What about a litter box? Or a "glitter box" for the unicorn to go into. That might work. Maybe fixing the problem isn't the answer. Maybe revenge is the answer. Maybe I should collect all the glitter from the unicorn, collect it in a 5 gallon bucket and put it above my neighbors door. That way, when they open the door, all the glitter falls on their head!  

Or I'll just let me leprachaun shit clovers all over their yard. Although come to think of it, that might be an improvement. Or I could get him drunk so he'll puke lucky charms. That might bring them good luck though.  

Ok, 5 gallon bucket of unicorn shit here I come! 


  1. Hahaha! How do you think of this stuff? You are so funny!! Honest!

    P.S. thanks for the compliment! :-)


  2. "Glitter is the herpes of the art and crafts world." Ain't that the truth? My in-laws used to put that confetti/glitter crap in our B-day cards and it ALWAYS spilled EVERYWHERE!!! I'd see it for months after that. Sorry...I digress. Great post, girl. You crack me up.