First sentence provided by: Emma Jost
As I walked to work through the skyway one morning, a crazy drunk guy in a motorized wheelchair stopped me and asked, "Have you heard the good news?"
"liver failure is a myth?"
"Don't be ridiculous. I said GOOD news, not OLD news."
"So do you want to hear the good news?"
"You shit your pants"
"Yes. No. Well, yes I did, but that's not the news. Can you be serious?"
"Can you stand up and say the alphabet backwards?"
"why do you have to be so rude?"
"why do you have to be so drunk?"
"It's a DISEASE, OK?"
"Have you seen a doctor?"
"No, but I know"
"Alrighty it's been nice chatting with you but I have to get to work"
"Oh right, but wait! What about the good news? Don't you want to hear?"
"You're going to become a student driver instructor?"
"Why are you so mouthy?!"
"Look I spent a lot of money on these lip injections, I'll be damned if I don't get my money's worth"
"If someone told me that they had good news I would listen"
"Look, good news to you, and good news to me are not the same. Did the price of Bourbon go down?"
"I drink whiskey, and I don't like your attitude. "
"I don't like your breath. Now get out of my way"
"No, not until you listen to me"
"No, I don't have to"
"Now look here missy, I've got something to tell you!"
"You're out of booze?"
"No. Well, yeah that too. But are you going to listen to me or not?"
"If by 'listen' you mean 'smell' than I already have"
"well fine. If you don't want to hear the good news I won't tell you"
"Glad we see eye to eye on this"
"But why don't you want to hear the good news?"
"Because now i'm late for work"
"Well that's what I've been trying to tell you."
"Wow, you're more drunk than I thought you were"
"Your office is closed"
"Why didn't you just say "the office is closed"?"
"Probably because I'm drunk"