Monday, September 12, 2011


I was thinking last night about gay marriage and how I'm all for it. I thought about the people that are against it and their arguments. Like "they'll soil the sanctity of marriage". I hate to tell them this... but there are plenty of straight marriages doing that right now.

I bet divorce attorneys are pro-gay marriage.

Anyway, another thing that people say is "what's next, a man wanting to marry his dog??"  I don't know how they always jump to bestiality. When in the history of, oh say.... EVER has a human wanted to marry an animal? Man's best friend is called that for a reason. They're just friends. There's nothing romantic going on. So then THAT got me thinking about inanimate objects getting married. Here's what I came up with: (I was hungry at the time so it's all about food)

Tortillas and salsa were high school sweethearts. They broke up after high school, and tortillas had a passionate, 6 month love affair with guacamole. Tortillas ended up settling down with cheese.

Peanut butter is a polygamist. Sister wives include: jelly, chocolate, honey and banana.

Burgers and fries. Not married actually. Not even dating. They're just friends. Purely platonic.

Burgers and beer however...... are married. Fries is just the beard. 

Meatloaf and mashed potatoes grew up together and were young lovers. Until meatloaf decided that the grass was greener on the other side. Meatloaf marries brown rice, much to the dismay of corn and peas. It's a loveless marriage and meatloaf often dreams of the days it spent with mashed potatoes.

Speaking of potatoes.... The Potato is a whore. She's super slutty and tells her partners "how would you like it? Fried, boiled, mashed, scalloped... " etc. etc.  Skank. But she's good.

Cheerios used to date white milk until it discovered chocolate milk. (The sensual side of breakfast) They don't get married but they're monogamous and are considered common law. They decided against marriage because they don't need a piece of paper to define their love.

Ham and cheese are in love. Always have been. Got married young, bought a house, had kids... they enjoy sitting on their porch swing drinking iced tea holding hands.

Milk and cookies are pretty much just in it for the sex. Late night hookups mostly. They don't date and they're not in love.... yet.

Root Beer and vanilla ice cream. Best Friends. Not dating, not married. Root Beer is gay and so is vanilla ice cream, but not for each other. Which leads me to....

Cake and Ice Cream. Ice Cream moved in with Cake after the first date and they've been together ever since.  They've also adopted 3 adorable cake pops. Cake makes Ice Cream laugh, and Ice Cream is very supportive of Cake's crazy endeavors. (hello! Red Velvet)

Bagels and Cream Cheese. Bagels is much older than Cream Cheese. Their parents set them up when Cream Cheese was still a kid. When Cream Cheese came of age they wed and they've actually grown to love each other very much.

Turkey, Bacon and Avocado. Don't ask. they're usually stoned and anything sounds good when you're stoned.

Now Apples and Oranges.... that's just sick. If you're going to let them get married then next chairs are going to want to marry tables and men are going to want to marry horses. What a bunch of deviants.


  1. Brilliant! Although T,B,A sounds awesome even stone cold sober.

  2. Apples and Oranges are just going to ruin it for the rest of us. ;)