I'm probably the last person you would ever....

First sentence brought to you by: Lindsay Curtis Davis


"I'm probably the last person you would ever want advice from, but the hobbit in the woods said your lover is trying to kill you by poisonous grandmotherly  kisses.


First of all, Huntsman, he's a Dwarf, not a "hobbit". Second of all, after eating that poisonous apple my step-mother gave me I've built up a tolerance to poison. Third of all, the only reason why my "lover" is trying to kill me is because we went 5 days without sex. OK? 5 freakin' days. That's why I use the term "lover" loosely. Honestly, I'm so tired after a day of cooking, cleaning, and making lunches for the 7 dwarfs I hardly have enough energy to check my email let alone have sex! Especially with another person.

Ultimately the joke is on him. I've built an immunity to iocaine powder. The next time I see my lover I will place iocaine powder on my lips. When we kiss, my lover will suffer the wrath that he brought on himself. I don't need him anyway. Think about it, 7 men who come up to my middle, or one man who can't find "the middle".  

I'll stay with the dwarfs.