Wednesday, April 6, 2011

I'm not a perfect mom

Nor do I want to be.

Sometimes my kids will go DAYS without eating a vegetable.
They've worn dirty clothes to school.
I've sent them to school with a Lunchable as their lunch.
I let them sleep on the couch because I haven't changed their sheets.
I am not a handwashing gustapo.
Sometimes they wash their own bottom, sometimes they don't. I don't always check.
I let them watch 2 movies back to back at home.
I bribe them with ice cream to bend them to my will. (i.e. leave this godforsaken park)
They don't take a bath EVERY night.
My car is dirty.
My house is covered in toys.
Midget #1 is late to school 99% of the time.
Diva yells "god dammit!" at the dog.
sometimes they eat cereal for dinner. (ok, a LOT of times)
My kids can refill my wine without spilling.

And you know what? I'm ok with that. I am normal. You know who is NOT normal?

Hand sanitizer moms. how do you think kids build up their immune system? I let my kids eat off the floor at a VERY young age for that very reason.

Mom's who pay an ungodly amount of money to send their kid to a school so they can say "my kid goes to "such and such" school"". Yeah?  And they know 3 four-letter words that they use  often behind your back.

Organic moms. I admit, i try to give my kids organic as much as possible. BUT- I will not deny them food when we are at parties, events, dinners, restaurants, etc. Feed them whatever you want at home but don't insult your hosts by bringing your own prepared organic dinners and snacks.

the "my kids don't eat sugar" mom
Yeah right. Turn your back and watch how much they suck down. they're doing lines of pixie sticks that would impress Charlie Sheen. WINNING!

Actually, sugar i DO monitor (but it is not off limits). Only because it turns my little ones into wee crackheads. I could care less what sugar does in the long run to my kids. Alzheimer's, tweak eye, diabetes, osteoporosis, whatever. What I care about is my spawn acting like jail bird monkeys running amuck while my uncle is showing his new snuff film*. Talk about rude.

Clean house mom. How is your kid doing without his Ritalin?

Volunteer mom. Get a hobby. You obviously are trying to hide a deep dark secret and therefore must portray a vigilant, volunteer image so no one suspects you have a dead body in your basement, or mold in your shower.

I know i'm leaving out a bunch of mom's. If i've missed any, send me an email and i'll make a new list.

All the reason's I listed for me being a bad mom... are all the reasons why my kids think I am AWESOME. Diva tells me on a daily, if not hourly basis, what a good mom I am. Today I washed and folded her favorite shirt. it WAS hot pink on the outside, and white on this inside (one of those built in shrug things on it) well.... in the wash the hot pink turned the white into regular pink. The only way she could have been more impressed would be if I said "abracadabra" before I pulled it out into plain view. She ran up to me, tackled me with a hug and said "YOU'RE THE BEST MOM EVER!"

She says this a lot which leads me to believe.... I am a perfect mom. Even if it's just in her eyes. I can live with that.
My kids love me for all of my faults. They don't love because i drive them to soccer, ballet, and art class on time. They don't love me because i parade them and their accomplishments around. They love me because I love them and my missteps are their reward.

*my uncle does not, in fact, make snuff films. Boring home videos, maybe, snuff films.... unfortunately no.


  1. Oh... my...gad! I think I love you!! I have read all your blogs from past to present (in the past week) up until this one. I have all intentions to keep reading. Your are bluntly honest and it is so amusing. Everything you write sounds like me just worded much more genius. I have found a new addiction, ready your wonderful words on a mother's life. I am a wine loving, laundry folding, Real Housewives watching Mother an can totally relate to you! Please don't ever stop righting your blogs.

  2. @DivaKeeperx3
    and i love YOU random citizen!!

    ;) thanks. you made me feel all tingly inside.