Sunday, April 17, 2011

Airport rants

I knew coming to the airport  today would offer up much fodder for my next blog post. It didn't disappoint me. Here are some airport rants, direct for your reading pleasure. 

People waiting in line at airport security- you do not need to stand closer to me in hopes that I will take one step forward because the person in front of me did this. I am quite comfortable with the amount of space I have accumulated in this line. Do not ruin it for me. 

Sometimes people forget to take off their watch, sometimes they forget to take out their laptop. Sometimes you are delayed in this line for 30 more seconds (possibly less) because of this. SO WHAT. Unless your plane is boarding AT THIS MOMENT calm the F*&% down. We're in this together. 
Which leads me to this.....

Whenever I get to the security gate and I have my buckets full of my belongings and I stand there waiting for them to wave me through the metal detector... I start sweating. What if I fail this test? What if the people behind me start yelling? What if they *gasp* start rolling their eyes and letting out audible sighs??? what am I supposed to do?
The pressure is too much and I've sweated through my shirt. Why did I check my damn bag??

Airport security, you know they’re smooth when they can unhinge your bra strap with out you noticing.  She must have experience. Why was she winking at me?

What about airport bars? Where the hell are the cool people drinking? Because they are certainly not at the bars that I’m at. Oh my god. I’m not cool. 

Have you noticed how everyone at an airport seems so hurried even though most flight are running late? Are you glad you hurried to the seat you’re going to sit in for an hour and a half? Don’t get too comfortable; your gate is going to be changed.

On flying with kids. People, families have to fly too. Until they make  a “business only” flight you are out of luck. So suck it up. Don’t you have kids? Don’t you know someone with kids? Are you aware of the amount of liquor parents consume because of that? It  is hard. Traveling with kids sucks so please aim your look of impatience, disgust and “over it” attitude somewhere else.  Please.

Attention douchebag: just because we are stuck at this god forsaken gate together does not mean you should strike up a conversation with me. I’m not sure what part of my “leave me alone” set up you didn’t get. Was it the headphones? The texting? The rapid fire typing on my laptap? I am busy and in a hurry I don’t have time to talk.  Even though I’m stuck here for at least another hour.

We need to be able to drink at the gate. We've got LOTS of time to kill. More time, more booze, more money for the airport... I mean,  does it look like we’re driving anywhere?  We have a certified pilot to fly our drunk asses to where we need to go. Call it, glorified air taxi.  The kind you don’t have to tip.

Why do strangers STILL ask us if we can “keep an eye on their bag while they talk to the gate attendant”? Hey- do you not hear all the announcements about not leaving your baggage unattended? Oh- but that doesn’t apply to you.

Also- loud lady on your cell phone- the person on the other end can hear you just fine. You don’t need to raise your decibel level. Lucky for us we all know that your rash has cleared up just fine. Good luck finding anyone who will sit next to you.

Lady with the expensive hair- you are not special, your social ranking does not get you any perks in an airport. You are a drone just like the rest of us. Now- if you were in a wheelchair that would be another story. Look into breaking your hip for your next flight.

Luckily not all flight experiences are this obnoxious. My flight home was quite uneventful and smooth. They did hand me a red piece of paper and told me I needed to hand it to the next officer I saw... which I did not. whoops. 

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