Thursday, October 6, 2011

I'm a jokester. Or an asshole.

I can never decide which it is. Either way, I'm having fun. Today I had my annual woman exam. A day I look forward to all year. I look forward to it as much as Halloween. Today I showed up to my appt wearing these:

My doctor said "nice socks"
I said "Well you know, presentation is everything"
It also gets pretty chilly in those stirrups. 

Next time I go I want to throw on some glitter down there. That doctor will have glitter on her for the WHOLE DAY. It'll be on the floor. They'll be tracking it through the office. Patients will come in thinking "Did they have a party in here? Is it someone's birthday?"

Or maybe I'll put some red lipstick on down there. When the doctor looks puzzled I'll just say "Look, I don't expect YOU to understand my forward thinking when it comes to fashion and style. Vagazzle? SOOOOOO last year. I'm a classy lady. I prefer my lips have Loreal's "Seduction" red lipstick, not cheap rhinestones"

Maybe I'll get some fantastic henna tattoo on the insides of my thighs. Like, a picture of a hand reaching up my thigh. Then say "Hurry up doc he's going to beat you!"

Or I'll just put a biohazard sticker on my hoo-hah. The doctor will have to take it off and then I can say "OK, but you were warned"

How about a new year's popper. When the doc ducks under the drape, release the popper. (I sound like Liam Neeson in "Clash of the Titans". RELEASE THE KRACKEN POPPER!) Tell the doctor that he's your vagina's 1 millionth customer and would he like to claim his prize?

I know I did a blog post similar to this before. But honestly I'm too lazy to go back and search for it. It was something about how gynos should also include waxing in their list of services they provide and how awesome that insurance would cover it. 

Anyway. It's all over now, and I'll have to wait until next year for my next gynecological exam costume. 

I wonder if my doctor gets irritated that at the end of the exam I say "Are you going to call me?"


  1. Ok, I laughed out loud at "he's your vagina's 1 millionth customer and would he like to claim his prize?" Fabulous! Personally I like to place little messages or prizes know, like in a fortune cookie or a cracker jack box. It gets the doctor all excited, never knowing what he might win. And let's face it, after three kids, I could probably fit a sports car inside. "HELLOOO?" Hear the echo?

  2. ok.... not gonna lie i was both very entertained and deeply disturbed by this... however i have to agree that would make the job a lot more fun if everyone was like that... long as they didnt have crotch rott... nothing would make that fun because lets face it its not like the doctor really gets the full enjoyment of what they working with... cuz if he did, well i just might go back to school to become a vagina doctor! lol

  3. Hahaha, I knew a girl once who put body spray down their to freshen up and didn't realize it was her little girl's and had glitter in it. So she was all glittery down there and teh doc says, "oh, you didn't have to dress up for me." hahahahaha

  4. Hahaa!!nice funny post!!Also, I thought you mom's may be interested in the newest kids craze in my town, Patch Hats! Check out a hat you have never seen before here at

  5. @Lola

    a fortune cookie??? holy crap that's funny!

  6. You are disgusting. DISGUSTINGLY GREAT! It makes me sick how wonderfully awesome you are. If I were a lesbian, I would totally want you. : )

  7. You are wonderfully amusing!! Love your blogs! This story made me laugh and brought back memories from my early 20's and my yearly exam when the doctor was silly enough to ask me (while still down there mind you) "are you alright?" My response: "aside from feeling like your Jim Henson & i'm the Cookie Monster, I'm fine". Needless to say, i wish i would've answered instead with a simple "yes" seeing as the doctor had to STOP the exam to stop laughing before he could reinsert the fricken shoe horn and start all over again. Thanks for the laughs! :)