It was a dark, scary night in the park.....

First sentence generously provided by: Adriana Sanchez-Vazquez 










It was a dark scary night in the park when the girl wakes up and finds herself tied to a tree.


"Dammit" she thought "no more Ambien for me".  How long had she been there? How would
she get herself out of this situation? One thing was for sure, she was stuck. She looked
around her and found a sign written by her own hand. It read:

SAVE THIS TREE! NO MORE PEE!

Earlier that day she had been in the park with her own dog. She watched as she witnessed a homeless man urinate on the tree. A tree that the local dogs loved to pee on. Now, they were forced to find a fire hydrant to pee on. It was awful. That tree was supposed to be for the dogs! How dare he. She had considered campaigning to save  the tree from transient urine. She had considered writing up a petition and having all the people who used the park to sign it. Maybe they could build a fence around the tree with slits that only the dogs could use. 

She thought it over and over for the rest of the night. She could barely enjoy her hamburger helper dinner. 

Her dog, Mr. Jiggles, sat at her feet while she tapped her fork against her plate. 

"I've got to do something about that tree. Maybe I'll tie myself to it and protest!"  She decided she would

look into the legal ramifications of tying herself to a tree. 

It was all coming back to her now, and she sat shivering in the cold  in her pajamas. The great thing about Ambien is that it allows you to do things you wouldn't normally do. Things you WANT to do, but just don't have the balls to do. Or the better judgement to do.  She realized that the reason for the shivering was that she was wet! She took a whiff... urine. Damn those transients!

Medusa Head

My mom had SERIOUS Medusa Head when I was growing up. When we got old enough to get up and get ready for school by ourselves she, naturally, slept in. If we had a note that needed to be signed then we had to wake her up. Waiting of course until the last possible moment because once she was up... it wasn't pretty. I don't mean in an attractive way. I mean the whole scene was unattractive. Picture waking up a bear from hibernation. Now put on that bear hair that looks like this~~~~~~~~~~~>


She didn't LOOK like a bear. Just the groggy, unintelligible growling of a bear.
God she's going to hate me when she reads this.  Anyways- back to Medusa.
So my mom  had this big, crazy bed head. It was one of things that made is so amusing to wake her from her peaceful slumber.

I swore to myself that I would never have Medusa Head. Every morning when I wake up I promptly check to see if my ponytail is still in my hair. It's usually not since my hair is so short. It's usually still wound up on my pillow. I replace my ponytail with a new one, clip back any unauthorized splaying of bangs that are in my face or put on a bandana.  Then I leave my bedroom.

Today while dropping off my kids I bore witness to THREE Medusa Head tragedies. So sad. I could tell they had just barely woken up, mostly because they were driving like angry bears. This is one of the reasons, I believe, that ladies caps are becoming cuter and cuter. It's for mom's who drive their kids to school.
SEE?

So listen people, Medusa Head is a serious matter. Don't' let it happen to you. If not treated promptly it can become a chronic condition. Think of the children. THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!!

I dropped something

I watched myself drop the ball today. It was a very surreal moment. An actual moment of "ifuckedupness". I saw the moment pass before my eyes and it's like time stood still.  The ball dropped in slow motion. It left my hands at 7:15... no... I think it really left my hands at 6:30am, then hit the floor at 8:27.

I'll walk you through it. But first, remember my blog post about new and improved daily routine?  Well I was using it! It was working! Until today. Maybe it's been a few days in the making but it's not good. Today was a low point, even for me.

6:30 hit snooze
7:00 alarm to wake kids up goes off. I get out of bed
7:01 coffee
7:05 start making oatmeal
7:10 Hubby wakes up
7:11 give Hubby coffee
7:15 begin making lunches
7:18 realize I need more tupperware for said lunches. make note to buy more tupperware
7:25 yell downstairs for kids to wake up
7:35 feed kids
7:45 dress kids. No, make that ONE kid gets dressed.
7:50 tell kid that is still eating breakfast to move his ass and get dressed
7:55 fight with dressed kid about what she's wearing. her exact words were "really, mom? this outfit?"
7:56 consider putting bailey's in my coffee
8:00 ask pajama clad kid why he's not dressed yet. response "I can't find my gray shirt" my reply "wear a different shirt"
8:01 meltdown commences.
8:05 dear daughter decides she needs to poop
8:06 help dear son find shoes.
8:10 check on pooping daughter- she hasn't even got her pants off yet.
8:12 check on son. realize i didn't do any laundry yesterday (Sunday). silent curse myself for being such a bad, lazy mom.
8:15 check email. get upsetting letter from son's classroom aide.
8:17 daughter declares she pooped.
8:20 head downstairs- son is dressed. daughter forgot backpack upstairs.
8:22 leave house
8:27 drop kids off (late) at school

It's only Monday. MONDAY!! The first day of the new week! This is the day that is supposed to set the example for the following days! I'm failing!!! My house is in shambles and i'm sitting here on my ass TELLING YOU HOW BAD IT IS rather than make it better!

So I've decided the buck stops here. I'm going to work on my house and get my shit together and stop acting like a lazy teenager. I'm a mother for crying out loud and it's high time I started acting like one.  so hopefully my next blog will be about how awesome I am and clean my house and how I just made 300 cupcakes for the bake sale at school on top of volunteering and delivery meals to the elderly. But until then.... I vow blogging silence.

Cocktail Hour

She said what?

I"m in car explaining to my daughter how babies are made.

I told her that a man  gives the woman a seed and she puts the
seed in her soft egg and grows a baby.

She said "ok, so daddy put his seed in some soup and you drank
it?"

I said "no, that's what I did when I DIDN'T want to have a baby"

true story. it was THE MOST awesome conversation I've ever
had with her.

IT'S GONNA BE AWESOME.

Priorities and stuff

This photo has nothing
to do with today's blog post. 

Since life and parenting are getting in the way of blogging about life and parenting this is going to be short. Maybe sweet. Not with sugar though... probably like, sweet n' low. Where at first taste it's sweet but after awhile you're like, bleghck. So, I guess I'm just trying to apologize in advance.

Since I'm really awesome at bullet points I'm going to do that. And since every god damn person on the planet seems to have ADD or ADHD I do it for them. I'm a giver. Just ask my husband. *ahem* back to the story. Errrr, bullet points.

• When my kids accidentally get off their leash and dart into the street I feel like an asshole. When someone else's kid darts into the street where I'm driving, I feel like an asshole. I can not find a mathematical equation to explain this. 
• I'm considering putting the coffee machine on my nightstand.
• I want to put into place a rule that says "NO TALKING AFTER 9PM"  because I'm really having a hard time with this 10 o'clock pillow talk bullshit. I need sleep!
• My house is a horrible mess. HORRIBLE. There is no room in this house that hasn't been bitten by the messing bug.
• Speaking of bugs: I got bit in the ear by one. My ear was HUGE and red. The only thing I like HUGE and red are strawberries. Not parts of body. 2 claritin later and I was high as a kite and I totally cracked out for 3 hours on a jigsaw puzzle. My ear is feeling better, thank you. 
• I pack the WORST lunches. The problem with those reusable lunch boxes is that the compartments are not big enough. 
• I volunteered at my daughter's kindergarten class and for the first time, I liked her teacher. Those kids are... ummmm..... well we'll just say that they're new to the whole school thing. She is VERY patient with them. I could handle 5, but 20? wow. just, wow. 
• I'm thinking about following in Law-Momma's steps and getting a PO Box. Mostly because I'm addicted to checking the mail. It's like smacking crack. (is that even real? did i say that right? i'm not sure. i've never smacked crack but it sounds close to checking to the mail obsessively)
• I've redone my kitchen with red accents (cliché, I know) and I freaking LOVE IT. (you have to say LOVE with a singsongy voice, other wise you're missing out on the true feeling of the love. it's like "ding-dong" "lo-ove" did you say it right? Do you feel the love now? Good.)

Ok  think that'g good for now. I got some stupid things off my mind and came up with new ones. I have a fun idea for a new blog but that is going to take focus and time. Two things I just don't have right now. I'm so short on time, I'm not even going to edit this. *gasp* for shame, I know. But I'm trying to make a point. Stop arguing with me, I don't have time. Thanks Lola, now I'm now arguing with myself. Damn you. 

First time parents VS. Veteran parents

First time parents are soooo different from 2, 3 and 4th time parents. Remember when you had your first baby? Remember how paranoid and worried you were? Everything had to be just so. Then baby number two comes and you don't even rinse off the pacifier anymore. 

So let's look at visitation. First timers Vs. Veterans. 

First Timers:

visiting baby-

 We want quiet time initially for bonding and recovery. Please don't call our phones, no knocking on the door and leave your congratulatory fog horn at home.

We have invested thousands of dollars on this baby so we will be charging a $15 a head admission to see him. We want a beautiful, healthy return on investment.

The first few days though we will not be having any visitors. Then, the people who bring cash gifts will be allowed visitation first. Then homemade gift givers next, and finally card givers will be last.

Additionally, for the first few weeks, no kids under 10 years old. Pertussis has been going around in schools, and we are working our way into flu season. Please bring your immunization card so that we can make sure you are caught up on all vaccines.

We will be enforcing that people wash their hands very well and remove their shoes, we will provide you with breathing masks.

Please do not speak to the baby unless the baby has spoken to you first. When you do speak, please keep it at a low decibel.

If you are sick or have gotten over being sick within a week, please don't come. Seriously, one cough, sniff or sneeze and you'll be out so fast your snotty head will spin. 

We are asking that no eye contact be made with the baby. Please do not show your  teeth as this is a sign of aggression and we don't want to stress the baby. 

We love you all.

Veteran Parent:

Hey everyone, the baby is due any day. We're planning a barbecue at our house.

Please bring your own beer. We'll provide the meat. If you're vegetarian let us know.

We don't really need anything for the baby, but dad really wants a new video game. Best Buy gift cards would be awesome.

We do need diapers though. size newborn and size 5 for our 2 year old.

When my water breaks I'll send out a mass text. Delivery room viewing will be on a first come, first serve basis. Up to 8 people.

I'll be pretty busy making potato salad so make sure you guys can hold the baby for me. I'll pump some extra bottles so you can do feeding duty.

I'm pretty sure I have hand sanitizer but whatever. You're clean right?

If you're sick, don't cough on the baby. Cough into your shirt or something.

Pets welcome. 

We just bought a new DVD for the kids to watch so they'll be occupied. 

Can't wait to see all of you.

Mawwage

I was thinking last night about gay marriage and how I'm all for it. I thought about the people that are against it and their arguments. Like "they'll soil the sanctity of marriage". I hate to tell them this... but there are plenty of straight marriages doing that right now.

I bet divorce attorneys are pro-gay marriage.

Anyway, another thing that people say is "what's next, a man wanting to marry his dog??"  I don't know how they always jump to bestiality. When in the history of, oh say.... EVER has a human wanted to marry an animal? Man's best friend is called that for a reason. They're just friends. There's nothing romantic going on. So then THAT got me thinking about inanimate objects getting married. Here's what I came up with: (I was hungry at the time so it's all about food)

Tortillas and salsa were high school sweethearts. They broke up after high school, and tortillas had a passionate, 6 month love affair with guacamole. Tortillas ended up settling down with cheese.

Peanut butter is a polygamist. Sister wives include: jelly, chocolate, honey and banana.

Burgers and fries. Not married actually. Not even dating. They're just friends. Purely platonic.

Burgers and beer however...... are married. Fries is just the beard. 

Meatloaf and mashed potatoes grew up together and were young lovers. Until meatloaf decided that the grass was greener on the other side. Meatloaf marries brown rice, much to the dismay of corn and peas. It's a loveless marriage and meatloaf often dreams of the days it spent with mashed potatoes.

Speaking of potatoes.... The Potato is a whore. She's super slutty and tells her partners "how would you like it? Fried, boiled, mashed, scalloped... " etc. etc.  Skank. But she's good.

Cheerios used to date white milk until it discovered chocolate milk. (The sensual side of breakfast) They don't get married but they're monogamous and are considered common law. They decided against marriage because they don't need a piece of paper to define their love.

Ham and cheese are in love. Always have been. Got married young, bought a house, had kids... they enjoy sitting on their porch swing drinking iced tea holding hands.

Milk and cookies are pretty much just in it for the sex. Late night hookups mostly. They don't date and they're not in love.... yet.

Root Beer and vanilla ice cream. Best Friends. Not dating, not married. Root Beer is gay and so is vanilla ice cream, but not for each other. Which leads me to....

Cake and Ice Cream. Ice Cream moved in with Cake after the first date and they've been together ever since.  They've also adopted 3 adorable cake pops. Cake makes Ice Cream laugh, and Ice Cream is very supportive of Cake's crazy endeavors. (hello! Red Velvet)

Bagels and Cream Cheese. Bagels is much older than Cream Cheese. Their parents set them up when Cream Cheese was still a kid. When Cream Cheese came of age they wed and they've actually grown to love each other very much.

Turkey, Bacon and Avocado. Don't ask. they're usually stoned and anything sounds good when you're stoned.

Now Apples and Oranges.... that's just sick. If you're going to let them get married then next chairs are going to want to marry tables and men are going to want to marry horses. What a bunch of deviants.

Champagne Time

Earlier today I did a post on my Facebook saying "this day calls for champagne!"

At first I was just excited that I haven't strangled anyone today. Then I thought about it more and here's what I came up with.

Everyday is Champagne day. (or some other celebratory drink) Everyday should be a day worth celebrating because I made it through the day.

• I made my kids breakfast
• I made my kids lunch
• I worked out
• I did laundry
• I ran errands
• My house is clean
• My children are happy
• I'm not negative in my bank account 
• Dinner is done
• The car has fuel
• The bills are paid
• We're paying for our daughter to go to college. 
• I smile and get butterflies in my stomach when I see that my husband is calling me
• I took a shower

See what I mean? I'm surviving this crazy thing called life and THAT should be celebrated. It doesn't have to be champagne but you get the point. Us moms, we're doing it. We're raising our kids, and keeping our household together. Many of us are the glue that keeps our family together. So today I'm going to pour myself a bit of bubbly, pat myself on the back, and tell myself "good job". 

Today calls for champagne because instead of looking at all the things i'm doing wrong and feeling badly, i'm looking at all the things i'm doing well, and it makes me feel good.