Once a month I find myself asking myself some very important questions.
If I've lost so many bodily fluids, why don't I feel lightheaded or dizzy?
What is the best way to hide a dead body?
Is it in poor taste to tell the checker to "fuck off" when he asks me how my day is?
Can a whole box of brownies constitute as a meal?
If I lock myself in the bathroom how long until someone notices I'm gone?
Is it normal to cry over the death of the young turkey now resting peacefully in my freezer?
Is it normal to cry because I couldn't find my keys?
When did my fat clothes get so small?
Is there any other animal on the planet that can bleed for 5 days and not die?
I wonder if I can make a wine helmet, complete with 2 straws.... since I'm a multi-tasking mommy and I need my hands free.
Who decided white sheets would look good in my bedroom?
Can I eat hot dogs for breakfast?
I wonder if exercise is good for cramps.... I'll have to find someone who actually does that.
Who keeps touching the thermostat?
I wonder how much my kids will go for on e-bay?
Why is my husband avoiding me?
Can I make these pimples look like beauty marks if I put brown eyeliner on them?
Can I pull off these velour pants if I wear them with nice shoes?
I'm not going anywhere today. To hell with the world.
Now excuse me... I have 12 chocolate chip cookies I have to go devour.
Feel better...and although my breakout is chocolate-induced, I may try your "Can I make these pimples look like beauty marks if I put brown eyeliner on them?"
ReplyDeleteGenius.
At the very least, I hope these occasional breakouts keep me looking youthful.
I loved this! So true!!
ReplyDeleteMy husband got up from the dinner table last night, went to the cupboard, handed me a bag of mini brownies and went to clean up the kitchen. I moodily devoured them then realized that he had just pacified me and escaped! He's a genius! ...And who knew we had mini brownies stashed in the house?
ReplyDeleteHaha, I have though almost all those things haha! Now go eat some more chocolate!
ReplyDeleteI like the wine helment idea! I was thinking of the SAME thing on Monday. I'd be much more tolerable to be around if I had a day constant stash of wine helment in arms reach. Why doesn't everyone realize this? Now where did I put my chocolate....?
ReplyDeleteI started eating chocolate LAST month, using the excuse that it was my "time of month". 3 weeks later, I'm still eating chocolate. I'm more broken out than a horny teen and my ass is growing at record speed. Those fucking "fun" size Snickers? NOT fun.
ReplyDelete