Monday, January 23, 2012

I know what you're up to....

As you all know, I despise passive aggression. I'm a person who speaks bluntly and honestly.  It's one of Mr. CEO's favorite qualities of mine. I say what I mean. Not everyone has this ability.
There are plenty of these "what she said, what she meant" lists out there.
But this one is MINE. I feel like I might have already done one like this before, but I'm not digging through the archives to find out.

What they say
= what they mean

"I can't make it, my kid is sick"
= Something better came up

"We shouldn't be longer than 2 hours"
= It's going to be longer than 2 hours

 "Wow you have your hands full with those kids!"
= Your kids are assholes, and you can't control them. They'll probably end up in Juvey.

"My, your daughter certainly is precocious"
= Your kid is a know-it-all. Nobody likes a know-it-all.

"Yeah let's together! How about my house?"
= Your house is filthy and my tetanus shot is not current

"Maybe we can just go do something without kids?"
= I don't like your kids, plus, I want to drink

"It's been one of those CRAZY days and I'm totally fried!!"
= My kids were bothering me the WHOLE four hours I was on FaceBook

"I read it somewhere"
= I just made it up

"I'm 5 minutes away"
= I'm 20 minutes away

"This is only my first glass"
= This is my third glass

"Those look comfortable"
= Those are ugly

"I'm over it"
= I will continue to obsess over this but I want people to think I don't care

"WOW! That shirt looks SOOOOO AMAZING ON YOU!!!"
= Please throw away every other shirt you own, they look like trash compared to this

"I miss my kids when I'm not around them"
= I'm only saying this so you'll think I'm a decent human being.

"What's in this casserole, I can't quite identify that flavor; is it saffron?"
= I am unable to identify the contents of this dish, it is horrible.  I might need to get my stomach pumped.

"Let's share a dessert"
= I'm going to eat the entire thing but if anyone asks we shared.

"Do you want me to pay you back now or when I see you again?"
= I don't have the money to pay you back right now.

"Your son is really high energy isn't he?"
= I'm no doctor but I think your kid has ADD

"What a beautiful ring!"
= This better not be real

"The person before me really stunk up the bathroom"
= I stunk up the bathroom but I don't want you to know that

"What size is that dress?"
= I want to make sure I'm still skinnier than you.

"Oh I would, but I just ate"
= I want you to think I don't eat that kind of food

"This looks like a safe neighborhood"
= I don't see any black people

"Well you know what they say..."
= I'm too unoriginal to come up with my own quips and quotes

"Did you fart?"
= You farted. Gross.

"Google it"
= Please don't call my bluff. Please don't call my bluff. Please don't call my bluff.

"The kids just aren't a good match"
= That kid is a jerk

"Wellllllllllll, OK, maybe just one more"
= What the hell took you so long to ask?????

"Sorry I'm late, my housekeeper was late."
= I want you to think I have lots of money

"I'll drive!"
= Your car smells funny

"Can you drive?"
= I don't want to use the gas

"Want to go for a run with me?"
= You need to lose some weight

"5 kids really? They must be religious."
= They must be Mexican

"So I have a friend who has this problem..."
= I have this problem....

"I'm not that drunk"
= I'm so drunk I think you'll believe that I'm not that drunk


  1. I like to think that I've always been straight forward, but perhaps I wasn't as much as I am now before I had I'm too tired for anything other than whatever it is I mean to say.

    Great list : )

    1. RIGHT? Beating around the bush is such a time waster. MY time.

  2. This is awesome! My husband calls me a counterfeit Mexican cause I was done after 2 and threatened him with bodily harm if he didn't get a vasectomy after we had our 3rd. Good thing for him he did.

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  4. Oh my gosh!! Love this! I need to do one! So hilarious!!

    And this one: "Yeah let's together! How about my house?"
    = Your house is filthy and my tetanus shot is not current -- Killed me!!! Hahaha! Oh how I love you!! Honest!!!

  5. That was very amusing. (Really.)

  6. This is the BEST list EVA! Love it! So, let's get together "soon", without the kids, and I'll drive, as long as my housekeeper is on time, and I'm only 5 minutes away!

    You rock!
    (which is passive aggressive talk rock)

  7. I nominated you for a Kreativ Blogger Award. Because you are awesome.