There are plenty of these "what she said, what she meant" lists out there.
But this one is MINE. I feel like I might have already done one like this before, but I'm not digging through the archives to find out.
What they say
= what they mean
"I can't make it, my kid is sick"
= Something better came up
"We shouldn't be longer than 2 hours"
= It's going to be longer than 2 hours
"Wow you have your hands full with those kids!"
= Your kids are assholes, and you can't control them. They'll probably end up in Juvey.
"My, your daughter certainly is precocious"
= Your kid is a know-it-all. Nobody likes a know-it-all.
"Yeah let's together! How about my house?"
= Your house is filthy and my tetanus shot is not current
"Maybe we can just go do something without kids?"
= I don't like your kids, plus, I want to drink
"It's been one of those CRAZY days and I'm totally fried!!"
= My kids were bothering me the WHOLE four hours I was on FaceBook
"I read it somewhere"
= I just made it up
"I'm 5 minutes away"
= I'm 20 minutes away
"This is only my first glass"
= This is my third glass
"Those look comfortable"
= Those are ugly
"I'm over it"
= I will continue to obsess over this but I want people to think I don't care
"WOW! That shirt looks SOOOOO AMAZING ON YOU!!!"
= Please throw away every other shirt you own, they look like trash compared to this
"I miss my kids when I'm not around them"
= I'm only saying this so you'll think I'm a decent human being.
"What's in this casserole, I can't quite identify that flavor; is it saffron?"
= I am unable to identify the contents of this dish, it is horrible. I might need to get my stomach pumped.
"Let's share a dessert"
= I'm going to eat the entire thing but if anyone asks we shared.
"Do you want me to pay you back now or when I see you again?"
= I don't have the money to pay you back right now.
"Your son is really high energy isn't he?"
= I'm no doctor but I think your kid has ADD
"What a beautiful ring!"
= This better not be real
"The person before me really stunk up the bathroom"
= I stunk up the bathroom but I don't want you to know that
"What size is that dress?"
= I want to make sure I'm still skinnier than you.
"Oh I would, but I just ate"
= I want you to think I don't eat that kind of food
"This looks like a safe neighborhood"
= I don't see any black people
"Well you know what they say..."
= I'm too unoriginal to come up with my own quips and quotes
"Did you fart?"
= You farted. Gross.
= Please don't call my bluff. Please don't call my bluff. Please don't call my bluff.
"The kids just aren't a good match"
= That kid is a jerk
"Wellllllllllll, OK, maybe just one more"
= What the hell took you so long to ask?????
"Sorry I'm late, my housekeeper was late."
= I want you to think I have lots of money
= Your car smells funny
"Can you drive?"
= I don't want to use the gas
"Want to go for a run with me?"
= You need to lose some weight
"5 kids really? They must be religious."
= They must be Mexican
"So I have a friend who has this problem..."
= I have this problem....
"I'm not that drunk"
= I'm so drunk I think you'll believe that I'm not that drunk