I know what you're up to....

As you all know, I despise passive aggression. I'm a person who speaks bluntly and honestly.  It's one of Mr. CEO's favorite qualities of mine. I say what I mean. Not everyone has this ability.
There are plenty of these "what she said, what she meant" lists out there.
But this one is MINE. I feel like I might have already done one like this before, but I'm not digging through the archives to find out.

What they say
= what they mean

"I can't make it, my kid is sick"

= Something better came up

"We shouldn't be longer than 2 hours"
= It's going to be longer than 2 hours

 "Wow you have your hands full with those kids!"
= Your kids are assholes, and you can't control them. They'll probably end up in Juvey.

"My, your daughter certainly is precocious"
= Your kid is a know-it-all. Nobody likes a know-it-all.

"Yeah let's together! How about my house?"
= Your house is filthy and my tetanus shot is not current

"Maybe we can just go do something without kids?"
= I don't like your kids, plus, I want to drink

"It's been one of those CRAZY days and I'm totally fried!!"
= My kids were bothering me the WHOLE four hours I was on FaceBook

"I read it somewhere"
= I just made it up

"I'm 5 minutes away"
= I'm 20 minutes away

"This is only my first glass"
= This is my third glass

"Those look comfortable"
= Those are ugly

"I'm over it"
= I will continue to obsess over this but I want people to think I don't care

"WOW! That shirt looks SOOOOO AMAZING ON YOU!!!"
= Please throw away every other shirt you own, they look like trash compared to this

"I miss my kids when I'm not around them"
= I'm only saying this so you'll think I'm a decent human being.

"What's in this casserole, I can't quite identify that flavor; is it saffron?"
= I am unable to identify the contents of this dish, it is horrible.  I might need to get my stomach pumped.

"Let's share a dessert"
= I'm going to eat the entire thing but if anyone asks we shared.

"Do you want me to pay you back now or when I see you again?"
= I don't have the money to pay you back right now.

"Your son is really high energy isn't he?"
= I'm no doctor but I think your kid has ADD

"What a beautiful ring!"
= This better not be real

"The person before me really stunk up the bathroom"
= I stunk up the bathroom but I don't want you to know that

"What size is that dress?"
= I want to make sure I'm still skinnier than you.

"Oh I would, but I just ate"
= I want you to think I don't eat that kind of food

"This looks like a safe neighborhood"
= I don't see any black people

"Well you know what they say..."
= I'm too unoriginal to come up with my own quips and quotes

"Did you fart?"
= You farted. Gross.

"Google it"
= Please don't call my bluff. Please don't call my bluff. Please don't call my bluff.

"The kids just aren't a good match"
= That kid is a jerk

"Wellllllllllll, OK, maybe just one more"
= What the hell took you so long to ask?????

"Sorry I'm late, my housekeeper was late."
= I want you to think I have lots of money

"I'll drive!"
= Your car smells funny

"Can you drive?"
= I don't want to use the gas

"Want to go for a run with me?"
= You need to lose some weight

"5 kids really? They must be religious."
= They must be Mexican


"So I have a friend who has this problem..."
= I have this problem....

"I'm not that drunk"

= I'm so drunk I think you'll believe that I'm not that drunk