Tuesday, June 12, 2012

The book of travels. Or not. Whatever.

Hello Dear Readers,

Remember me? The Home C.E.O.? I used to write funny little stories? Yeah I'm still here. Funny? TBD.

So 3 months later I am still traveling. I was speaking with a friend of mine, Not So Silent Mommy, and she suggested I write a book about our trip. She even provided me with an example of a less funny version of a woman who takes her kids traveling for a year. While I would never in my right mind take my children on a year long tour of the world (never say never) I don't think I could use it as a "guide". There would be no helpful hints, or tricks. No simple solutions, no great ideas on how to pack lighter. Sadly the book would be a cautionary tale full of Xanax*, cocktails, and alligators. And possibly why never to mix the 3.  Maybe in a hilarious turn of events we would pick up some stranded hermit crabs and adopt them taking them along the way. Maybe the third part of the book would be from their perspective. Driving in a car, cruising on a ship, flying in a plane, almost drowning in bubble water, spending their evenings trying to climb up the slippery walls of the bathtub like a hamster in a wheel. (I have been told the enjoy exercise so I try not to feel sorry for them)

Or maybe I could write the book about hotels. Just because a hotel as the name "Wyndham" in it does not a classy hotel make. Just because you purchase a hotel room does not mean a CLEAN hotel room will be provided to you. Just because you purchase a hotel room does not mean YOU will leave it clean. (and why would you? YOU paid THEM, not the other way around)  If a hotel is cheap, there's a reason behind it.

Maybe I could write it based on all the items I've lost along the trip. Or all the dead animals we've seen. Or how many different beds I've slept in. (This sounds more like erotica to me though, we'll save that for the sequel. The sexy sequel) What about talking about the places I've visited in alphabetical order.  
Chapter 1- Alabama. Chapter 2- Austin. Chapter 3- Boston. Chapter 4 - Caicos. Chapter  5-
Colorado. Chapter 6- Delaware. etc. etc.

I've thought about chronological order... but it feels so played out. EVERYONE writes in chronological order. *yum, this sarcasm tastes delicious*      So then what else is there?  I could write the book around all the art we've purchased. Which sadly, I can barely remember. We buy art, then ship it home. I've forgotten what we've bought! Ok so that won't work. Besides, art is BO-RING to read about.

I've got it! The book can be a tragedy. Girl leaves home, girl travels, girls runs over frogs on road, girl sees deer get hit by car, girl loses favorite pair of shoes, girl starts period. Girls gets hangover. Hmmm, maybe that's too sad. Nobody wants to read a story where someone loses an awesome pair of heels.

What if I wrote it based on terrain in reverse alphabetical order? That could be interesting. Chapter 1- Swamps. Chapter 2- Sea. Chapter 3- Mountains. Chapter 4- Desert. That would be hard, there are too many subcategories.

There's alphabetical order by state, then alphabetical order by city. I could write about all the best public restrooms I've been to and rank them. Or maybe it could be a book based on facts.
FACT: subway is the largest chain in the country.
FACT: the Chuck E. Cheese in Tallahasee is a DUMP and they have a sign outside that says "no firearms or weapons allowed inside".
FACT: The continental divide is where the water flows to the west on one side, and to the east on the other.
FACT: I have created the ULTIMATE key lime colada.
FACT: my husband is hot.
FACT: you are not allowed to own a car in Texas, it must be a Truck.
 It can be the encyclopedia Brittanica. People will refer to it when traveling.

Or what about Myths?
MYTH: The stars are big and bright deep in the heart of Texas.
MYTH: the food at a restaurant shows up exactly as pictured in the menu.
MYTH: dry heat is better than humid heat. (FACT: they both suck equally)
 MYTH: Disneyland is the greatest place on earth (FACT: only if space mountain is open, which it never is)

How about based on observations?
Alligator tastes more like chicken than frog legs do. or between the frog legs for that matter.
Austin, Provincetown, Key West and Santa Cruz have so much in common.
The pedestrians are crazy in Boston.
The bible thumpiest places also have the most XXX stores and XXX live shows.
Dolphins are assholes.
Tropical storms and cyclones are not nearly as fun to drive through as they sound.
In a restaurant/cafe... sit against the wall, this will ensure the server won't spill anything on you.
Wrestling an alligator is harder than it looks, just ask Mr. CEO.
The inside of New Jersey really is beautiful.
New York really is crazy to drive around.

Although that would be less of  a "book" and more of a "list" which I'm pretty sure people don't enjoy reading. Well, except maybe Schindler.

On second thought, maybe writing a book is a bad idea. I have been keeping a journal though. I'm only a month and a half behind but I'm sure if I set my mind to it I could finish it no problem. Oh look! Something shiny!

*I do not take Xanax. I have never taken Xanax. It is purely a comical addition.  I wish I do/have and would gladly take one if offered.

1 comment:

  1. Traveling with children is a special form of torture! I suggest organizing the book by mood: Excitement, panic, elation, relaxation (HA!), overwhelmed, angry, frustrated, joyous, sloshed (is that a mood?), etc. :-)