Monday, March 5, 2012

Downton Abbey, cookies, and other shiny things.

Here's some things I've learned while packing up my life in preparation for a move.

  • Make sure you have plenty of boxes. 
  • Start collecting newspapers to wrap fragile items. 
  • Begin watching an addicting hour long television show. 2 seasons, 9 episodes each until you're glassy eyed and speaking with a proper English accent. Cry when it's all over. They're like the rich family you never had. 
  • Blow off the gym. You have more important things to do. See above.
  • Run your body on coffee, cookies and wine. Throw in a pb&j for the fruit.
  • Plan an 8 hour road trip just for fun close to your move date. Take time off work.
  • Donate any unused items such as toys or clothes that are still in good condition.
  • Pack things you use the least but can't live without first. (Holiday decorations, dildos, weather specific things)
  • Start reading that book you picked up and have been meaning to read. Don't continue packing until book is done.
  • Plan goodbye luncheons with your friends. Get drunk and say highly inappropriate things. 
  • Update your address book. 
  • Consume large amounts of highly processed, sugar filled foods. This will keep your strength up.
  • Schedule doctor appointments and refill your prescriptions.
  • Start using up the food in your house. Everybody loves canned tuna with macaroni and cheese. 
  • Drink too much wine to help with the stress that you're hungover for 2 days and can't do any work at all. 
  • Expose your kids to the common cold so they can get it out of their system now, and not on moving day. Keep them at home so you can wait on them hand and foot.
  • Have your husband get mouth surgery and take care of his needs by blending all his meals. 
  • Notify your neighbors that you will be moving.
  • Use up any coupons you may have.
  • Purchase new clothing for the new climate you'll be moving to.
  • Make sure to tell people how excited you are and what an amazing experience this is going to be.
  • Cry yourself to sleep at night. 
  • Have your children's teachers update reports. If possible, find out ALL of your kids are now special needs and plan accordingly. 
  • Purchase paint to match the interior of the house. 
  • Don't bother with taking care of yourself, you're much too busy taking care of everything else. 
  • Write a blog to vomit your emotions on perfect strangers. 
  • Get PMS 5 days before the move date. If you're lucky, you'll start menstruating on moving day. 


  1. "Plan goodbye luncheons with your friends. Get drunk and say highly inappropriate things."
    So this would be different from other luncheons where we get drunk and say inappropriate things because "goodbye" is involved, right?
    Just trying to figure out why this lunch is different from all other lunches.
    I threw in a little "Passover Jew Humor" there.


  2. It's all going to be worth it girl!!!
    Make sure you label all of your boxes,, you never know when you'll need that dildo if your husband just had mouth surgery!! xo

  3. Regular luncheons are where you say "we should TOTALLY hang out more!"
    and goodbye luncheons are where you say "i love you soooo much. I wish we had hung out more!"

  4. I also recommend alternating between sentimentality & satisfaction on the day of the move as in: "Aww, this is where you ____d for the first time." and then "You, squeaky floor board that was never repaired, I will not miss!"

  5. "Start using up the food in your house. Everybody loves canned tuna with macaroni and cheese."
    Do you want me to puke? Seriously. I almost did. I thought you knew I hated fish. And have had some seriously bad experiences with tuna fish.
    Good luck on your move, lady!