Wednesday, August 3, 2011

All about FUPA.

I know it doesn't look or feel like fall is around the corner, but trust me, IT IS.
So with that in mind my new fall wardrobe is something I'm mulling over at the moment. Every October, for my birthday, Big Daddy takes me fall shopping. Oh the coats! The BOOTS! The sweaters! (my favorite place to get new sweaters believe it or not is the Goodwill. They're already broken in, pre-shrunk, and about $5 a pop) ((no, Big Daddy does not take me shopping at the Goodwill))

The one thing I absolutely dread/loathe.... JEANS. At least, shopping for them. Since I had babies my body has changed. Morphed, if you will. Mutated even.  My waist is high, my belly button is low, my FUPA is prominent, my butt is, ahem, full and my hips have been opened. Where are the jeans for this body type?

I can read all the beauty/fashion magazines I want but there is NO WAY IN HELL I am wearing high waisted jeans. I only need one reason: my FUPA.
You know who looks good in high waisted jeans? Skinny bitches. You know who does not? FUPA owners. Who else? People prone to camel toe.

Then there is the low-rise jeans. Again, only skinny bitches can pull this off. On me? My FUPA turns into a muffin top. Not pretty. 

So what's between high waisted and low-rise? Mom Jeans. Who looks good in these? NOBODY. 

WTF? What am I supposed to do? Well, short of a tummy tuck, what am I suppose to do. Spanx? Tummy control jeans? Just say F it and buy more yoga pants? (ahhhh, talk about tummy control)

I'm at a loss. BUT, I know 99% of my readers are female. Of that 99% I'm willing to guess 97% are mothers.

So what jeans do you gals wear??

FUPA is not the technical term for it.
It's actually called a pannus. I couldn't
type that out without laughing so
I used the word FUPA instead.

My first baby was 9 pounds and stretched
the living hell out of me.
 Yes I need a tummy tuck.
That is how I know the technical term. 


  1. I don't know what do wear either. I have the same problem. Only one baby didn't do too much to my hips, but my belly is nastily in the way now and I hate muffin top and old ladies wear high waisted jeans and I don't think I am skinny enough to pull them off even if I wanted to. You'll have to share if you solve the mommy jean problem.

  2. OK, I had no idea there was an actual medical term for that - let alone grades of droopiness. Learn something new every day!

    I found a pair of Lee jeans at the Salvation Army & cut them into capris because they were high-waters on me. I love how they fit & they look good - but I have no freakin' idea what style or size they are !!!!

  3. I call mine the "vacant home that squatters lived in, and added on to for 9 months and then trashed leaving me to clean up the mess". Freakin' squatters.

  4. I live through out the colder months in sweat pants. That's right. I said it. Old, comfy, broken in sweat pants. I am one sexy bitch. The soft cotton material really helps the chaffing that occurs in the summer time when my thighs are rubbing together like fucking cricket wings!!