Today I was approached by a troll...

Fist sentence brought to you by: Dee McDuffie

"Today I was approached by a troll. 


I was minding my own business, crossing a bridge and he just popped out at me! I was like, "what the hell man? I'm walking here!" He growled. I suppose he was trying to scare me. The only thing offensive about him was his smell. Yuck. He told me that I couldn't cross. I told him that my two brothers were waiting for me on the other side. He told me that he remembered them. I told him that he needed to get out of my way. HE threatened ME by saying that he was going to eat me. I wasn't about to become dinner for some stinky, hairy troll. So I threw him off the bridge with my horns. He fell into the water and started screaming about how he was drowning and such but there was only a foot or two of water in the stream. Literally, I could have just walked around the bridge to get to the other side. It was at that point that he started yelling "assault! assault!" and he called the police"

Officer Peters said "Well now Mr. Goat, the Troll claims that you instigated the altercation. He says that YOU were the one who said you were going to eat him"

"Are you SERIOUS? I'm a goat. I eat grass, leaves, weeds. I'm vegetarian. I haven't had meat since that squirrel of '98 and THAT was an accident."

Officer Peters "You look like a big goat. Maybe you do eat meat."

"Yeah, that makes sense. Look, my brothers are right over there. Just ask them."

Officer Peters "Your brothers WITNESSED this event?"

"Yes, they're standing over there in that meadow on the other side of the bridge"

Officer Peters "BOYS! CAN YOU COME DOWN HERE FOR A MINUTE?! I HAVE SOME QUESTIONS"

And that's when I ate Officer Peters your Honor.

I'm probably the last person you would ever....

First sentence brought to you by: Lindsay Curtis Davis


"I'm probably the last person you would ever want advice from, but the hobbit in the woods said your lover is trying to kill you by poisonous grandmotherly  kisses.


First of all, Huntsman, he's a Dwarf, not a "hobbit". Second of all, after eating that poisonous apple my step-mother gave me I've built up a tolerance to poison. Third of all, the only reason why my "lover" is trying to kill me is because we went 5 days without sex. OK? 5 freakin' days. That's why I use the term "lover" loosely. Honestly, I'm so tired after a day of cooking, cleaning, and making lunches for the 7 dwarfs I hardly have enough energy to check my email let alone have sex! Especially with another person.

Ultimately the joke is on him. I've built an immunity to iocaine powder. The next time I see my lover I will place iocaine powder on my lips. When we kiss, my lover will suffer the wrath that he brought on himself. I don't need him anyway. Think about it, 7 men who come up to my middle, or one man who can't find "the middle".  

I'll stay with the dwarfs.

It was a dreary rainy morning.....

First sent provided by: Tonya Goddessofall Medrano: 

It was a dreary rainy morning, as I slumped out of bed and dragged myself to pain killers and coffee. 

Life with a hangnail could be almost unbearable at times. I had taken myself to the doctor the day before. He said that it was nothing to worry about. I knew I needed a second opinion. So I asked my hamster. His reply was just what I was suspecting "you need meds. STAT."  I went to my grandmothers house. I knew she just had hip replacement surgery and had plenty of painkillers. She didn't need them. She had a new hip! So of course I took three bottles. This was the mother of all hangnails. 

I washed down 4 pills with my morning cup of Joe. They went down smooth as I suspected they would. I threw in 2 NyQuil for good measure. 

6 hours later I woke up. Dizzy, groggy, and parched. I looked down at my hangnail. It wasn't any better. Damn. Damn. Damn. The painkillers weren't working. I considered the worst scenario: my fingertip gets amputated. Best case scenario: I take more painkillers and don't feel the pain. My money was on best case scenario. 

Down the hatch goes 3 more pills. Oh crap, I was supposed to pick my kids up from school. Oh double crap, I don't have kids! Damn you hangnail! Look what you've done to me! I don't know what is up or what is down. Life has turned sideways and I don't know which lane to be in! 

Why God?!?! WHY did I have to be dealt this card? What did I do to deserve this hangnail?

I pounded my fists on the ground. 

Then God spoke to me: He said "I gave you the hangnail as a test. You had the power to heal it all along. Did you not notice the Neosporin and nail clippers next to your coffee cup?"

That last part I'm pretty sure happened. I'm not 100% positive because I also saw God and he looked a lot like Sneezy from Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. (dwarfs?) It could have been a hallucination. Either way, I vow only to use painkillers when I am in such excruciating pain that I can not live my life at a normal capacity. I will not use painkillers to heal. 

But seriously, the hangnail was pretty bad. 

We were getting ready for bed after a long day...

First sentence provided by: Aleta Schaffer Plouffe 




We were getting ready for bed after a long day and that was when the alarms sounded.








This could only mean one thing: the biosphere's security had been breached. We've practiced the drill in the event of such a tragedy.  Everyone  headed to the underground shelters.


I was more scared than I thought I would be. I knew we had practiced this, but I thought all the drills would desensitize me to the reality of this catastrophe. It was really happening. In my lifetime. 


We had come to live in this perfect, green, utopian society. Living off the land, eating as nature intended us, and avoiding all waste. It was perfection. There was no crime, no smog, no plastic. We lived a sustainable life with pure air and pure water. This breach was nothing more than the end to our Eden. 


Why? WHY!? SO many years spent on the planning of this. Then more time to build it. Countless trial and errors on our part, the community. The community consisted of a professor, a captain, his first mate, a movie star, a rich couple who paid to be here, and an all-american girl. We were supposed to be here 3 years. After 5 years we started breeding and building our colony. 


Once we were all in the underground shelter the professor was the designated leader. He stayed above ground to see investigate the breach. 


When he returned it was with great weariness and sadness. He announced that the first mate had found some herbs, eaten them.... and ordered a pizza. And did anyone have $5 to tip the pizza guy.  

As I walked to work.....

First sentence provided by: Emma Jost 


As I walked to work through the skyway one morning, a crazy drunk guy in a motorized wheelchair stopped me and asked, "Have you heard the good news?"


"liver failure is a myth?"
"Don't be ridiculous. I said GOOD news, not OLD news."
"my mistake"
"So do you want to hear the good news?"
"You shit your pants"
"Yes. No. Well, yes I did, but that's not the news. Can you be serious?"
"Can you stand up and say the alphabet backwards?"
"why do you have to be so rude?"
"why do you have to be so drunk?"
"It's a DISEASE, OK?"
"Have you seen a doctor?"
"No, but I know"
"Alrighty it's been nice chatting with you but I have to get to work"
"Oh right, but wait! What about the good news? Don't you want to hear?"
"You're going to become a student driver instructor?"
"Why are you so mouthy?!"
"Look I spent a lot of money on these lip injections, I'll be damned if I don't get my money's worth"
"If someone told me that they had good news I would listen"
"Look, good news to you, and good news to me are not the same. Did the price of Bourbon go down?"
"I drink whiskey, and I don't like your attitude. "
"I don't like your breath. Now get out of my way"
"No, not until you listen to me"
"No, I don't have to"
"Now look here missy, I've got something to tell you!"
"You're out of booze?"
"No. Well, yeah that too. But are you going to listen to me or not?"
"If by 'listen' you mean 'smell' than I already have"
"well fine. If you don't want to hear the good news I won't tell you"
"Glad we see eye to eye on this"
"But why don't you want to hear the good news?"
"Because now i'm late for work"
"Well that's what I've been trying to tell you."
"Wow, you're more drunk than I thought you were"
"Your office is closed"
"Saywhatnow?"
"Mhmm. Closed"
"Why didn't you just say "the office is closed"?"
"Probably because I'm drunk"

This one time, at band camp...

First sentence brought to you by Matt Sweet , the pervert.




This one time, at band camp,




I stuck my flute in a pussy. Well, her mouth, anyway. The camp rules state that we weren't allowed to bring our cats. Well, my cat is SUPER attached to me. I love her. She loves me. How could I possibly leave her at home?! She's really playful and likes to bite me. 


Well, I guess it all started when we were done with practice and I went back to the room. I started to tickle her. She got super excited and started opening her mouth to bite me. Well, she bit me, and it hurt. She wouldn't stop. So the next time she opened her mouth to bite, I stuck my flute in there. 


She's being a pain in the butt though. So I don't think I'll bring her next year. She's super high maintenance and throws up all the time. I love her so much though. 


Here kitty kitty.....


*I can't even believe I did a story for this. I died a little inside*

I woke up on the front lawn...

First sentence provided by: Toni Vignogna 


I woke up on the front lawn, staring up at a sea of pink plastic flamingoes, once again.


 It never fails. I go out drinking with the other lawn gnomes and I end up here. On the Sanchez's lawn. Why I let those guys talk me into Boiler Maker Night I have no idea.  Now I have to watch Mr. Sanchez get his newspaper wearing nothing but a robe and slippers. It's times like this when I wish I was lying face down. 


I can see the pinwheel whirling in the breeze. Mocking me. You son of a bitch. I'll get you one day. Let's see how you look with Mrs. Sanchez farting the only wind you spin to. 




I'm regaining memories from last night activities. We were trying to infiltrate the flamingoes to see what they did at night. Why aren't they ever in the same position in the morning? They're up to something.  I remember something about a mailbox, a garden hose, and a half eaten corn dog. In what order they appeared... I have no clue. Now here I am.... right smack dab in the middle of enemy territory. 


My biggest concern right now is how am I going to make it to my own lawn. The Mrs. will surely be upset. How long until the Sanchez kids go to school and see me here? I have to think fast. Thinking fast is hurting my head. I must think slower. Yes! Fido! Come here boy! Now all I need to do is grab... onto... his.... collar.... There we go! 
"To the Johnson's, boy! Giddy up!"


What's this on my foot? Is that.... glitter? FML.

It was the same old mundane, routine.....

First sentence provided by: Karla Krebs Evers 








It was the same old mundane, routine, predictable Tuesday for another stay at home mother out there in the world.




Until, SHE showed up. Her hair blew wildly in the wind. Her skirt billowed around her like a sheet hung up to dry on a windy day. Her skin was wrinkled, and her wand glistened in the sun light.  I didn't think she would come. I had arranged all my plans on the basis of her not showing up. This changed things. 


I hadn't sent for my fairy godmother since the day she told me I could. 
She granted me ONE more visit for the remainder of my days. She bestowed that upon me the day I met my husband. Now here she was, face to face. 
"you look fat" she said to me. 
She was right... I had put on a few pounds. It was the 3 kids, the refreshments at all the PTA meetings and cleaning up my kids plates. 


I knew I was at an all time low. I didn't need her for childbirth. I didn't need her for my son's first broken arm. I didn't even need her when the castle got foreclosed. I need her now. 


She saw the worry lines on my face.  She new it was bad. Why else would I call her?


"How bad is it?" She asked. 
"Bad" I replied. 
"How much time do we have?" 
"24 hours. Is that enough?"
"I'll do my best."


She looked around my property. It was much smaller now. Since the kingdom changed it's rule we were not as important as we once were. The prime minister came and took over. We had become civilians. Royalty with no power. And now, on my darkest day, I called up my last hope. 


"How many people?" She inquired.
"A few hundred. Oh fairy god mother, do think there's any hope?"
She looked me up and down. "I shall do my best"


With a flick of her wand my house was spotless. My children clean. The dishes done. Dinner was prepared, animals groomed and the clothing clean, folded and put away. 


"Oh Fairy God Mother!" I exclaimed.
She shushed me. She wasn't finished. 
She turned to me with a dissatisfied look. She waved her wand one last time. Light. Light everywhere. 
It was all I could see. I was shrouded in it. Bathed in light. So bright I had to close my eyes. When I opened them she placed a mirror in front of me. I gazed upon my reflection. I was beautiful! My hair! It was washed and brushed. Styled even! Wrinkles gone! Boobs, lifted. Skin taught! I was amazed! Pounds vanished!


"Oh Fairy God Mother thank you! Thank you!"
"It is my pleasure dear. Now go! You don't want to be late for your high school reunion!"

I was walking through my back yard....

First sentence brought to you by: Lauren Wantstokickpeople Wright 




I was walking through my back yard and the neighbor's fucking unicorn had shit out glitter next to my roses again.


That bastard! No matter how many times I tell that ho to keep her unicorn OFF my property she still does it! Glitter is the herpes of the art and crafts world. There's no getting rid of it. 
  
Sometimes I won't notice until after I've already stepped in it. Then on the way to work people are like, "umm, I think you stepped in glitter" and I check the bottom of my shoe and sure as shit there's glitter. Now i've just tracked it ALL over my car, my house, my office. 


Look, I realize that unicorns have to go. I get it. Really I do. But on MY lawn? Next to MY roses? What if my roses got glitter on them?? What then?? We're miles away from Valentine's Day. They would have to get chucked into the bin. 


What about a litter box? Or a "glitter box" for the unicorn to go into. That might work. Maybe fixing the problem isn't the answer. Maybe revenge is the answer. Maybe I should collect all the glitter from the unicorn, collect it in a 5 gallon bucket and put it above my neighbors door. That way, when they open the door, all the glitter falls on their head!  


Or I'll just let me leprachaun shit clovers all over their yard. Although come to think of it, that might be an improvement. Or I could get him drunk so he'll puke lucky charms. That might bring them good luck though.  


Ok, 5 gallon bucket of unicorn shit here I come! 

My ex-husband texted me today.....

First sentence brought to you by: Cate Cannon




My ex-husband texted me today; his message was that he would pray for my sin.


How very odd. I racked my brains. What have I done? Worse still, what have I done that HE knows about? 
I went through all the sins I knew:


Pride- I did crochet a BITCHIN' doggie sweater. I know it was bitchin' too. 


Envy- I saw a girl at the market today with a perky ass. I wanted that ass so bad. Which leads me to the next sin,



Gluttony- I love the 100 calorie pack of ding dongs soooo much. I eat at least a pack box a day. Which may be why I do not possess a perky ass. 


Lust- Has he seen my lawn boy? Because I know I'VE seen the lawn boy. Almost as delicious as a 100 calorie pack of ding dongs. Lawn boy + ding dongs should never be in the same thought sequence.


Anger- I got taken for a ride when I took my car in for an oil change. They had to replace my air filter, and I needed new brake pads. WHAT?!? My brakes are FINE. I slam them all the time and they're still doing their job. Pisses me off!!


Greed- I went to my girlfriends house 2 days ago and we were drinking wine. It was an expensive bottle that SHE bought. I poured myself an extra glass when she wasn't looking. 


Sloth- He must have been peaking in my windows and saw the state of disarray that I call a "home."


And if he thinks it's adultery than he has me confused with himself. 


Well I can't stand it. What the hell did I do??


I'm going to text him right now:
me: what do you mean? you're praying for my sin? 
him: damn auto correct. I meant "i would pray for your win"


Oh that's right, I bought a lotto ticket yesterday.