Fun Down Under Day 4

Good Morning Newcastle! 

This was our view from this morning. Do you see the Palm trees? No. You don't. Know why? Because my camera decided to focus on the rain drops on the window rather than the what's behind that. No matter. You get the point. It was a beautiful and very chilly day. I got into a HUGE fight with Sarah-Eve. Why? Because I told her today would be cold and that she should put pants on. She didn't want to. I made her. Then she whined and pouted and yelled at me under her breath. I finally said "WHERE WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT". So she put on shorts and a chiffon shirt. WHAT. THE. HELL.  More and more often I find myself asking Greg "what do I do? How do I handle her? What do I do if I want to strangle her?" Haley, if you're reading this... then know it was never YOU. It is just that age and I have no patience for it. 

*ahem* Moving on. 

This is us waiting at the car rental for a new car. The other car was too small for people with 6 weeks worth of luggage. 

In all honesty it's not THAT much luggage. 

That and that flat tire. 

Brand new car. Tons of room but where do they choose to sit? 

RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER. 

Lord help me. 

Just kidding.. there is no Lord. 

moving on.....

DID YOU 
THINK I 
WAS 
JOKING??? 

I took this picture with my phone, inside the car. It is poor quality. I am aware. Shut up. It was a really beautiful drive. Lets look at more poor quality photos... shall we?

So we were driving. There was a truck in front of us. Everything was fine. Just driving along, doing our thang. Then all of a sudden the truck in front of us slows, then stops. WTS? 

Low and behold.... the road just STOPPED. In front of the road was a body of water. How do you we cross it? You're probably saying "ferry". And normally you would be right. But in this instance... it was more of a moveable bridge. No lie. 

IT WAS A BRIDGE THAT WENT BACK AND FORTH. BACK AND FORTH. BACK AND FORTH. IT WAS ON A CABLE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!

We passed the water with no trouble. 

JEALOUS.

PIT STOP. 

Let's play.  

This was an estuary where they have licensed fishing. Very interesting birds here too. 

Ok. Everyone back in the car. Let's keep driving. We head up to Port Macquarie. 

oh hey porpoise. What's going on?

The ocean... it calls to him. 

This is fun. But what's over there? Oh it's a light house. let's go check it out!!!

Holy crap it's amazing. Oh whats that you say? There's stuff on the other side? Ok let's check it out. 

Oh my gosh. Seriously. It's THAT amazing. Granted I've lived next to the beach almost my entire life.... seeing it on the other side of the world, in a different country, surrounded by different terrain.... It never ceases to amaze me. 

Basically today was a day of getting miles behind us. We have about 1400 miles to go but slowly we're getting there. 

Things discovered today:

Australians are AWESOME. It's official.  They are so freaking nice. Much like Canadians, only with less "sorry" and more "no worries"

I saw a wallaby on the side of the road and a herd of kangaroo. 

We were driving... rounded a corner and BAM! camels.  Friggin' camels in australia! Whaaaaaaa?

Alright sweet, dear, lovely, beautiful reader. It is late. 7pm. My wine is nearly finished and I must be going. 

Until tomorrow. 

I bid you adieu.

Fun Down Under Day 3

Good evening gorgeous reader. You look radiant today. Did you do something different with your hair? Did you lose weight? What ever it is it's working. Sign me up for whatever you're using.

We are wrapping up Day 3 and I'm resting comfortably in my hotel bed with a fantastic view of water and lights. maybe palm trees? Are those palm trees? Yes. They're palm trees. It's dark over here you know.

Today we started out early and explored the Hunter Valley Gardens.  So beautiful.

All the different gardens are themed.













This was the story book garden

Little Bo Peep

A mad hater tea party

.... and the dish ran away with the spoon.

WHORES.

 

Photobomb!!!

Japanese garden. duh.








So then we left Hunter Valley because we had an hour and a half drive to Anna Bay. That's where the Stockton SAND DUNES ARE.

WE WENT SAND BOARDING!!!!

We drove out to the parking lot where this big red van was waiting. We all piled in and we went 4wd all over the dunes.

Then you grab a board such as this. They are all the same size. So no matter how big or small you are.... This is the board you get.

Then you have to climb UP the hill carrying your board. It doesn't seem that hard at first. But by the 8th time you're crying and calling for back up. It is an excellent fitness test, in that it is a test of how little fitness you've done.

Once you get to the top you hop on your board and slide down. Little people are very good at this as they fit entirely on the board. They also weigh very little so crashing isn't a big deal for them.

It is NOT easy. The bigger you are the harder it is. Please do not ask Greg. He may or may not have hurt his shoulder. I do have that video but I'm waiting to blackmail him with it.

Views from atop are fantastic.

Looking toward the ocean

Looking away from the ocean

Then the battery in my camera died. 

So then I switched to the phone. 

Because that happened. Flatty McFlaterson tire. 

There was a HOLE in the tire. I know how it happened but i'm not at liberty to discuss that without my lawyer present.

But when you've got a manly man like I do, it's not a problem. 

I highly recommend having a manly man around. They do all sorts of manly things. 

Except the flu. 

TA DA!!!! new tire!!!

Caution: Do not drive at speeds faster than 80km.

Once the tire was fixed we headed to this beach. The sand is UNBELIEVABLY soft. And pretty. It's such a pretty color. 

Then we stopped at this cafe to have lunch. You can see the dunes in this pic and the ocean. While eating we saw humpback whales migrating north for the winter. It was AMAZING. 

Then we got caught in a torrential downpour and headed out of there. 

Day 3 observations: they really do have kangaroo crossing signs, you're not allowed to take the coral from the beach, they also have koala crossing signs and wombat crossing signs which is pretty funny to see. 

One last thing. If you see my mom, give her a hug and tell her happy birthday. She turns 55 today (friday for you guys. the 20th)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!!! I LOVE YOU AND I'M SORRY I COULDN'T BE THERE TO CELEBRATE WITH YOU. 

We'll go golf when I get home. **hugs**

Fun Down Under Day 1 & 2

 

Since the people that want to hear about the trip are scattered through out technology and social media land I'll post here.

Day 1 in Australia:
We got to our hotel early in the morning. We dropped off our bags, had some breakfast and set out on foot. As we rounded the corner of our hotel there staring us in the face was the Sydney Opera house. Ridiculously surreal.  I always thought that the top of it was white. like, white metal or something. But it ISN'T.

It actually has millions of off white tiles placed
in geometrical designs. The designer said he was
inspired by three things; swans wings, waves and seashells. The pattern reminds me of clamshells.
In a certain light the roof is not white, it has a rosy glow to it. It's massive with tons of
components and a breath taking view from any angle.




Near this is the Botanical Gardens. We took a little choo choo train ride around it. It was BEAUTIFUL!! Obviously. Have you ever seen ugly botanical gardens?! I don't remember any of the names or anything but it was wicked cool.

CHOO CHOO!!!

View from said CHOO CHOO!

Just cool stuff

  These birds are cray cray. 

I was going to post more pictures but if you want to see more go to my instagram or Facebook. This is STORY time not PICTURE time.  Anyhoodle. We walked around the city trying to stay awake. Good lord jet lag is no joke. 

Speaking of jet lag.... flashback to the flight. The plane has three rows of three seats. So I booked one row and one seat in the row next to it. Get on the plane...... nobody in my row!!!! the plane was at about 65% capacity. SWEET!!! We watched some movies, went to sleep (if you can call it sleep) woke up, had breakfast, landed, blah blah blah. The point was that there was a ton of room on the plane and that was COOL.  Ok flash forward......

Back at our hotel we went to the pool which was.... ON THE ROOFTOP with an amazing view of the opera house.  We finally went to bed at 5pm. Then woke up at 5am. Packed our bags and headed north. or at least it felt like north. I'm pretty sure it was north. 

Here's the thing about the southern hemisphere..... you LITERALLY feel like you are upside down. Since it's winter here the sun stays VERY low. Like a very low, wide arc in the sky. It feels like 5pm ALL DAY LONG. especially at 5pm. The sun is NEVER above you. I can't orientate myself with N,S,W, or E to save my life. I would DIE if left alone in the outback. Well that and the total lack of proper training. But that's neither here nor there. 

Day 2. Head toward Hunter Valley. One of the the wine regions here. We found an animal sanctuary along the way and decided to stop. Glad we did. We saw kangaroos! and Koalas! and Emus! and dingos! and wallabies! 

While we were very excited about the kangaroos we soon learned that a kangaroo in Australia is like a deer in the U.S. ; everywhere and damn menace to the roads. 

The animal sanctuary had a bird cage. We went in. Low and behold the birds flocked to Greg. Shocking. The bird keeper kept trying to get the birds off Greg but the birds weren't having it. 

grooming and nuzzling, nuzzling and grooming. 

This bird was nuzzling the shit outta greg. he LOVED him. 

They say "hello" with an Australian accent. 

After the sanctuary we headed to wine country. 

So this is how wine tasting works in Hunter Valley....

They give you a list of 20 or so wines. Then you pick whatever ones you want to try. NO LIMIT. You can taste EVERY.SINGLE.ONE. no tasting fee. True Story. =)

Unfortunately I'm just too jet lagged to really enjoy a wine buzz. Shocking. I know. 

As far as Australian people go.... It's hard to tell. You just have to take them on an individual basis. So far everyone is very nice. But we haven't had many chances to just talk to people. 

Australia reminds me a lot of California. Remember, we're only on Day 3 now. So haven't seen the diversity yet. 

Stay tuned. 

  

It's a school post

When the First Day of School came around I made sure I drank a bottle of wine the night before. I left the kitchen dirty and didn't lay out the kids' outfits. The next morning I made school lunches out of whatever I had on hand. Which ended up being some pretty good stuff, so they got lucky. Breakfast was oatmeal. One was too hot and the other was too cold. I didn't style my daughter's hair because she thought it looked pretty the way it was (half up and half down). I barely found a Sharpie to write their names on their sweaters, backpacks and lunch bags.

We headed out the door to walk to school. I didn't walk my daughter all the way to her class because she spotted her pal and went with her. I was on the phone with  Mr. CEO so I just waved my son ahead and yelled "good luck!" to his back. Then I left.

I made sure I picked them up a little late. Don't want to seem to eager. I also didn't wear any makeup.

If there's anything I've learned as a mother (and wife for that matter) it's not to set the bar too high.  If they go a week with every outfit laid out perfectly clean and pressed then what happens on that morning you sleep in and are digging through the dirty laundry to find the cleanest shirt for them to wear? Lower your standards and theirs. Even the teachers! Don't sign and return all the forms right away.  They'll come to expect it if you're on time with everything. Lower the bar and when you pull good shit off you'll look like a damn hero.  I don't go the extra mile. I save that kind of stuff for when it's really important. Like school reports or dioramas.

Your kids love you no matter what. You don't get graded every Friday for how well you did. Other moms are not comparing notes to see who is doing a better job. So go easy on yourself.
Relax, it's just life.

A Dream Blog

When I was in high school I didn't graduate on time. I had a P.E. class that I ditched too many times and received an "incomplete". I was not allowed to walk at graduation or wear my cap and gown. I had to sit up in the stands with all the friends and family and pretty much cry through it. My own fault, but still. I had to sign up for summer school P.E. as an 18 year old who was finished with high school. The humiliation was great. My first summer after 'graduating' and I was stuck with a bunch of freshman and sophomore misfits playing dodgeball in one of the more run down schools.

I remember this one day I was so hungover from cheap margaritas and loads of tequila shots that I was actually sweating out margaritas. I stunk. 

I finished in a few weeks no worse for the wear and my dear friend, C and her mother threw me a graduation party. I wore my cap and gown and walked around the pool while they sang the graduation song.  It sounded like this "daaaaa da da da daaaaaaa daaaa. daaaaaa da da da daaaaaaa" if you said that out loud, congratulations! You could have been in the choir because that's what it sounded like. The school mailed me my diploma and I stuffed my face in my graduation cake. LITERALLY. It was everywhere.

Ever since then I have dreams that I have to go back to school. At 33 years old. And I'm trying to play it off like I'm one of them. Last night's dream had me back in PE. Two dancers came in and taught us this dance routine we were going to learn. Very fast and very complicated. I was worried because I obviously 1) can't learn that fast 2) can't move that fast and 3) can't even think that fast. I looked down at my glorious muffin top bursting out of the top of my pants and my tank top that wasn't holding anything in. *sigh* This wasn't going to be easy and it wasn't going to look pretty.  Everyone in the class started trying, learning step by step. I wasn't interested and since one of the male dancer was attractive I kept messing with my hair. up, down. up, down. I got up and walked to the back of the class to take off my denim jacket. The teacher was grading papers. I remembered I had an assignment that I forgot to turn in.

Next thing I know my dad walks into the class.  He's not happy but he is wearing a bitchin' leather coat.   Let it be said that I WANT that coat for reals. Anyway he looks disappointed. He goes over to the teacher who hands him an assignment with the word INCOMPLETE across the top. My dad signs it, looks at me, shakes his head and walks away.

WHAT THE HELL?? I watch him walk away, then look at the teacher, then look at the paper which, by the way, is for a HISTORY class. I decided right then and there I'm going to blog about it and submit it to the school paper. Such injustice in the world!

Then I wake up. I'm lying in bed hearing Mr T yelling "STAY IN SCHOOL, FOOL!"


The reoccurring part is that I'm back in school. I hate back to school dreams.

So that's it. That's the blog. BUT. The WEIRDEST PART, is my dad. I haven't spoken to my dad in like, 8 months. and now he keeps popping up in my dreams. Weeeeeeeeeeeird.

Alright bitches, I'll be back with more tomorrow. I have things to get off my chest. =)

The ABC's of drinking

The ABC's of drinking


A is for Absinthe
B is for Brewer
C is for Cognac
D is for Dewards

E is for Eggnog
F is for "FUUUUUUUCK!"
Not really a drink,
but you say it for luck.

G is for Gin
H is for Happy
your friends should be careful,
you tend to get slappy.

I is for ice
Can't drink without it
J is for J & B
K is for ____ no wait that starts with a c.

L is for liquor
M is for "MORE!"
N no I'm not drunk"
O  oooh shit you fell on the floor.

P is for Pisco
Q is for quarters
R is for rum
T is for texting. that doesn't rhyme
but you're too drunk to notice.

U is for ugly that's now a beauty queen
V is for vomit that everybody's seen
W is for wine, what else could it be?
X is for... something that is eluding me.

Y is for yodel on top of the bar
Z is for zzzzzzzzzzzzz, while we carry you to the car.

Unreasonable Anger- driving edition

Few things make me angry. Seriously. I'm proud of the fact that I'm pretty chill. If you follow me on facebook you'll see that rarely do I have complaints or tell people they're stupid or to fuck off. I don't get irritated enough at life that it warrants bitching about it on facebook. I even love Mondays.

BUT, let's not forget that I'm an incredible blend of Mexican and Italian so when I DO get angry, I fly off the handle in zero to sixty so hurry up go get some earphones and a helmet.

One such trigger is driving my kids to school. OH.MAH.GAD. THE intersection. I will break someone's face. It is not rocket science, it is not cooking a soufflé, it is not trying to put a dress on a 4 month old. It is an intersection. An intersection right out of Satan's  joke book.

EXHIBIT A

OK. I'll do my best to explain this situation. There is ONE lane. There is that tiny non-lane on the right that people use to turn right. A bike lane. These one lane lanes in both directions are usually very long. So there is certain rhythm that happens. Most people are turning left. This makes it run very smoothly and gets many cars through the lights very quickly. Blinkers are KEY to this running smoothly. Thankfully people use them. It is CRUCIAL.

See how smooth that is running?

But every now and again some dickface asshole decides she can't wait and FUCKS UP THE ENTIRE SYSTEM.

BITCH IN GREEN

So from the back of the line asshole dickface drives in the bike line to pass everyone else then fucks up the flow for those poor people. Their line is equally long. What the fuck, bitch?? What did you gain, 2 seconds? Just wait your goddamn turn. We're all going to the same place, we're all driving at a reasonable speed. We'll get there WHEN WE GET THERE. It's just rude. It's ONE LANE. I can understand if maybe you're like, the #2 car and you just go around. I get that. But to come up from the BACK OF THE LINE?

So then I see her dropping off her kids. She parks, then SWINGS OPEN HER DOOR without even LOOKING. *swerve*  She's one of those people that has a "stressed to the max" look on her face CONSTANTLY.   Now asshole dickface is starting a trend. Now other people are starting to do it. It makes for a big clusterfuck mess with cars all over the intersection and it's just a dangerous situation. 

It makes me so mad that I think I'm just going to walk my kids to school. I try to set a good example and stay where I am. I love it when they go around me while I'm going straight because it PROVES MY MOTHERFUCKING POINT. 

I hate these people. I really do. 

Enjoy working from Home? LIAR.

There has a been a lot of things written in the wake of Mrs. Yahoo CEO reporting everyone back to the office. Many sides are being taken. Some people think that working at home has proven to be a very productive thing for them and they'll fight for it. Others (of which I can only find a few) think
 that work should stay at work and home is home. Keep them separated if you want to stay focused, on track, and productive.

I, myself, have a VERY strong position on the matter. (There is a reason why I'm writing about this topic so late in the game. So just hold on to your hats and wait for it. I am also working through some shit and this is my process. You might not like what you're about to read)

Now where should I start? At the beginning. Yes. Quite right.

I call myself Home CEO because my husband is a CEO, much like that of Mrs. Yahoo CEO. He and I also agree with her, that employees should be at the office. So he has first hand experience with the situation from her viewpoint. I live with it so I can't help but agree because I see it daily. Now you know my position. Moving on....
We joke that he runs a business (that's not the joke by the way) and I run the "business" of home. Thus, Home CEO was born. It's no easy task as many of you Home CEO's out there can attest.

It is a one man show 

From the moment you wake up and clock in, to the moment you lay your head on your soft pillow at night and clock out. Many people think that stay at home moms (Home CEO's) just watch TV and  sit on the computer all day. Well yeah, that's probably true. I've had my days where I call in sick to "work".  When you do that though, the work is still waiting for you only now, it's doubled. Sort of like interest. You get charged INTEREST for your breaks and days off.  You can take a break, but you can't ignore the tasks that need to be done. They'll still be there. I'm not going to go down the laundry list of the stuff we do because we already know. 

Now take an office job. The work at hand is there. You know your tasks, you do them, or you don't, they're still there waiting for you, or you're fired. Unless you can outsource it or delegate it to someone else. If you did that at home... well it will cost you some $$. Also, if you slack off at work, you might not have that job tomorrow. So there are 2 jobs. The job at home and the job at the office. But you can't compare them, even though I'm trying to right now.

Ok so I've laid the ground work for you. Moms at home, people in the office... we've all been one or the other or both. So let's switch gears. 

Stay at home mothers who work from home. (This does not apply to anyone with a penis unless that penis is a Home CEO AND making money from home. If you have a penis, no kids and do graphic design at home this does not apply to you. Are you with me? Can we continue? Yes? good) 

All that being said, I have begun working from home. Now let me just say this: any stay at home mom who works from home and says she's "more productive" than at the office is  

A MOTHER FUCKING LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE. 

I'm not going to get into the details but I can't tell what's interfering more; my work to my house work, or vice versa. I hate stopping my work because I have to make someone breakfast, a snack, a lunch, dinner. Then I don't like having to work because I've got 3 baskets of dirty laundry, dry cleaning to be picked up and 4 overdue library books that need to be returned. But I'm not getting into details. So how are other people doing this? If I get off track do you know how long it takes me to get back? A long time. 

Working from home so you can be there for your kids? Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME? I'm constantly yelling at my kids to leave the room so I can have some peace to work. That's not right! 

Granted I am TERRIBLE at managing my time but if I was in an office, doing the work I'm getting paid to do.... I would be COMPLETELY done in 3 hours and wouldn't be writing blogs or fucking around on facebook. 

So I guess it all comes down to the individual. If you're going to work, do it in the office. If you have to work from home, don't LIE and say you're more productive and you enjoy being able to stay at home with your kids. Because you don't. You work at home because it's the only choice you have. At least be honest about it. Say "Yeah I work from home but man it takes some SERIOUS time management skills and will power. It's really hard but I have to do it" 

(Granted I don't HAVE to work. I just like it. and extra $$ is nice, not gonna lie)

Obviously this post will have people up in arms but I told you I was working my shit out. My blog is my therapy except there's no confidentiality agreement. Why can't everyone just AGREE with me? It would make life so much easier. Maybe I'm blowing this out of proportion. Maybe I should have written a second draft. Maybe I should stop drinking so early in the morning. WHO KNOWS. 

This message has been brought to you by the word "CEO" and the musical instrument "accordion"

ugh?

I just sat here writing this long winded blog about how i'm traveling and my kids got sick and i've been alone with them for 5 days and i've been drinking and blah blah blah blah and then it hit me: I'M NOT THAT INTERESTING.  so i decided to make a video instead. 

IF YOU'RE HAVING TROUBLE VIEWING THIS,

CLICK HERE

It goes to YouTube

Categorize your friends!

I have an idea. 

You know how you can break your facebook friends down into  groups? There’s acquaintances, close friends, etc. Well i’ve devised a way to categorize my facebook friends. So here, in no particular order are the categories:

1. friends who will help you move (see also “friends with trucks”)
2. friends who will pick you up from the airport
3. friends that will pay for dinner
4. friends that always “forget” their wallet
5. friends that give good birthday gifts
6. friends that have guest rooms in their house
7. friends that drink (see also “friends that like wine”)
8. friends that don’t drink (see “friends that are boring”)
9. friends that will go out on a friday night (see “single friends”)
10. friends with kids
11. friends worth inviting over
12. friends that like wine
13. friends i will never see in real life
14. friends i only accepted a request because i felt obligated
15. friends with convertibles
16. friends with trucks
17. friends that are fun (see also “Friends that like wine”)
18. friends that are depressing (this is an empty column because much like a trash bin it needs to be cleaned out)
19. why am I still friends with these friends (see above)
20. exes (i’m stunned that people are actually fb friends with their exes)
21. Under 18 crowd (hide all posts due to too many acronyms)
22. funny friends (not to be confused with “fun friends” not all fun friends are funny)
23. friends who post too many pics of their kids
24. friends who don’t post enough pics of their kids (Annie)
25. friends who only stir up trouble (see #18)
26. friends who leaves embarrassing comments on every post that you must go back later and delete
27. lurkers (you know who you are)
28. friends that aren’t really friends, they’re coworkers that I purposely omit from every update so they think i’m boring and don’t post at all but I really I just don’t want them to see into my personal life. 

I think that pretty much narrows it down.