Thanksgivingness

During the holidays I reflect on their true meaning, so here we are at Thanksgiving.
What comes to your mind when you think about the origins of Thanksgiving? Go ahead, take a minute. Reflect.
For some reason, in my head, I think that thanksgiving is about the English settlers who came to Plymouth Rock breaking bread with the Native Americans. Why this is in my head I have no clue. After all, they're only carrying on a tradition that was already set in place.  I suppose that was what made them set a date for thanksgiving in the Americas.

For those of you who don't know what's it about, I'll tell you. Gather 'round children while I tell you a tale..... A tale of farmers. Of many villages, with many farms and many crops. In the spring the farmers plant seeds. The rains come and feed the seeds. Then summer comes and the small sprouts eat the sunshine and they grow and grow. By the time fall comes to an end, the sprouts have become food ready to eat. So all the farmers in the villages reap the harvest. It is a lot of hard work. Once they have finished though, they celebrate and have a great feast! They give thanks to the land, to the sun, to the rain, to the earth and to their Gods for providing such a bountiful harvest. At the celebration they eat and drink and are merry with their community. This, is Thanksgiving.

Nowadays we do not have to wait once a year for a bountiful harvest. We only need to go to the grocery store on payday. Or hit up Costco. The hard work we put in it varies. Sometimes people put in hard work behind a computer, some wear lab coats, some wear hard hats. Some people will labor for hours in the kitchen preparing a feast for their loved ones. We all put in hard work differently.

I'm going to give thanks for my bounty and my husband who provides me with it all. After all, it's HIS hard work year round that makes it all possible. I will also give thanks for the time we get to spend with our loved ones and the long journeys they've made. (Modern day pilgrims)

There you have it. My own personal reflection of thanksgiving. Many thanks to all my readers and your beautiful comments.

Things you can't say to your kids....

Things you can't say to your kids once they're teenagers.


Put that nipple back in your mouth.
Get your tongue out of his ear!
Your butt smells like poop.
Close your legs you're showing everyone your hoo-haw.
Get that storm trooper out of your yoo-hoo! (thank you Lorenzo)
Are you wearing panties?
Stop playing with your wiener.
Who pooped in the bathtub? (thanks Megan)
Stop hitting your wiener.
Stop dancing on that table. (thanks Incompetent Hasfrau)
You can sleep with your sister but only for tonight.
Come here so I can wipe you.
Go get in the tub with your brother.
Did you pee in your pants?
You have to blow harder than that.
Make sure you wash your bottom really good.
Get off that pole.
Stop humping the dog.
No I don't want to see your poop.
I'm so proud of you! You counted to ten!
*pull back of pants out, peer down inside*
I'm not getting soap in your peepee.
She said she was sorry for spanking your monkey.
Stop licking him!
Get your finger out of your butt.
Put your clothes back on.
Go get in the shower with Mommy.
Stop eating your booger (thank you Elisa)


I know I missed a lot. Feel free to leave them
in the comments section and i'll add them to the list.

Eyebrows and cocktails.

These two should NEVER be mixed.
youtube version here

Recipe:

Pumpkin spice liquor

Kahlua

Goldshlagger (is there any way to 

pronounce that without sounding

hammered?)

Whipped Cream Vodka

Regular Absolut Vodka

Half and Half

Ice

Serve VERY chilled in martini glass. 

There's PMSing, and then there's MSing.

Once a month I find myself asking myself some very important questions.

If I've lost so many bodily fluids, why don't I feel lightheaded or dizzy?
What is the best way to hide a dead body?
Is it in poor taste to tell the checker to "fuck off" when he asks me how my day is?
Can a whole box of brownies constitute as a meal?
If I lock myself in the bathroom how long until someone notices I'm gone?
Is it normal to cry over the death of the young turkey now resting peacefully in my freezer?
Is it normal to cry because I couldn't find my keys?
When did my fat clothes get so small?
Is there any other animal on the planet that can bleed for 5 days and not die?
I wonder if I can make a wine helmet, complete with 2 straws.... since I'm a multi-tasking mommy and I need my hands free.
Who decided white sheets would look good in my bedroom?
Can I eat hot dogs for breakfast?
I wonder if exercise is good for cramps.... I'll have to find someone who actually does that.
Who keeps touching the thermostat?
I wonder how much my kids will go for on e-bay?
Why is my husband avoiding me?
Can I make these pimples look like beauty marks if I put brown eyeliner on them?
Can I pull off these velour pants if I wear them with nice shoes?
I'm not going anywhere today. To hell with the world.

Now excuse me... I have 12 chocolate chip cookies I have to go devour.

Peppermint Mocha Kahlua

Peppermint Mocha Kahlua. 

Murphy's Laws: with kids

Murphy's Laws:

(when you have kids)

1. Clean sheets = spontaneous bed wetting
2. Fresh mopped floor = oil spill (true story, but no evidence. From The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva.)
3. Favorite food bought in bulk = sudden disinterest in favorite food
4. New clothes = growth spurt
5. Bedtime routine perfected = day light savings 
6. Mother with a hangover = classmates birthday party
7. Brand new toy =  packaging is more fun
8. Babysitter = good behavior 
9. New phone = tub of water
10. On time to school = forgot homework at home
11. Brand new dishes = child breaks one
12. First day of new job = child gets flu (I highly recommend Little White Lion's article)
13. 2 hours spent on a lovely meal = they want hot dogs
14. Unexpected check in the mail = tire blows out
15. Second day of diet = you are volunteered to make 3 dozen cupcakes
16. Finally get around to cutting that melon = it's gone bad
17. Clean white shirt = meets child's marker (when will we learn that we can only wear the color black when we have children??)
18. Empty tank of gas = emergency carpool leader
19. Expensive wine = knocked over on floor
20. They finally like grilled cheese sandwiches = just not at a restaurant after you've already ordered it. 
21. "I want ice cream" = "I didn't want chocolate ice cream!"
22. You shower, shave, dab some perfume, climb into bed.... = child has nightmare, needs to sleep with you. 

Why I Love Winter

It's true: I love it. I'll tell you why.

1. Rain- I have a darling pair of rain-boots.
2. Flooding- I feel like I get my money's worth out of my kayak. 
3. Power Outages- I love a legitimate excuse to sleep in and drop my kids off late. 
4. Cold Air- I look fantastic with a cold, wet nose. It makes me think of cute puppies. 
5. Vitamin D is sooooooo overrated. 
6. Soup is my favorite meal to prepare. 
7. My children play so much better indoors than outdoors. 
8. Snow- Shoveling the sidewalk is the P90X of winter outdoor workouts. Buffed arms by spring! 
9. Sitting on a cold toilet seat in the morning really is better than a cup of coffee to wake you up. Cheaper too!
10. I save so much money not getting pedicures. 
11. Ice- it's makes you more graceful than ballet. 
12. My cracked, dry hands are just an excuse to do paraffin treatments. 
13. Holidays- seeing all that family.
14. Seeing all that family- drinking all those booze to cope.
15. It's really fun carving designs in ice/frost covered car windows. 

So there you have it. Some of the reasons why I embrace winter. 

UPDATES, UPDATES, UPDATES.

My 30 day challenge- I told it to take a flying leap. Well, sort of. I caught a cold. I promise I will try to do better. 

My daughters toys- Her room has never been cleaner, she only whined about her toys once and honestly, neither one of us misses them very much.

The marshmallow jar- still enough, still wielding MUCH power. I love you marshmallow jar. Never leave me. 

I also think I'm psychic. Why?  Because I see a cocktail video in your future. 

Safety First.

"If you knew that every time you got in a car and did not put on a seat-belt you would get into an accident, would you start putting on your seat-belt? If you got into an accident your life would be changed FOREVER, due to possible paralysis, brain damage, or death.  If putting on a seat-belt meant that you wouldn't crash, would you wear it? Even if you didn't like the way it felt or it made you uncomfortable, would you put it on? Remember, seat-belts save lives"

That's my opening line when I tell my kids about the birds and the bees.

I'm still coming up with my rebuttal for when they say, "what if I'm riding in the trunk?"

Sometimes I get real.

Today, shit got real.

 I'm not always an asshole or a jokester. So here goes the story: I was reading Rants from MommyLand (click on the link and it will take you to the specific article I'm referring to) It's about 1st world problems.  I suggest you read that before continuing any further. I'll wait.
 Other people refer to it as "humble brags"  Here's an example....
"I bought a pair of Louboutin's but they don't match my Louis. *pouty face*"


Get the idea?

Ok, moving on. Today while getting groceries we had to wait in line. Me and the two kids. For a long time. Like, a REALLY long time. *side note- I feel really bad for people on welfare, or WIC or using EBT. Well I feel bad for many reasons, but one reason is for the pain in the ass at check-out. Something always goes wrong. Without fail. They're not trying to hold up the line*   So that was the case today. I was the 4th customer back. I was OK waiting though. There was nowhere else I needed to be, I wasn't late and I understand that shit happens.

My daughter, on the other hand, felt the need to express her dislike of waiting.
"WHAT'S TAKING SO LONG?!?! I DON'T WANT TO WAIT! MAKE THEM GO FAS....."
I yanked her close to me and said,
"Did you know, there are kids in this world that don't have food to eat? There are kids who are hungry, and don't get to eat breakfast, lunch, snacks or dinner. Not even dessert. There are kids that don't live near grocery stores. There are kids whose parents don't have money for food so they don't eat. We have money for food, you are not hungry, and it is OK to have to wait in line for our groceries. DO.YOU.UNDERSTAND.ME?"

Her eyes got big and she asked "There are kids that don't have food?!? But how do they eat?" I said "They don't. They get very, very sick, and some of them die."

She thought about it, and said "well can I still play while we're waiting?"

I was getting pissed at the people walking by that were saying "What's this shit about?" and just huffing and puffing about having to wait. If they weren't old people I would have said something.

When I got to the front of the line the cashier was flustered, obviously trying to make up for lost time. I told him "It's OK. Take a deep breath. I'm not in a hurry. At least I have money for food and the resources so close to home. I'll wait if I have to. It's OK."

The bagger looked at me and said "I wish more people thought like you"
"You and me both lady!" I couldn't help but reply back.

I looked back at the people in my line and said in a loud, clear voice "At least we have food. Even if we had to wait an extra 10 minutes to pay for it" and then I turned around and left.